Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with you. Conversations in which I confront all of the things you've done that have driven me up the wall. Where I tell you what I really think of you sometimes. Where I, uncharacteristically, rock the boat and disrupt the illusion of friendship we've had going for the past couple of months. Maybe longer. I don't know.

I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you didn't know how the things you said and did affected your friends. Maybe you did and didn't see a problem with it. How do you confront a person and say, "I have a problem with your character" without seeming like the biggest bitch in the world?

This weekend I found out something that you'd done to me personally. Something I had always wondered about but never actually believed you capable of. Something I cannot confront you about without betraying another friend's confidence. You said something to someone that was none of your business. Something a friend would never betray, especially when you had never even heard the words from me. And when I was told what you had said, I tried to laugh it off. I think. Tried to tell myself it didn't mean what I thought it did. But as the beer haze wore off and my thoughts became clearer, I could no longer ignore the implications.

It's the first time I've ever felt like you had intentionally tried to hurt me. Make me look like a fool. Make me wonder what other words of mine you had taken, twisted, and regurgitated in some form of, I don't know, hate or jealousy.

So this is why I have imaginary conversations with you. I still believe you have good points. Why else would we still be friends? I still believe you are a good person. I remember the kind of friends we used to be and it makes me sad to see what we've become, and it's not something I can blame entirely on you. Even though I try.

If the conversations ever stop feeling like they should be imaginary, if it ever comes to the point of real confrontation, then I'll know it's over and it's time to toss what's left of your friendship aside. Until then, I'll continue to pretend everything is OK. That the illusion is real. I've gotten pretty good at it.

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