"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

My idiocy is well-documented on this blog, but I really outdid myself yesterday. I went to the grocery after work, in the midst of a (barely) snowstorm, two days before Thanksgiving. And not only that, I went to the bad Kroger, the one with long lines and not enough cashiers, the one with questionable produce at the best of times, all because it’s five minutes closer than the good Kroger. I always do this. The good Kroger is so nice. It’s newer, everyone who works there smiles and says hi and asks if you need help instead of glaring at you or avoiding eye contact, and they always ask me if I’d like help out to my car. I would never, ever take them up on that, but I like being asked. It makes me feel like a 50s housewife for a moment (and a moment is really the only length of time I ever want to feel like a 50s housewife).

Her eyes are screaming.

I walked around the store, doubling back now and then as I inevitably forgot something, and spent my time mentally killing everyone in my path. The woman examining a box of band-aids, somehow blocking two aisles: DEAD. The man careening one of those stupid car carts down an aisle while his screaming children orbited around it like flies on a turd: DEAD. The lady standing in front of the bananas, blocking the entire display with her cart, while she obliviously chattered away on her phone: DOUBLE DEAD.

As I walked down the baking aisle, scowling at the world in front me, my brain looked like this:

I made this myself.

And then this lady, an older woman who was being trailed by several grandchildren, started coming down the aisle. I was already mentally rolling my eyes as her grandchildren splintered away and she slowly rolled her cart down the very middle of the aisle. However, she maneuvered her cart to one side when she saw me and then she completely erased my bad mood. It was like magic.

“Do I need nutmeg? Hmm, I can’t remember if I need nutmeg,” she said to the grandchildren who were no longer behind her. She kept walking, paying no mind, then looked straight at me.

“What do you think, honey? Do I need nutmeg?” she asked.

And without even thinking, I blurted out, “Of course, you can never have too much nutmeg. I bet you’ll be glad you have it.” She laughed and thanked me for my help, then continued making her way down the aisle as I exited the other end, grinning like a fool.

It reminded me, almost exactly, of a commencement speech David Foster Wallace gave called This is Water. Have you heard it? Here, just watch it. I know ten minutes of internet video is like ten hours of real time, but I promise you that it’s worth it.

I wish I could tell you that, after my short interaction with that lady, I made a conscious effort to pull my head out of my ass and remind myself that no one else in the store really wanted to be there either, and maybe I did, for a few moments, until someone else entered my glare zone. So, you know. Can't really put that one in the win column.

Although, at least I’ve got the perspective now, right? And just in time for Thanksgiving, too.

Joey had reasons. They were threefold.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday, YES EVEN MORE FAVORITE THAN CHRISTMAS. Thanksgiving is an excuse for sloth and gluttony, which are two of my favorite vices, and, yeah, you can eat a lot and sleep a lot on Christmas but there's so much PRESSURE at Christmastime. You have to buy the right gifts and make sure you spend time with all of your friends and family, and there's usually some work-related holiday function you have to attend and when, WHEN I ASK YOU, is the free time at Christmas? There's no such thing.

Not Thanksgiving, though. Sure, you might have to make several stops on your Thanksgiving journey, but there's delicious food at all of them. It's what the Pilgrims always dreamed of. I think. Right? Wasn't that was the point of the first Thanksgiving? Eating and drinking a lot? And being really smelly?

And so, in honor of America's laziest holiday, I present...A LIST. My top five Thanksgivings, in no particular order:

1. The Shrinking Table

Back when I was in high school, I think, we went to Thanksgiving at my Grandma's, because TRADITION. My cousins were all very wee and I spent most of my time chasing them around my Grandma's house until one or all of us got tired. In a brief moment of rest, I was sitting at a large folding table with my dad when my cousin Josh, then four or so, came in. He walked out of the room, and I don't know how this came about, but my dad and I decided to fold up the table we were sitting at and set up a slightly smaller one. When Josh came back in, he was amazed! The table had shrunk! What sorcery was this?!

