All I want for Christmas is this

I keep dreaming about work. But not my current job or anything, because that would be normal. No, I keep dreaming about my old job, which is very annoying as I no longer work there. 

I guess I had a lot more anxiety tied up in my previous job than I realized. The reasons aren't really important. But apparently the anxiety didn't magically go away, even though I haven't worked there in months. I had the most vivid dream about it last night, so vivid that I woke up convinced I was running late, that I needed to get up right away and leave early since it was snowing.

I don't have to be at work until 11:30 today. I woke up at 7:30. So. You do the math.

I don't have anxiety dreams about my new job. Not yet, anyway. Maybe those don't show up until you've been there at least six months. Still. I wish I'd stop dreaming about my old one. I'm not holding my breath or anything, I mean, after all, I had an anxiety dream about high school a while ago and high school is a lot further back than a few months.  

Speaking of work (NICE SEGUE), I had yesterday off so I took my sister to see Catching Fire. We went in the middle of the afternoon and there were about ten other people in the theater, and yet there was still a lady sitting a few rows behind us, explaining specific plot points (loudly, of course) to her husband. She was one of those people who, instead of whispering to her partner during non-silent parts of the movie, would try and speak OVER the loud parts, because OMG what if he couldn't hear her? What if he didn't know that, in the previous movie, Peeta and Katniss had almost eaten poison berries? What if he forgot that Katniss had volunteered for Prim? What if he didn't remember that District 13 supposedly didn't exist? OMG PEOPLE GO HOME AND READ THE BOOKS.

Usually movie-talking sends me into an apoplectic rage. I normally sit there fuming, wishing I could get up and scream, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUP" into the person's face.

Which. I never do. Not out loud. But my brain always looks like this:

Actually...it's probably more like this:

But it didn't bother me that much yesterday. I thought, "well, maybe he's hard of hearing and he missed that part." I guess I finally remembered the whole "this is water" thing while I was actually IN the moment. Score.

(Though that didn't stop me from passive aggressively complaining about the ongoing idiot commentary within earshot of Talking Lady as we exited the theater. YOU GUYS I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.)

Anyway. I'm finding it hard to get worked up about things lately, especially this morning, as right now I'm sitting on the couch, curled up with Max, a blanket, and a hot cup of coffee, the computer screen illuminated by the Christmas tree next to me. I'm listening to the Muppets sing Christmas carols and snow is falling softly outside. I plan on reading Harry Potter until it's time to leave for work, where I will get to play with puppies and kittens until I come home and hang out with my family for the rest of the evening. No wonder I can't bring myself to get worked up about anything, not even Talky Lady and crazy anxiety dreams. Hopefully it'll stay this way. You know, if the fates allow and all that.

my snow. let me show you it.

BLIZZARD! And not the good kind that you can eat. You know, from Dairy Queen? Those are delicious.

Right now? We're supposed to be on our way to Lake Erie. Then this happened. Which is why I am sitting here in my pajamas praying to the sweet baby Jesus that Mary makes it here from Chicago in one piece.

Not to worry, though. The roads should be better by the time Mary reaches Dayton and anyway, she's Mary. She's kind of a big deal. Snow will just melt as she drives by and it will be awesome.

Another location has been chosen for tomorrow, easier for all to reach safely, and while the setting may have changed, the guests remain the same. And really, isn't that all that matters? The bridal shower and bachelorette party MUST GO ON. Especially the bachelorette party. Because we've got like three dozen penis cookies that aren't going to eat themselves.

Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.

It's pretty sad that it's 42 degrees today and it seems so warm to me that I think it would be completely logical to strip off all my clothes and jump in the giant puddle outside our front door (born of all the melting snow). Not that I did this or would do this, but it did cross my mind that I wouldn't get frostbite and die if I DID. Or would I? Who knows.

I'm feeling very antsy today. I don't know why. I want to read something, but don't know what. I want to listen to some music, but can't figure out the perfect song. I'm hungry, but don't know what I'm craving. My mind is all over the place and I can't concentrate on something for more than five minutes. Or less. What's that about?

I don't care what anyone says, I would totally take a midnight train to anywhere. As long as it was south of here.

I walked out of the apartment this morning and was unpleasantly surprised to find that all of the snow was still here. I was kind of hoping that by some miracle it would have all magically melted overnight. Unfortunately, the opposite happened. It just got colder and harder (heh). Actually, since we got so much freezing rain after we got all the snow, there's a really thick layer of ice over everything so, in most places, you can walk on top of the snow. Not only does it make me feel taller, it also kind of makes me feel like Jesus. You know? Cause he walked on water? Which is technically what I'm doing, only this water is frozen. Hey, maybe that's how Jesus did it!

