stealing from the greats, lebowski and otherwise

I started today in a great mood, especially for a Monday, on account of...I don't know, better diet, more exercise, all that nonsense, maybe? I was SINGING TO MYSELF on my walk into work, and yet I ended the day wandering the halls of the building muttering, "shit shit shit shit shit" under my breath.

Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, the bear eats you.  

In other words, so it goes.

(Please allow me to steal words from those far cleverer. Hell. Even if you DON'T allow it, it's too late, I already did. And so it goes and goes and goes.)

I feel like lately, I'm either in a "the-world-is-ending-and-I-don't-even-care" kind of mood or a "frolicking-through-the-hills-giving-Julie-Andrews-a-run-for-her-money" kind of mood, but not usually, like, in the same day. Or maybe I only feel that way because my body was raging with PMS-y hormones last week. Probably that.

Joe and I started a new diet a few weeks ago, though I hesitate to call it a diet because really we mostly just replaced all the junk food we were eating with real, actual food. And wouldn't you know it? I feel so much better!

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes, well, you stop eating bear claws. BA-DUM-BUM.

What we're doing is technically called the Slow Carb Diet but I call it the Sad Diet because it involves cutting out everything I love, namely: bread and cheese. Except for one day a week. One day a week we get to eat whatever we want and it is magical and there's some science behind it involving your metabolism or some shit but I don't really care because all I know is, it means I can eat pizza on that day and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

The rest of the time, though, is filled with sadness because of the lack of carbs and sugar and dairy, which are like the three main only food groups in the USA, I'm pretty sure. 

Really, though, it's not that bad. I mean, it was for the first week, when my body was detoxing and screaming at me and giving me headaches every day and asking me why I wasn't feeding it delicious cheesy bread and I spent most of my days wondering if it would be acceptable to shut my office door and lie down on the floor, not because I was sleepy, necessarily, but because my body was so tired that it could NOT. SIT. UPRIGHT.

That passed, however, and now I feel FUCKING AWESOME. Like, it's ridiculous how much energy I have, even when I sleep like total and utter balls, which is often because of Max + Thunderstorms or Sleeping With The Window Open or MOST LIKELY because PHOEBE IS AN ASSHOLE WHO LIKES TO CLIMB ON MY PILLOW AT 4AM.

So it goes.

This is the first time in a great long while that I remember changing the way I eat and being focused on how much better I feel, NOT how much weight I'm losing. It's nice. Plus, if the bear is going to eat me, much like today, at least I'll be a healthier meal for him.

Well, the Slayer always says a pun, or - or a witty play on words and I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking.

To be honest, I completely forgot about writing the list of Buffy Season 3 episodes you should watch until today (when I'm a third of the way through Season 4) and I think that's because YOU SHOULD WATCH ALL OF THEM, OK? Especially if The Mayor plays a part.

Oh, you don't like that answer? TOO BAD. No, wait! Come back. Please come back. I'll try to narrow it down. That might mean only cutting one episode, but that's 44 minutes of your life you'll have to dedicate to something else (LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH BUFFY) so you're welcome, OK? UGH.

Must Watch: 

Dead Man's Party: This episode makes me so uncomfortable, but in, like, the best way.
Faith, Hope, and Trick: Faith (yay for now), Hope (BIGGEST MEH EVER), and Trick (!!!)
Homecoming: SO GOOD. Cordelia is on fire in this one. (Not literally).
Band Candy: OH GOD YES, BAND CANDY.
Revelations: Uncomfortable again and not necessarily in the best way.
Lovers Walk: [whimpering sounds]
The Wish: ANYA ANYA FUCK YES ANYA.
Helpless: [more whimpering sounds]
Bad Girls: I just realized how cringe-y this season is. Every episode gives me uncomfortable feelings.
Consequences: Important, I guess, if consequences are your thing.
Choices: Important, I guess, if choices are your thing.
The Prom: AKA The Tears.
Graduation Day, part 1: HELL.
Graduation Day, part 2: YES.

Episodes I Don't Really Like But That You Should Watch Anyway On Account of STORY: 

Anne: Meh. Angsty.
Amends: Meh. ALL THE ANGST. But important angst.
Enemies: I don't really remember this one and was too lazy to read the episode synopsis.