He left again, we folded up that table, and replaced it with a slightly smaller one. Josh came back in and was all, "wtf," but, you know, in four-year-old-speak, and I told him Casper had come in and was sprinkling shrinking powder on everything. Which maybe traumatized him for life but we're not sure yet. Josh left again, we replaced that table with a TV tray, Josh came in and saw it, left to look for Casper, and when he came back in, we'd put the TV tray away and told Josh that the table finally got so small that we couldn't see it anymore. It was awesome.

Also, I just remembered that this might have also happened on Christmas, not Thanksgiving. THIS LIST IS RUINED ALREADY.

2. The First Thanksgiving (with Joe)

I'm not talking about actual Thanksgiving, when our schedule was thus: I went to my family's Thanksgiving, he went to his family's, I went over to his family's for dessert, we both went back to MY family's for dessert...I mean, wtf, that is crazy, which is why now we alternate Thanksgiving holidays with our families. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving with my family, this year we spend it with his family, and so on and so on forever and ever.

I'm talking about the next day, when we consolidated all of the Thanksgiving leftovers our parents had given us, with a trip to the grocery store for extra mashed potatoes (probably), and rewarmed everything so we could eat another Thanksgiving dinner, in our pajamas, while watching It's Always Sunny or some other such nonsense. Perfect day, yes?

3. The Turkey Trot

Back in 2007, Heidi and I decided that the best way to start our Thanksgiving would obviously be to run five miles, because then there would be zero guilt about the 50 pounds of mashed potatoes we planned on eating later in the day. We "trained" for it and were at the starting line at 8am that frigid, rainy morning and, though we felt like dying several times during the race, we finished it. I wanted to wear my number for the rest of the day but eventually showered so I could spend Thanksgiving with my family, drinking wine and playing games and talking about my upcoming trip to DC because that was also the same year as:

4. Collective Thanksgiving!

This was not the first time I'd ever met anyone IRL after getting to know them online, and it wasn't the last time, but it was the most memorable. I don't even remember how exactly The Collective as a group came to be. Kat and I had been reading each other's blogs for quite a while, and I vaguely remember somehow stumbling across Heather Anne and Abigail's blogs, but I don't remember when we all stopped being Heather Anne and Kat and Abigail and Jennie and instead became a complete set.

I also can't remember whose idea it was to get together for Thanksgiving, but that person is a genius. I got up in the wee small hours of the morning on Black Friday, but it wasn't to go shopping, it was to drive to DC and meet some of the best people I've ever had the honor of knowing. There was something magical about that trip. We got to skip the "getting to know you" portion of IRL friendships because we already knew each other. We knew each other for years without ever having met. But, you know, I'm so glad we finally did meet, obviously. I mean, otherwise I would have missed Abigail and Heather Anne's version of the OK Go treadmill dance, and who other than Kat would ever make me a balloon animal and then tie it to a firecracker? THEY ARE THE GREETEST.

5. The One With Chandler in a Box

Yeah, I know I wasn't technically AT this Thanksgiving celebration but I watched it on TV and isn't that almost the same thing? YES.

thank you!

Thank you to all who donated! You are my most favorite people, right up there with Joe and Mr. Darcy and Hermione Granger and don't start on how two of those people are imaginary because in my head they are as real as you SO THERE.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is thank you very much. Hee.

I wish turkey only cost a nickel

Linus is so full of shit.

Happy Thanksgiving, Internets. I hope you eat turkey until your stomach explodes.

Not really. That'd be messy. And gross. See (WARNING: do not watch while eating):

this has a surprise ending*

Brace yourselves. This is going to be long and possibly unpleasant for those of you who were not there.

