Everyone knows how to play Never Have I Ever, if they have spent even one night in college or watched that one episode of Lost when Kate and Sawyer played it. The rules are simple. Someone says, "never have I ever done something" and if you've done it you take a drink. Easy. Let's play.
Never have I ever messed up coffee.
Never have I ever messed up coffee, twice.
Never have I ever messed up Easy Mac.
Never have I ever messed up Easy Mac, three times.
Never have I ever tried to grill a frozen piece of pork.
Never have I ever had to look up on the internet how to cook pasta.
Never have I ever had to look up on the internet how to brown meat.
Never have I ever overcooked a piece of chicken to the point that it was inedible.
Never have I ever burned piece of garlic bread because I was too busy overcooking a piece of chicken.
Never have I ever set off the smoke detector while using the microwave.
Never have I ever put a frozen 3 Musketeers bar into the microwave, wrapper still on, to soften it.
Never have I ever stuck a metal pot in the microwave, causing a small explosion.
Never have I ever asked what the broiler does.
Never have I ever asked how long it takes to melt butter.
Never have I ever had to call my father to the house where I'm babysitting because I couldn't use the can opener and I didn't want the children to starve. (True story, as my father and uncle so helpfully reminded me this past weekend)
If you can drink to all of those, congratulations . . . you are as helpless in the kitchen as I am. Your prize is a lifetime supply of frozen dinners and Chinese take-out menus.
UPDATE: The position of full-time cook is now open. I cannot pay you, but I will do all of the dishes. Eventually.