You Should Really Watch Because They're Awesome: 

Gingerbread: This one is fun and kind of important for later (see: Amy).
The Zeppo: This one is very Xander-centric, which is good or bad depending on your Xander-feelings. I understand that some people don't like Xander. Well. No, I don't UNDERSTAND that, really, but I guess it's still true that some people don't like him.
Doppelgangland: OH GOD YES, DOPPELGANGLAND. PLEASE WATCH THIS ONE.
Earshot: I remember this one being a big deal because of Columbine. I think this one, along with Graduation Day, aired at a later time because of all the awkward similarities? I don't know, that was a million years ago and I barely remember this morning.

You Don't Have To Watch, I GUESS: 

Beauty and the Beasts: OH WAIT JUST KIDDING, you have to watch this one because of something I forgot about until I read the description on Wikipedia. So. I guess you could skip it and just read Wikipedia but where's the fun in that?

Also, can I talk about something spoilery that came up in early season 4 that I never noticed before and therefore BROKE MY HEART INTO TINY SHARDS AND I STILL HAVE NOT RECOVERED?

GIF Party for Spoiler Hiding!









So in the Season 4 episode Fear, Itself, Oz starts wolfing out even though there's not a full moon (because his greatest fear is not being able to control that side of him?) and he runs away from Willow, who starts screaming, "OZ! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

AND THEN LIKE TWO EPISODES LATER HE LEAVES HER! STUPID STUPID VERUCA AND YOUR STUPID FACE! Ow, my heart pieces!

I thought I was done talking about wedding stuff two years ago

Did I tell you guys that Heidi is getting married? Because she is. In November. Long time readers already know that Heidi was my roommate for four years but for anyone new, just, um...read this.

I am the matron-of-honor and, as such, was responsible for some matronly duties this past weekend in the form of a bridal shower and bachelorette party. Luckily, there's also a maid-of-honor so we split the duties. Heh. Duties.

Can I talk for a moment about what a horrible term "matron-of-honor" is? MATRON. Maid is so much better. It's like the difference between "miss" and "ma'am" and now that I think about it, I started getting ma'amed a lot more once I got married. Granted, it's probably because I'm getting old, not because I'm wearing a ring where there once was NAUGHT but whatever shut up this is my story and I'll complain if I want to.

Anyway. This weekend was in the works for months and months and yet (this will surprise, um, no one) I still left some stuff for the last minute. It's not really fair, though, because it's just that I thought of a couple awesome ideas at the last minute and what? Should I NOT execute those just because I might not have time? THIS IS HEIDI WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE. I'd take a bullet for Heidi so the least I could do was run my fingers ragged searching Pinterest and etsy and Amazon.

SPEAKING of Pinterest, I don't think I'd have been able to plan anything without it. I signed up for Pinterest when it first became a thing, because I was unemployed and bored, but the novelty wore off for me rather quickly. It seems I need a project if I'm going to use it on the regular, apparently, because I Pinterested the shit out of this bridal shower. And it was easy because everything was wine themed. Because it was at a winery. And wine is delicious NECTAR OF THE GODS. Or something.

Anyway. Again. I mostly want to show off all my sweet ideas right now, although I didn't really help much with the execution of any of them. That's why you have talented friends and family, right? So they can just do this stuff for you? But to make things more helpful, I thought I'd also provide a handy How To Throw a Wine Themed Wedding Shower because who doesn't love lists? ASSHOLES, THAT'S WHO. So here:

1. Venue! 

People need a place to drink and you have to provide it. It's cheapest to do this at someone's house but if you're inviting 30 people, maybe find a winery? That's what I did, anyway.

2. Wine! 

Get some.

And food, I guess, but that's not as important as the wine.

3. Cake! 

Make a cake. Better yet, hire someone to make an exact replica of a wine-themed cake you found on Pinterest.

4. Favors! 

Don't buy pre-made ones, no matter how tempting, because they are way overpriced and lower quality than what you're expecting. Don't argue with me! Make them yourself YOU LAZY ASSHOLE.