Now. Let me tell you about the best trip ever. Not only did I get to hang out in DC (which I have decided I am in love with, much to my mother's chagrin), but I got to meet the following people:

Kat!
Abigail!
Heather! Anne!
Heather B!
Mysterygirl! (who really deserves credit for all the exclamation point action the Internets has seen lately)

I left very, very early Friday morning. It was still dark. So dark. I drove and drove and drove and when I got to Maryland I saw this sign:

Oh. My. God. You guys, I almost pooped my pants. I had NO IDEA there were bears in Maryland. I was disappointed that I didn't see any, actually. But not too disappointed because soon I was in DC! And then lost. So very lost. At one point, I was totally driving around some parking lot type area with fences and crap that looked really, really official and I thought a soldier might jump out and arrest me. But Seth got me unlost speedy quick and thanks to him I am not still wandering the cold streets of DC, begging people to please PLEASE tell me how to get to 395. That night, Kat! served us the most delicious meal in all of creation. And we played UNO and there were pirate hooks and a ninja sword and I feel like I've talked about all this before, Internets, but I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUN. You know what I like best about Kat!, Internets? She understands just how important alcohol is and I don't think my glass was empty the entire night. Kat! is my people.

The next day we did six miles worth of sightseeing and the very best part was when we walked up the steps at the Lincoln Memorial and stared at the reflection of the Washington Monument in the reflecting pool and Abigail! exclaimed, "OHHHHH! Reflecting pool! Now I get it!" My favorite thing about Abigail!, Internets, is that she gets SO EXCITED about everything. Like, during UNO . . . the whole Super Absorbency card? She would not let UNO off the hook for that. She was SO EXCITED about hating Super Absorbency and FOR GOOD REASON. Also, Seth was the one who created the "Super Absorbency" saying that was repeated the entire weekend, and I give him full credit for that, but I don't know if it would have stuck around if Abigail! had not taken it under her wing and let it grow like a tiny, tiny baby bird (I don't know).

Later that night, we all went to Rocket Bar. This bar has everything. Big Buck Hunter. PBR in cans. A bouncer who told me where the bathroom was after he saw me wandering around aimlessly. BOARD GAMES. And that night? Heather B! and Mysterygirl! I love that they weren't completely terrified that we kept yelling "SUPER ABSORBENCY" the whole night and neither one of them gave me funny looks for anything I said! It was awesome. I mean, even during my speech about how if the United States was the human body (stay with me), and if the body was lying on its side, DC would be the crotch (of the nation) and the Washington Memorial would be the wiener. This led to a discussion where something was said about Ohio and Georgia being the kidneys and Lake Michigan being the vas deferens, but Lake Michigan as the vas deferens was a different version of the US as the human body because . . . oh my god. You know what? I'm gonna stop there because I'm talking about vas deferens. AGAIN. Also, I don't remember a lot of it because most of the time when I'm talking? I'm not even listening to what I'm saying. And I think this all happened after Abigail! bought me a tequila shot so . . . you know. Enough said.

ALSO. We played Sorry! At a bar! And it was as fun as it sounds. Heather! Anne! kicked our asses. You know why? Karma. It's true. Internets, Heather! Anne! is the nicest person who ever existed. She kept telling people to send her back to start! Because it was their best move! AND SHE STILL WON! How? KARMA. Also, she shot so many turkeys during Big Buck Hunter time. She has a gift, it's true. I would also like to talk so much about Abigail! and Heather! Anne's rendition of the OK Go treadmill dance but . . . words don't do it justice. You had to see it in person. It was magic. I just know it.

When we went back home, Kat! made balloon animals (I know!) and then we tied one to a firecracker but we didn't set it off because A) we were inside and B) I think actually we forgot about it because C) oh, the drinking. We stayed up until six, because Heather! Anne's! flight was very, very early in the morning and we decided (notice I did not say Heather! Anne! decided) that it would be better for her to just stay up all night. So we all sat around talking about our families and boys and the difference between digital photos and Polaroids and who knows what else (I don't remember) but I had forgotten just how fun it could be to stay up all night for no raisin. I got cold and tired so I put my jacket on, stretched out on the floor, and listened to the conversation for a while. Before I fell asleep, Kat! crawled over to the iPod lying next to my head, asked what I wanted to hear, and when I said Oasis, she said she knew I was going to say that and the best part was, I KNEW she knew I was going to say that.