Hell is nice this time of year, right?

Anyway, I know I told you guys all about how it took me 9 hours to unearth my car yesterday, but what I didn't tell you is that after I did all that work I couldn't even get my car out of the parking spot because there was a giant hump (heh) of snow and ice behind me. Also? Heidi and I do not own a shovel. I know. I KNOW! Luckily, my lovely mother was home from work yesterday and she let me borrow her car. And then after work my lovely father came over and helped me dig my car out. And when I say he helped me dig my car out, I mean he got my car out for me while I stood back watching with a not-so-bright look on my face.

Wow, this entry is boring. I really wish I'd stop talking about the stupid snow and the stupid ice and the stupid cold, too, but you know what? I'll stop talking about it when IT GOES AWAY FOREVER.

On a completely unrelated note, I just typed the words, "it's too cold to take my pants off outside," in an e-mail. I think that may be a first.

The end.

I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about you, it's Friday, I'm in love*

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone, if you're into that sort of thing. I forgot about it until this morning, when I saw the long-ago purchased, recently-forgotten The Office Valentine's Day Cards sitting on my desk. I gave out three of them in a moment of drunken motivation (the best kind of motivation, you know) but that was weeks ago. Far too early, if you ask me.

Remember how yesterday I decided to let that stupid groundhog live? Well, his days are numbered. I have to go back to work today. Granted, not until this afternoon because every business or school in this area is on, like, a five hour delay or closed. Because here is what happened. We got a shitload of snow. And then we had freezing rain all day yesterday. So, earlier this morning I went out to clean off my car. Which WOULD have been really easy if it had just been snow, but unfortunately the seven inches of snow were encased in a two inch layer of ice, so I had to break the ice into little pieces before I could scoop it off of my car. At one point, I broke off a big shard that was in the exact shape of Ohio. I wish I'd taken a picture because I know you think I'm lying BUT I'M NOT WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME? Faux-hio fell on the ground and was still intact and I thought about how I had just spent the past 30 minutes beating snow and ice into submission and as I stood there getting angrier and angrier I did what any normal person would do . . . I used my handy ice scraper and smacked the shit out of Faux-hio and then stomped on all the little pieces and then I kicked all the even-littler pieces until they flew every which way and then I went inside and took several deep breaths until I felt better.

Happy Valentine's Day!

*obligatory V-Day love song lyric . . . how original

Well, let’s hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route. I prefer Mapquest. That's a good one, too. Google maps is the best, true that DOUBLE TRUE.

I was all set to get pissed with Punxsutawney Phil and threaten to kill him and punch him in the babymaker and roast him in our fireplace, but he's getting a slight reprieve because I did not have to risk life and limb by trying to make it into work this morning. That's right, friends, I got a snow day. SNOW. DAY. And while as a tiny child I would have immediately run out into the frigid cold snow to build a snowman or snowangel or some other snownonsense, today I plan on spending the day in my pjs, alternating between napping on the couch watching TiVo and napping in my bed "reading" a book. Funny story (not really), I have seven library books and countless books I have purchased that I have not yet read (although I did finally finish Lolita), said library books are rapidly approaching their due date and I have decided to read Bridget Jones's Diary for the 18th time. I have a problem but at least I am not afraid to admit it.