Ahem. This is pretty obvious, but wine glasses make good wine-themed wedding shower favors. You can find tons of them at the dollar store or, if you don't need as many or aren't worried about them matching, you can find them even cheaper at the thrift store. I bought wine glasses, we dipped them in chalkboard paint (like this tutorial), wrapped some votive candles in ribbon (in the bride's colors), and put the votives inside the wine glasses. Like so:

(Special thanks to my friends who basically did all this work for me while I stood around and refilled wine glasses and chips and salsa.)

5. Centerpieces! 

If you need them. I thought we'd need them, so I saved empty wine bottles for a while and Joe created awesome labels for them. Then I shoved some daisies in there and voila! Centerpieces:

Just, you know, picture these with daisies in them.

6. Invitations! 

Outsource these to etsy or something. You can buy templates pretty cheaply and print everything at Staples. OR if you know a graphic designer, you can make them do it all for you. Either way. I sort of did both of these things because Nancy did all of this for me.

7. Games! 

Ha, just kidding. No but for real, games at any kind of shower are almost always a mistake. I did, however, want some sort of activity (other than wine-drinking) so I found some "Advice for the Bride and Groom" madlibs (again) on etsy. They were adoraballs and a big hit AND came with a display card so...win win win.

That's it, really. You're all done, 'cept for the partying.

 

I will tryyyyyyy to fix you

You know how sometimes you wake up and you're just in a shitty mood for no reason? I mean, sure you do. Everyone experiences this every now and then. Or maybe you don't, weirdo, I don't know your life. But for those of us non-robots who do, occasionally, wake up on the wrong side of the bed (that's the left side, right?), how do you combat that? Do you try at all?

I do so love getting a good wallow on. I like to make an occasion of it. (See: WORST. DAY. EVER. Week.) But there are days that I don't WANT to wallow. I want to be happy because who wants to walk around in a constant state of bitchface? (OK, in all honestly, that is sort of fun sometimes BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.) Anyway. On the days I don't want to devote an entire week to having WORST. DAYS. EVER., I just choose to be happy.

Yeah. That's right. I tell my brain to stop fucking around and start releasing some goddamn endorphins or whatever it is brains spew all over your body so you don't feel like cold-cocking a baby. I don't know, I'm not a brain scientist.

Whatever. Guess how often this works? NOT OFTEN is the answer. You can't just boss your brain, you guys! Your brain is smarter than you! It will not bow down to your iron will, especially if your iron will is like mine, all, "aww, gee, brain, please be happy?" and less like, "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD, FILTHY BRAIN."

So what do you do if your brain won't listen to you? Do you give in, shut your office door, lie on the floor, and listen to Coldplay all day? NO. NEVER EVER DO THAT, YOU GUYS, THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Here's what I'd recommend instead of listening to sad bastard FM:

1. Don't go to work. 

(DISCLAIMER: don't play hooky, because you might get fired.)

Take a personal day? If you can? Or you could try to time your shitty days so they only show up on the weekend, but how often does THAT happen? Anyway, my reasoning here is that if you're already in a shitty mood, going to work isn't going to help anything.

2. Put on pajamas. 

Shower first, though! The last thing you want when you're having a shitty day is to wander past a mirror and catch a glimpse of your greasy-haired, pasty-faced self. Another option, I guess, is to cover all of your mirrors with sheets or towels or something but that seems like a lot of tedious work for someone who is already irritated.

3. Make some peanut butter toast. 

Let that shit melt before you eat it, OK? Are you some kind of animal?

4. Open the windows for some fresh air. 

But not if it's 104 (or -4) degrees outside ARE YOU CRAZY?  

5. Pick a favorite TV show to watch. All day. 

Not, like, Buffy or Friday Night Lights. You're trying to make your brain happy, not make it cry forever. Might I suggest comedy? Community, Parks and Rec, The Office (seasons 1-5, anyway), Arrested Development, etc. 

6. Have a pet. 

I mean, don't go out and just buy one (THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE) but if you have a dog or a cat who will curl up on your lap as you watch your favorite TV shows, that'll go a long way in the happy department. If you don't have a pet, maybe go outside and see if you can coax a squirrel into your house.

7. Take a walk. 

Yeah, I know you have your pajamas on. Who cares?

8. Eat some vegetables, maybe? 

I know, I know! You don't like vegetables! But they'll make you feel awesome and, I mean, stop being such a baby, YOU ARE AN ADULT EAT SOME DAMN BROCCOLI. Or asparagus. It makes your pee smell funny, which is hilarious.