During the course of the trip, we even managed to squeeze in several meals at delicious restaurants, a partial viewing of Harry Potter, a total viewing of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, and several episodes of Futurama. It was the greetest.

There was one bad thing about the trip, though. It's a horrible thing. I don't even like to think about it. It's really hard (that's what she said). But it's just so terrible and sad and I think I might cry. The worst thing about the trip is that it ended. Wah waaaaah!

*That was a trick to get you to read all the way to the end. If you skipped ahead, well . . . BRAVO, you tricky bastard.

Hello, Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol. And you know what else? We would like some more beers.

If all has gone as planned, I am posting this very, very early (I'm writing this Thursday night and posting it Friday morning and if that bends the NaBlow rules then SO BE IT). I should be all packed, ready to get in the car and head to DC, where I will spend the weekend with some very fun people. Actually, very fun doesn't even begin to describe them, but give me a break. It's too early (humor me, will you?) to think of better adjectives.

the turkey trot?

Trotted.

Now I am going to go eat 27 helpings of mashed potatoes.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Remember how yesterday I said my car smelled musty? Well, there is a definite weird smell going on in there right now. I don't know exactly what it is. But I suspect it has something to do with this:

Last week, we had an awards luncheon at work and at every awards luncheon someone wins the centerpiece at their table. And last week, I won it. Whoo. Hoo. I felt kind of bad, like I should give it to someone who wouldn't neglect it and end up killing it and possibly even throw it off the balcony to see how big of a mess it would make.

However, I can't just give away stuff that I won FOR FREE. It is totally against my evil, hoarding nature. The Universe must have had SOME REASON for me winning it, and so I carried it proudly out to my car and set it on the floor in the backseat. Then I proceeded to drive like I normally do, which is not well, and when I got home I noticed the centerpiece had fallen over and gotten the floor all wet. "Oh well," I thought, "it's just water," conveniently forgetting that it was DIRTY FLOWER WATER that had been STEWING INSIDE OF A PUMPKIN FOR HOURS.

So, yes. Apparently The Universe DID have a plan. It wanted to make my car all stinky, just in time for my eight hour drive to DC. Thank you, The Universe. I wouldn't expect anything else from you.

Well, I’m going to start fast. Then I’m going to run fast in the middle. Then I’m going to end fast.

Last Friday, after some fast and furious emailing, Heidi and I decided to run the Turkey Trot. Actually, what happened was, I spent the majority of the afternoon looking up various upcoming races in the Dayton area and then I asked Heidi if she wanted to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. Once she said yes, I told her the race was at 8 AM. Mwaahaahaa! Seriously, though, it needs to be early in the morning because I need plenty of time the rest of the day to eat mashed potatoes. Also, Turkey Trot is fun to say. Turkey Trot Turkey Trot TURKEY TROT! Although, it kind of sounds like a stomach disease you might get while traveling, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

I was telling my parents about the race last night and I don't think my dad believes we're actually going to do it. Not just because I have never run a five mile race before IN MY LIFE, but also because I say I'm going to do a lot of things that I never end up doing (see: play the guitar, write a novel, develop a time machine). But this race costs money so if I don't end up doing it, I'm out $17 and I don't know about you but I'm not in any position to wipe my ass with 17 dollars and throw it in the toilet and flush it away to China or anywhere else, for that matter.

Heidi and I went running last night and I told her that if anyone gets in my way during the Turkey Trot, I'm going to push them over. Or trip them. Or kick them in the babymaker. This was after I grabbed my boobs and jumped up and down to demonstrate how much they DIDN'T EVEN MOVE because I was wearing two sports bras. Apparently SOMEONE needs to work on her race etiquette before Thanksgiving.

love at first bite (har har)

I am about to run away and elope with the turkey sandwich I am currently consuming.

