This is really long. That's what she said. Shut up, Jennie.

You guys, I had one of those weekends where SO MUCH HAPPENED that the thought of writing everything down is exhausting. And I'm already exhausted, but I'll do my best. I took Thursday off of work, because Wednesday was Tamara's bachelorette party. We went to a wine bar for dinner and my brain almost exploded (in a good way) because there was so much wine to choose from, plus also, I got to meet Karen (from the internet . . . hi, Karen!). Not that I know anything about wine, though. I was almost just like, "give me some red wine, please . . . just bring me a box of it," but then I closed my eyes and pointed at the menu and ordered a flight of three kinds of white wine and NO I don't remember what any of them were. Leave me alone.

THEN. We went to the bar next door because it was $5 martini night. I know less about martinis than I do about wine, but these martinis were all flavored and, while I did not try all of them, the ones I tried were all delicious. I ordered this raspberry one at first that tasted like a margarita (um, because there was tequila in it, Jennie), so I'm not sure it even qualifies as a martini. It was in a martini glass, though. Anyway, I almost didn't order it because they spelled raspberry wrong on the menu. TWICE. Sigh.

After the martini bar, Tamara's Man of Honor handed out penis straws and we went to a gay bar. There was much dancing. Also, I gave my penis straw to the bathroom attendant and told her to enjoy it because, and I quote, "I already have a bunch of penis straws at home anyway."

Friday was the wedding and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. I am converting to Judaism, because then I could start going to Tamara and Jeremy's temple, which had the most comfortable seats ever. I realize that's not a good reason to convert, but it also means that if and when I ever got married, my husband could smash a glass and everyone would yell "mazel tov!" which, let's face it, is awesome because how often do you get to yell at church? Hardly ever. I'm Lutheran and the last time I yelled in church, they tied me up naked outside until I apologized. I'm kidding. That never happened. I don't know why I do that.

I've never been to a wedding ceremony that ran the gamut (yeah, I just said gamut) of emotions the way Tamara and Jeremy's did. First of all, Tamara made everyone cry when she read her vows, which is totally rude. Well, I didn't cry, because I'm dead inside, but I had tissues for everyone else. That is the kind of person I am. I knew I wouldn't cry because I don't cry in public (I refuse, because it shows I have feelings), but I like to be prepared so I had tissues with me JUST IN CASES. So yeah. Tamara made everyone laugh, too, which made up for the crying. When she was reading the ketubah (while standing under the chuppa . . . oh SNAP), she said, "you are my face . . . wait, that's not right . . . you are my EVERYTHING . . . haha, same thing," and so the rest of the night, we were all, "you are my face HAHAHAHAHAHA," because A) it's funny and B) there was an open bar.

The reception was in this building with lots of trolley cars, which I guess we weren't supposed to be climbing around on, so Heidi should probably delete all those pictures from her camera so we don't get in trouble. At the end of the night, they handed us all sparklers even though we'd been drinking for five hours. I'm not going to lie to you. I kicked off my shoes and ran through the grass with my sparkler and ALSO I regretted it the next day because . . . freaking ow. Heidi and I also helped Jake Gyllenhaal (ok, it wasn't REALLY Jake Gyllenhaal . . . but he was a groomsman that looked remarkably LIKE Jake Gyllenhaal, so . . . close enough) shove Reese's Pieces into his vest, after I convinced him that I was psychic:

Him: I have to go ur --
Jeremy: What?
Him: I have to use the restroom.
Me: It's OK. You can say "urinate." We won't be offended.
Him: How did you know I was going to say urinate?
Me: I'm psychic.
Him: Really? What am I thinking right now?
Me: I can't say it out loud. It's really dirty.
Him: That's right! How did you know?
Me: . . . I'm psychic.
Him: What's my name?
Me: Jake.
Him: Oh my god.

And then I tried to convince everyone to throw Reese's Pieces everywhere so ET would find them and come hang out with us. Nobody did, though, because Reese's Pieces are too delicious to throw on the ground.

On Saturday, I went to two cookouts, and at the first one I saw a big bird, tried to convince a small child to look for caterpillars in the pond (but I wasn't trying to drown him I SWEAR, even though that's what everyone THOUGHT I was trying to do), and got everyone to tell dead baby jokes. Other stuff happened, too, like Wii and Wall-E and firecrackers, but I'm spent, you guys. I need a nap.