And the language these guys use. Rough! One of the guys told me to take my head out of my bottom and get back to work.

Today was a grand day. Just GRAND, I tell you. Actually, it really wasn't that bad, it's just that I think the worst feeling in the whole entire world is that feeling when you wake up the morning after a three day weekend and realize you have to go to work. Oh, and also you didn't sleep at all the night before because your body and brain refused to calm down and shut up (respectively) enough for you to actually, I don't know, relax and sleep for at least twenty minutes.

Before you start talking about AIDS babies or homeless people or whatever, I KNOW there are worse things in life than having to go back to work after a three day weekend. Like, for instance, not even HAVING a three day weekend. I know I'm being dramatic. But you can just shut up because MY LIFE IS HARD, OK?

I had to go to the hooha doctor today. Apparently if they even suspect that you may at one time in the future EVEN POSSIBLY develop hooha cancer, they want to see you every three months. It's nice that they care so much. Really. You wanna know what the sweetest words ever to be uttered at the gyno's office are? "You can disrobe now, but just on the bottom." Score! I got to leave my shirt on! I know those words don't sound that great, but when it's 15 degrees outside and 30 degrees in the exam room, you're happy that you get to leave whatever clothes you can on.

So there I was, sitting pantsless in the exam room with just a thin, paper blanket to cover my bare, goosebumbly legs. And I didn't want to get up and get a magazine from the counter, because every time I stood up, my bare ass was hanging out in the COLD COLD AIR and that? Was as unpleasant as it sounds. Perhaps moreso if you were standing behind me.

I sat there forever. At least 25 minutes. Maybe even 26. You don't know, you weren't there. Anyway, I was so bored and there was a map of the United States that was color coded to show you where the fattest states are. After I realized that I could barely recognize any of the states and am INCREDIBLY bad at geography, I tried to remember the 50 Nifty United States song. I remembered most of it, including listing all the states in alphabetical order, but I always get mixed up right after Ohio. Cause you're all, "Ohiiiiiiiiiii-ooooooo," which feels like the climax, but it's not. It sort of looks like a climax typed like that, BUT IT'S NOT, I said. Geez, calm down.

Where was I? Who knows? I sure don't. Anyway, after I sang the song a few times, I remembered that Heidi said the last time SHE went to the doctor, there was a Dr. Seuss book in the exam room. So I stood up, still humming the state song, and rummaged around the magazines with one hand while I held the paper blanket skirt shut behind me with my other hand. You know, in case the doctor walked in at that moment, I really didn't want to moon the hallway and its occupants. Although, it would serve them right. That room was ice cold AND devoid of Dr. Seuss books.

The doctor finally came in and seemed really frazzled. She said she was running late and I was all, "no shit, I realized that after you left me here half naked for half an hour." And then she totally rushed through the exam. No drinks, no dinner, NO JOKE. She was just in and out. So to speak.