9. Watch the following video DUH WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO TELL YOU THIS:



There. I fixed your shitty mood. GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.

As I suspected, and as Ashley pointed out, I’m finding it much harder to narrow down Must Watch episodes of Buffy Season 2 because honestly? They’re all kind of Must Watch. Even the bad ones are supremely entertaining. But I’ll try. For you guys.

This season is weird for me because it’s when I officially started watching, like, as a fan, so I've seen a lot of these, just, A BUNCH of times. My mom bought me those Buffy VHS two-packs that each had two “important” episodes per tape. The X-Files did this, too, because I remember watching the Conduit/Ice and Squeeze/Tooms ones pretty much constantly. Anyway, according to the Buffy VHS doubles, you should only be watching, like, What’s My Line(s), Surprise/Innocence, and Becoming(s) from season two, and that is unacceptable. This just goes to show you that those tapes know NOTHING, which is probably why we don’t watch them anymore. Also -- Netflix.

Must Watch:

When She Was Bad: Buffy has angst and not just her normal Slayer-angst, but some I-almost-died-angst.
School Hard: SPIKE!
Halloween: I LOVE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH. It was actually one of the first ones I ever saw and it’s one I’ll just watch randomly when the mood strikes me. ANYWAY. It’s about Halloween, duh.
The Dark Age: If you were hoping for some Giles History (and why wouldn’t you?), this one’s for you.
What’s My Line, part one: I don’t want to spoil anything. So just watch this one.
What’s My Line, part two: This one, too.
Surprise: It’s Drusilla’s birthday and she has a surprise for Buffy (hence the name of the episode).
Innocence: I can’t talk about it.
Phases: More Oz!
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Xander makes a huge mistake. And it’s just THE BEST.
Passion: I SAID I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
I Only Have Eyes For You: Remember that show Jake 2.0 that was like Chuck before Chuck was Chuck? Anyway, Christopher Gorham, who played Jake (and Ugly Betty’s boyfriend), is in this one.
Becoming, part one: DUH, yes, watch this one.
Becoming, part two: DUH, yes, watch this one (part two).

You Should Really Watch (as in, I keep almost adding them to the list above):

Some Assembly Required: Cordelia gets better and better, you guys, I can’t even.
Inca Mummy Girl: I was going to put this on Do Not Watch List but OZ, YOU GUYS. Just fast-forward to the parts with Seth Green in them.
Lie to Me: I went back and forth on this one. It’s really, really good but I’m not sure you’d be missing anything by skipping it.
Bad Eggs: THIS ONE IS SO MUCH FUN PLEASE JUST WATCH IT.

OK FINE, skip these:

Reptile Boy: Yeah, this one is the Britta of season two.
Ted: This one is actually sort of good (John Ritter!) but I find it extremely EXTREMELY uncomfortable to watch. Your mileage may vary.
Killed by Death: The monster in this one is terrifying but I found the episode itself to be kind of boring? Sorry.
Go Fish: This one is disturbing and not just because Xander wears a Speedo. He’s no Mulder, you guys.

The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

I recently started rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, from the beginning, which I haven’t done in...years? A friend (Kathleen!) mentioned that she wants her BF (Jason!) to watch the show and asked for my help narrowing down which episodes from seasons 1 - 5 he should definitely, definitely watch. My first thought was that he should watch all of them, but I understand some people don’t like to make that kind of commitment, so I figured I’d TRY to narrow it down, at least. I plan on addressing each season as soon as I finish it. We’ll see if that holds up.

Out of all of the seasons of Buffy, I’d be most likely to skip episodes from the first. There’s a certain charm to the first season, all low production values and awkward acting, but if you’re short on time, you’d be OK skipping most of it, especially since so much Buffy-lore has seeped into pop culture consciousness by now.