Of course, by the time we get to Vegas he will be in my tummy, so this could be a problem.

Hmm.

I wish turkey only cost a nickel

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I was pretty tired last night from the near-constant eating and was comatose before midnight. What. A. Loser.

And in case anyone was wondering (and don't pretend you weren't), I did NOT forget the rolls. Here is proof:

They look like little butts, right? Tell the truth. It was entirely unintentional, I promise, but a very welcome addition to the Thanksgiving table.

In other butt news, I bought new underwear today. Don't be jealous of my exciting life. Or my butt's exciting life, for that matter. Never mind.

What is with everyone today? It's Thanksgiving, not truth day!

Last night I went over to my parents' (walked, actually, nearly TWO MILES and yes I live that close to my parents) house to help get stuff ready for today. And by help, I mean stand around, drink wine, and make smart ass remarks.

Granted, I was trusted with several tasks, such as vacuuming, holding the bag open so my dad could squeeze in the 26 pound turkey (a bit like trying to watch a big, fat guy shove himself into a mini Cooper, no?), and making sure everyone's wine glasses never emptied. I was really good at the last one.

And even though I was not given anything but the most minimal tasks, I really think everyone will be able to benefit today from my help yesterday. Especially since I plan on carrying over my wine-glass-filling duties from last night. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Happy Thanksgiving, Internets.

I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him. This isn’t even a stopwatch, it’s a digital thermometer.

This year I'm going to Thanksgiving at my parents' house and there was some discussion about what I was going to be required to bring.

Dad: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving?
Me: I have to bring something?
Dad: Well, yeah.
Me: Um. I guess I could bring that bread dip.
Mom: No, not for Thanksgiving.
Me: OK.
Mom: You could make the green bean casserole.
Me: Sure, let's assume that.
Mom: Do you have a crock pot?
Me: Heidi does, but it's a really big one.
Mom: Well, you can borrow one of mine.
Me: Is it hard to make?
Mom: No, it's easy.
Me: Are you sure I can make it?
Mom: Of course.
Me: Really?
Mom: Well. Maybe you can just bring the rolls.

So, I'm in charge of the rolls. Who wants to bet I'll forget to buy them until I have driven over to my parents' on Thursday, pulled into the driveway, turned off the car, and walked up to the door and then SUDDENLY I remember and have to run far away (or to Kroger, whatever) to risk the grocery on THANKSGIVING because I can't even be trusted with ROLLS. What? It could happen. Kroger is open on Thanksgiving, right?

Anyway, I also get off work early on Wednesday (don't pretend you're not jealous) so I thought I'd offer to come over and help my mom with some stuff. Because I am such a good daughter.

Mom: I was just calling to tell you that you can DEFINITELY bring the rolls.
Me: OK.
Mom: The green bean casserole is covered.
Me: Sure.
Mom: Rolls will be fine.
Me: Got it, Mom.
Mom: OK.
Me: Do you want me to come over on Wednesday and help with anything?
Mom: Sure, that'd be great.
Me: Wow, you'd trust me with helping to cook Thanksgiving dinner?
Mom: . . .
Me: Mom?
Mom: Maybe you can just start cleaning the house while your dad and I handle the cooking.

Point taken, Mom. You know, I've always assumed that one day I'll learn how to cook, but if I'm gonna hold out for The Perfect Man: Version 7.0, then HELLO, he's obviously going to not only know HOW to cook, but he's going to want nothing less than to cook me a gourmet meal every night of the week. Duh.

Also, I'm really hoping that my precious role as The First Born means I'll get to take some turkey home with me. Or, more importantly, mashed potatoes. I know it'll all be delicious because, you know, I'm not helping.