Last night, Heidi and I got stuck in some strange wormhole at the gym and didn't end up getting home until 10:30. PM! Then we spent a good 30 minutes mapquesting different destinations. It's more fun than it sounds. It's kind of like traveling without having to pack or put shoes on or find a rest stop that doesn't look like a scene out of a horror movie when you have to pee so bad you're afraid your bladder is going to explode out of your stomach (or wherever) and you'll never make it to your destination and if you do you'll have urine and pieces of bladder all over you. I'm sorry for that image. ANYWAY. I should tell you . . . this is the longest, most pointless Conversation With My Roommate in the history of Conversations With My Roommate. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Me: Do you know how far away Knoxville is?
Heidi: Not really. I think it's near Nashville.
Me: Hmm.
Heidi: Let's Mapquest it!
Me: OK!
Heidi: 4 hours, 51 minutes, that's not bad.
Me: Let's see how far Nashville is.
Heidi: OK.
Me: 5 hours, 19 minutes.
Heidi: So basically a difference of half an hour.
Me: I thought they were farther away from each other than that.
Heidi: Me too. Ooh, I know, Mapquest how far it is from Nashville to Knoxville.
Me: Oh. 2 hours, 47 minutes.
Heidi: OK, then.
Me: Let's see how far Boston is!
Heidi: OK.
Me: 13 hours, 26 minutes.
Heidi: Damn. What about Atlantic City? I bet it's far.
Me: 9 hours, 52 minutes . . . what about New Orleans?
Heidi: Yeah!
Me: 13 hours, 7 minutes.
Heidi: Washington DC?
Me: I've never been there.
Heidi: It's fun.
Me: 7 hours, 57 minutes.
Heidi: How about the North Pole?
Me: I think we might have a little trouble driving there.
Heidi: OK. How about Juneau, Alaska?
Me: HAHAHA.
Heidi: No, seriously.
Me: Why can't Mapquest find it?
Heidi: Because Alaska's state code is AK, not AL.
Me: Oh man. Don't tell anyone I did that.
Heidi: OK.
Me: It's good to know there's not a Juneau, Alabama, though.
Heidi: Truly.
Me: HA! It takes 63 hours!
Heidi: Let's leave now!
Me: It'd be a beautiful drive.
Heidi: We'd get to go through Canada.
Me: Ooh, speaking of Canada . . .
Heidi: Windsor?
Me: Heck yes!
Heidi: Yessssss!
Me: Holy shit, it's only 3 and a half hours!
Heidi: Let's go!
Me: Yeah, you can drink there when you're 19!
Heidi: Um.
Me: And I know I'm well over age 19 but still . . . it's the principle
Heidi: True. Ooh, Mapquest San Juan, Mexico.
Me: OK. Wait, there's no code for Mexico.
Heidi: Try MX.
Me: Um. It only has codes for Canada, not Mexico.
Heidi: Racists.
Me: Wait, isn't San Juan in Puerto Rico?
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: Oh my god.
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: I think this is veering into Conversations With My Roommate territory.
Heidi: I think you're right.
Me: Geez.
Heidi: Ooh! Mapquest Honolulu, Hawaii.
Me: Um, once again, I think we might have a problem driving there.
Heidi: Just try it, I wanna see what it says!
Me: OK. It says, "We are having trouble finding a route for your locations. Please try modifying the information you entered."
Heidi: Damn, I was hoping it would say something like, "Please vacate your car and start swimming."
Me: Why don't they just build a bridge from Hawaii to the mainland?
Heidi: Yeah! It would help with their tourism.
Me: And if anyone needs help with tourism, it's Hawaii.

If you made it all the way through that, I hope you learned something. Other than how bad at geography Heidi and I are.

We're not in infinity, we're in the suburbs.

I was going to go somewhere today but then it snowed and ruined my plans. That's right, snow! I woke up (the first time) and watched some TV in bed and as I was flipping channels I noticed they were already listing closings. Of what, I don't know, since it's Sunday. Churches? OK. Anyway, that didn't affect me so I went back to sleep while Spongebob Fancypants frolicked in an air bubble with Sandy Cheeks. It was intense and hard to sleep, though, because Spongebob was drying up because there wasn't any water, but he was too polite to say anything so he just walked around with his pinky in the air. Because that is what fancy people do. It's true, I read it somewhere. Maybe on the Internets and everyone knows the Internets never lies.

Also, I was going to take a picture of the snow, because even though I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns (which, ironically, would melt the snow in less than .5 seconds), it is sort of pretty, but then I realized taking a good picture would mean I had to go on the balcony, and it's cold out there, so I'd have to put on some socks and something other than a t-shirt and that means I'd have to move myself from this chair so . . . basically, you will not be seeing a picture of the pretty, hated snow right now. Sorry.

I have a sad tale for you. It turns out my mom and I do NOT have jury duty on the same day so that ruins our (my) plan to carpool and dress in matching outfits and have her buy me lunch. She read her date wrong and she's actually supposed to be getting HER call on the day I have to go downtown. Sucks. Now I won't have anyone to talk to. On the other hand, now I can skulk (I love that word) around for a Fancy, Rich Lawyer so I have about two weeks to work on that plan. Any suggestions?

OK, so yesterday I continued the Jason Schwartzman Love Fest and watched I Heart Huckabees and the whole time I watched it I had to keep asking myself, "Am I high right now? Seriously. Did I get high and not remember? No, I'm not high. Oh my god, I'm totally high right now." I wasn't, though. I just think it was a really weird movie. Unless one of my neighbors was pumping something funny through the vents. And if that's the case, I just wish they'd warn me in advance.

this is unacceptable

I'm of the opinion that snow, much like "Jingle Bells" and twinkle lights, should wait until at least the day after Thanksgiving to appear.

So can someone explain why I woke up and saw this today?

Seriously? Seriously.

OK, I'll admit that it is kind of pretty. But too soon! Too soon!

Also, today is my blog's birthday, meaning I have been babbling incoherently at the Internets for three years now. You're welcome, Internets.