Here are the episodes that are simply must watch in order to understand the show:

Welcome to the Hellmouth: Buffy moves to Sunnydale, meets her Watcher (Giles!), and those who will become her friends (Xander! WILLOW!) and frenemy (Cordelia). Also, Darla. Also, The Master. I think Angel shows up in this one? Probably?
The Harvest: Darla, The Master, and the Alien Bounty Hunter from The X-Files are up to shenanigans. Buffy tries to stop them.
Never Kill a Boy On the First Date: Buffy tries to date and be the Slayer at the same time. It goes about as well as you’d expect.
Angel: There’s more to Angel than would first appear but you probably already know about it by now.
Prophecy Girl: Buffy vs. The Master (FINALLY).

Here are the ones I’d watch, just because they’re fun:

Witch: Cheerleading and witchery! Also introduces Amy who will be (spoiler alert) somewhat important later.
Nightmares: This one is creepy but not the greatest. It actually reminds me more of an episode of The X-Files than Buffy.
Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Actually, same for this one. Maybe that’s why I like them. Huh. Anyway, this one is worth it because of the awesome Clea DuVall.

And finally, the ones I’d skip altogether, because YIKES:

Teacher’s Pet: Xander and a bug lady. No, thank you.
The Pack: Xander becomes a hyena and is mean to Willow. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 
I, Robot...you, Jane: Willow falls in love with a demon she met online, on second thought WHAT AM I SAYING WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY. (Bonus! The introduction of Jenny Calendar).
The Puppet Show: Ventriloquism. Enough said.

Shakespeare was an anti-semite, I guess?

YOU GUYS. Did you know that The Merchant of Venice is super racist? Because it is. I mean, I'm sure you already knew that. You're all much smarter than I am. But either I've never read The Merchant of Venice or I did and drank away forgot all knowledge of it because it took me a bit by surprise.

Friday night, Joe and I went to Free Shakespeare! with some friends (I mean, duh, I'm not talking about The Merchant of Venice for no reason). Free Shakespeare! is exactly what it sounds like (but not, like, "let Shakespeare out of his cage," more like Shakespeare that costs zero dollars), only I'm not sure if they're an Ohio group or a traveling group or what. I'm sure I could look into it a bit more and easily find the answer but YOU GUYS, I have other things to do. I told you I'm rewatching Buffy, right? That's taking up a lot of my free time, OK?

OK! Anyway. So we saw The Merchant of Venice on Friday and, as it turns out, that one is about all these terrible people who completely ruin a Jewish guy's life but don't worry, you guys, because all of those terrible people end up happy. THANK GOODNESS. I think it was supposed to be a comedy? But mostly I just felt uncomfortable.

It was fun, though, sitting outside and soaking up some culture. And I didn't even have to use my brain that much, because all of the actors wore t-shirts with their character names on them. I think this should be standard for all plays, but this is probably why they don't put me in charge of things.

I know this will surprise you, but I went out and was social on Friday AND Saturday this weekend. I KNOW. It took a lot out of me but I muddled through. My friend's birthday was on Saturday, so I went ALL THE WAY TO COLUMBUS to meet her for dinner. After dinner, we sat in a bar in the Short North, right by the window, and watched people walk by. I confessed to my friend that, anymore, going out to bars on a Saturday night mostly makes me feel old, especially when I see gaggles of mini-skirted-early-twentysomethings teeter by on giant heels at 11pm, just starting the night as I sit yawning into my beer. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

I haven't actually matured in my old age, though. Yesterday, Joe and I were supposed to go see E.T. AT AN ACTUAL THEATER, something I'd been talking about bragging about all week, but when I called the theater that morning to see if it was still happening, they told me the studio cancelled it! WHAT THE FUCK, SPIELBERG?! So Joe and I did the next best thing, which consisted of going to two Targets until we found a copy of E.T. and then to a bunch of other stores FOR NO RAISIN and by the time we got home, we didn't have time to watch it. Standard.

In other news, last night I had a dream that I was initiated into a secret society of famous people. Part of my initiation process was working on a creative project with one of the famous people and I really wanted to work with Simon Pegg but the leader of the secret society was all, "no, Eric is going to work with Simon Pegg," and I was convinced that it was all because I'm a woman and the leader of the secret society was sexist because Eric and I RAISED OUR DAMN HANDS AT THE SAME TIME when Simon Pegg asked who wanted to work with him and so I started a protest group within the secret society. I have no idea what Simon Pegg's creative project even was or who this Eric person was but it's nice to know that my brain thinks I'm Hermione Granger.