Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family!

Last night, after a lovely (but spicy) dinner at Chipotle, I came home and decided to write articles for the rest of the evening. Then I looked at my bed and thought, "I should change my sheets." And then changing my sheets led to starting some laundry and that led to putting my pajamas on (I don't know) and THAT led to watching TV with Heidi. I don't know how these things happen, they just do. After TV, I was all, "I'm going to go to my room," and that's when I saw IT. On the wall, right outside my bedroom door. A giant bug that had a million legs. A MILLION.

Now. I'm OK with most bugs. I usually let spiders live if I see one in the apartment (because spiders eat bugs) and if I see any other bugs, I smoosh the crap out of them with a tissue. And then I flush them down the toilet just in case they're zombie bugs and they're going to come back to life. One time, at my old apartment, Phoebe killed a cricket (while I freaked out and cowered on the couch . . . from a cricket . . . not my proudest moment) and I ran it down the garbage disposal.

But, you guys? This bug was monstrous and creepy. Did I mention all the legs? Bugs with millions of legs freak me out. OK, Google tells me that this bug was a common house centipede, but WHATEVER, Google, you didn't see it! Ahem. So, I clutched the wall and stared at the bug and said, "Heidi! COME HERE THERE'S A BUG OH MY GOD," and she was all, "OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT?" and I was like, "I DON'T KNOW I NEED A SHOE GIVE ME A SHOE SO I CAN SMASH IT!" and she was like, "We need a stick! A long stick!" and I was all, "that's what she said!" only not really, really I said, "GET. ME. A. SHOE!" Because I couldn't go in my ROOM to get one of MY shoes because THE BUG WAS RIGHT NEXT TO MY DOOR AND WHAT IF IT ATTACKED ME AS I WALKED BY AHHHHH!

So, Heidi picked up one of her (brand new) running shoes. I said, "Are you sure you don't want me to use an old shoe?" She looked at the shoe and then looked at me and then looked back at the shoe and said, "I'll get an old shoe." She gave me an old ballet flat, when what I really wanted was a giant combat boot. Something with some weight to it, you know? But I took the ballet flat and I crouched next to the bug.

Me: Oh my god.
Heidi: Smash it!
Me: Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
Heidi: Do you want me to do it?
Me: No . . . I'll do it.

And then I SMASHED the shoe into the wall! And missed! And the bug ran behind the hallway mirror!

[cue loud, girlish screaming]

Me: I MISSED!
Heidi: WHERE IS IT? IS IT ON THE SHOE? IT'S ON THE SHOE!
Me: IT'S NOT ON THE SHOE! [looks at shoe in horror] IT'S NOT ON THE SHOE, it's behind the mirror.

So I walked closer to the mirror and waited. And waited. And then it came out! And I smashed it! And I missed again! AND THEN, YOU GUYS, IT RAN INTO MY ROOM!

Heidi: It ran in your room!
Me: I KNOW!
Heidi: GET IT, GET IT!

I went in my room and started stabbing the bug with the toe of the shoe.

Me: DIE, BUG, DIE DIE DIE!
Heidi: Is it dead?
Me: AHHHHHH!!
Heidi: Is it dead?
Me: WHY. WON'T. IT. DIE???
Heidi: Is it dead?
Me: . . .
Heidi: Is it dead?
Me: Yeah.
Heidi: I'll get the vacuum and you can sweep it up.
Me: Good idea.

So the bug is now inside our vacuum. Hopefully it's dead. Otherwise, I'm afraid it'll attack me the next time I empty the vacuum cleaner. I feel a lot closer to Heidi now. Like we've been through battle together. Because that WAS a battle and don't you argue because YOU WEREN'T THERE. You didn't see the evil look on that nefarious bug's face.

(To be continued? DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!)

Two posts in one day? Clearly I'm going for quantity, not quality.

We got home from Cox Arboretum a little while ago, and my shoes, they are covered in mud. Because, even though EVERY SPRING I come home muddy when I take my first trip out there, I never seen to remember. I don't learn very well from my mistakes, I guess. See? That was back during that time I was asking myself what Elizabeth Bennet would do whenever I had to make a decision. Remember? It's OK if you don't, it was like two years ago. Um. Anyway. Good talk, guys.

Sidenote: You know what pisses me off? I can never remember if Bennet has one or two Ts. Bleh.

