Friday, February 17, 2006

frankly, I'd rather give up Phoebe, because coffee doesn't pee on my bed

I don't remember the last time I slept all the way through the night. For the past couple of weeks, it's become normal for me to wake up at least twice. Usually more. I'll look at the clock and it's 3:14. OR 4:51. Or even 5:66. That's right. 5:66. I get really confused when I'm roused from sleep. Sometimes there is a reason I wake up. Phoebe is in my face, meowing and pressing her cold nose against my cheek. Or the Upstairs Loud Sex Neighbors are going at it again at 4 in the morning. Seriously. Sex at 4 AM. Sometimes I think they're trying to slowly drive me insane, but the joke's on them because I am already insane.

Last night, like many other nights, there was no reason for me to wake up. But I did. Several times. I even woke up twenty minutes before my alarm went off, and instead of lying there trying to go back to sleep, and then hitting snooze so many times that I have to make a mad dash to the shower, jump in my clothes, and leave for work looking like a crazy person with Einstein hair, I just got out of bed. Before the alarm. That is not normal behavior.

All of this is making me think I need to give up caffeine. But I don't want to. The thought of trying to get through a morning without the aid of coffee makes me want to cry and throw a tantrum and hold my breath until I get my way.

I'm writing this as I drink my second cup of coffee. It's lukewarm and doesn't even taste that good, but if you tried to take it from me I would have to get violent with you. I don't want to, but I would poke you in the eyes and scratch you and then throw my stapler at you, and then I would cry and hug you because WHY do you make me do things like that? Why? I just want to drink my coffee in peace, go home, and sleep through the night, and when I wake up feel rested! Not like I wrestled a bear or ran a marathon in my sleep. I wouldn't do either of these things in real life, why must I attempt them while I'm supposed to be sleeping.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hold my breath until I pass out.

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