If I call you very often, then you know I leave never-ending, rambling messages. I try to leave normal messages for people I don't know very well yet (because I want them to, you know, WANT to talk to me) but the people I've known for a long time get to listen to me babble to their voicemail, usually until the lady cuts me off. Heidi knows this better than anyone. For instance, yesterday I called her after work to tell her I was going to the library. Because I was afraid if she got home from work and I wasn't already sitting on the sofa reading, she'd think I got kidnapped by gorillas or something. And don't tell me gorillas would never kidnap me. They're planning something, I just know it.
Anyway, here is the message I left her:
Heeeey, it's me. OH MY GOD, so I just got gas and guess what? Well, first of all, it cost me $40 to fill up my teeny tiny car and THAT'S NOT FAIR. $3.95 for gas? WHAT THE HELL? Anyway, so I was pulling into the gas station and I saw THE MYSTERY MACHINE. THE FREAKING MYSTERY MACHINE. I thought Scooby Doo was gonna jump out, but he didn't. Oh, so I'm on my way to the library because I'm almost done with my book and I can't remember if I have any books I haven't read yet, so clearly I need to get some from the library. I hope my fine isn't too big. It's OK if it is, though. I don't mind paying my library fines and you know why? Because then they can buy more books. And that benefits the entire city, really. I'm such a good person. My irresponsibility means the library can buy more books and then I can read the books and then I can take the books back late and then I can pay my fine and then THEY CAN BUY MORE BOOKS. So, I'm going to the library, I'll see you at home, OK BYE.
That is almost word for word, I think. Heidi is much better at getting to the point. Here was the message she left me in response:
YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE BOOKS. GET OUT OF THE LIBRARY.
What she doesn't know is, yuh-huh, I do SO need more books, because the other day I stumbled upon THIS LIST and realized with shame, shame, SHAAAAAAME, how few of them I had read. And so I printed the first 50, thinking I'd be able to find at least a couple of them at the library and wouldn't you know it? I found the first four (although, I'd already read one, SCORE) and so I'm starting with #1, Never Let Me Go and I'll tell you what. I could not put that book down last night and I stayed up far too late reading it and I am really sleepy right now, but I don't care. I thought about calling in sick today so I could stay home and read (also because it's raining), but decided against it in case my boss found out and fired me for being a slacker a-hole. After all, I need this job so I can pay my library fines.
I checked out library books for like the first time ever this week. It was awesome. They just, like, let you have them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, why is Harry Potter not on that list?
I know! And once you pay your fine, they let you have more!
ReplyDeletenice banner.
ReplyDeletehee.
Um, it's only the BEST. BANNER. EVER.
ReplyDelete(thanks again, btw)
this blog is hot.
ReplyDeleteALSO, you totally stole (new word: stoltally) my blog post out of my head. Yesterday, when I had to pay the library $20, I wove them a yarn about how I was happy to do it because it's the library! Paying library fines is a GOOD DEED! Heaven, here I come!
Abs, we are totally keeping the libraries in this country afloat.
ReplyDeleteRemains of the Day was a better book for me than Never Let Me Go. Also, Plot Against America is not one that I think you should rush to read.
ReplyDeleteAlso - thank you for still blogging. Once a week at The Collective wasn't going to cut it.
I think Remains of the Day is on that list. I suppose I'll get to it eventually. Heh.
ReplyDeletei'm reading it now! wheeeeee!
ReplyDelete(this is either a "runner's high" or i'm delirious from the pain.)
When you say you saw the Mystery Machine, are you talking the real deal? Because walking around the streets where I live I once saw the low budget hippie Mystery Machine, and it was a little underwhelming.
ReplyDeletekat! please explain this "runner's high?" I've never experienced it.
ReplyDeletevahid, no! It was like THE REAL ONE. It was so amazing I almost crashed my car.
i once saw the mystery machine in nebraska at two am, on I-80 in the fog. my teammates and i mooned it.
ReplyDeletei don't believe in runner's high either. i think it must be like unicorns.
i love my library fines. except when i'm broke. then they suck.
I wonder if unicorns get a runner's high?
ReplyDeletewell, and if they did, what would it feel like? isn't the whole point of this supposed 'runner's high' that you feel like you're flying? unicorns already fly.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a unicorn's runner's high feels like something other than flying. Like maybe unicorns secretly wish they could swim like a dolphin, so running makes them feel like that.
ReplyDeleteIt's not THAT long. That's what she said.
ReplyDelete