So, there's this dog that lives at the arboretum. His name is Zip (or Zipp, depending on what sign you're looking at) and according to all the signs, he's there to chase away the geese. But don't worry, the sign also points out that he doesn't harm them. It was a very helpful sign. Now, I cannot tell you how many times I've been out there and I've never, ever seen this dog. Until today. He was everywhere. Heidi and I were standing by the pond, staring at the turtles, when suddenly he came running straight at us. Once he got in front of us, he saw some turtles at the edge of the water and just stood there staring at them. I think maybe they were having a conversation that went something like this:

Zip(p): Hey, turtles!
Turtle 1: Excuse me, dog, but our names are Clarence and Mildred.
Mildred: Clarence! Put your head in your shell like I'm doing! Then he can't see you.
Clarence: Mildred, how many times do I have to tell you that just because you can't see them, that doesn't mean they can't see you.
Mildred: What? I can't hear very well inside here.
Clarence: Sigh. So, dog--
Zip(p): My name's Zip(p)!
Clarence: Right. Zip(p). Can I help you with something?
Zip(p): Wanna be friends?
Clarence: No.
Zip(p): Let's be friends!
Clarence: No.
Zip(p): I'm just gonna lie down right here until we're friends.
Clarence: I'm getting in the water now.
Zip(p): OK, talk to you later, friend!

That's exactly how it happened. Ask Heidi, she was there.

Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station, where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations

I don't know why, but it seems that lately I have lost the ability to just sit around and do nothing. I mean, I am still perfectly capable of staring wistfully into space while listening to sad music. And daydreaming, I'm all over that. It would take a lot for me to lose that ability. Also, I can still easily lose hours to The Internets or a good book. But I find it difficult to watch even a half-hour of television without wanting to jump up and do something else. I'm not complaining. There are worse things in life than being distracted from a TV show. This may sound crazy, but I think I could easily become one of those people who doesn't even own a television (but what's all your furniture pointed at?) and I know right now you are shaking your head all, "Jennie, Jennie, Jennie, you are talking nonsense," but it's TRUE. Right now the only show I really care about seeing is The Office. The rest I could take or leave and if I'm honest with myself, I know that the world would not end if I stopped watching The Office.

Right now, I bet you're wondering who kidnapped the real Jennie and replaced her with this IMPOSTOR! But I say to you, BEHOLD, this IS the real Jennie. FEAST YOUR EYES AND TREMBLE IN FEAR. Anyway. Whatever.

Yesterday, after I got my hair cut and went to the bookstore and lost some time in Target, I came home and tried to sit around but that didn't work, so I changed into some old clothes and went to the nature reserve. I thought about going to Cox (heh) but that seemed like kind of a long drive just to walk around. I was going to wander around the pond by our apartment but then I remembered that Narrows Nature Reserve was just up the road. If you have been reading this blog for almost as long as I've had it (unlikely), you may remember the summer we kept catching chipmunks (and other various animals) and setting them free. Well, this nature reserve is where we took them. When I got there, I half expected a gang of angry chipmunks to come charging at me and carry me away to their secret, underground chipmunk lair. But they didn't. I was kind of disappointed because COME ON! Tiny underground chipmunk lair! If I managed to snap a couple pictures with my phone, I could be famous! Anyway, my dad made a comment yesterday that he's going to set rat traps for the chipmunks this year and I am saying to you right now, Dad, that if you set the humane traps I will personally drive each and every chipmunk you catch to the nature reserve. Please don't kill the chipmunks! I love them! I love them so much! Tell me about the rabbits, George!

Um, right, so I went to the nature reserve. As much as I try to be at one with nature (or whatever), I just don't think I'm very good at it. First of all, I'm far too clumsy. I cannot tell you how many tree roots I almost tripped over and I also almost fell in the river because I was climbing around on this tree branch that was hanging over the water. As I was doing it, I kept thinking, "Oh, Jennie, this is going to end badly. You are going to fall. How about you put your car keys down on the ground before you drop them into the water? Huh? Maybe you want to get down now, OK? Please?" but I didn't fall in the water, only almost. Almost doesn't count. ALSO, I am far too noisy for nature, because every time a bug dive bombed my face, I would exclaim, "FUCK!" or something equally intelligent but for serious, you guys, this one bug was following me, I swear. I never got a good look at it, but it was very buzzy so I fear it might have been a bee. You know how I feel about bees, right? Well, here is how I feel about bees. Only two things in the world scare the bejesus out of me, and that is bees and bats. Also, zombies, but I'm not sure that counts because they are not real (yet).

At one point, I was whistling (told you I was too noisy) down the path and spotted something very red on the ground and when I explored further, I saw that the bright, bright red was attached to a dead woodpecker. I've never seen a woodpecker that close before. I started to get kind of sad, but then the buzzy bug came back and I ran down the path, tripping over nothing but my own feet and almost face-planting on the way.