The thought of popping one of your beets in my mouth makes me want to vomit.

Dear Internets, how are you today? I'm happy that it's Thursday, which is almost Friday, which is PRACTICALLY Saturday, which is, in fact, the weekend. We're having a luncheon at work today for . . . well, for no reason, really. I like having these luncheons because I get free food and most of the people I work with are really good cooks. I don't like having these luncheons because it means I have to cook something. I've gotten away with bringing chips and salsa or soda and ice a couple of times, but sometimes they actually expect me to cook something. Please. So I volunteered to bring brownies. At the time, I thought I'd be all Julia Childs (what?) and get my mom's brownie recipe and make real, homemade brownies. But then I got off work yesterday and was like, "yep, box mix it is." Whatever, the way I figure it, I can easily mess up brownies from scratch, but it's a lot harder to mess up box mix brownies.

So, yes, I made box brownies for my coworkers. But whatever, they're just my coworkers. And if any of them ask, I'm definitely saying I made them from scratch. Suckers.

Before I made brownies, I went running and discovered that it might be time to buy some new running shoes. Actually I think it's way past time to buy new running shoes, but that's beside the point. Who made up that saying? Beside the point, I mean. Why isn't it behind the point? Or on top of the point? Um.

Oh! I'm pretty sure I witnessed the best shoplifter ever at Kroger. I was waiting in line at the self-checkout and the two ladies at the checkout thingies on the right apparently knew each other and we're all "talk talk talk" while I gave the one in front Death Eyes because she was done and just standing there. FINALLY, she walked out all leisurely with her cart (her cart!) full of stuff. Well. I went up to the checkout and it was on that screen where you say how you're paying. That lady didn't pay! And she was so breezy about it! What a whore. If I ever see her again (and I'll recognize her, because I gave her Death Eyes for quite a while), I'm either going to shake her hand or kick her in the shins. I haven't decided yet. Maybe both.

I can't believe I keep forgetting to tell you guys about this. There's this commercial for a pregnancy test and the announcer has this super deep voice and is all, "when you're knocked up, you want to know ASAP because DEAR GOD babies are scary." I might be paraphrasing. Anyway, at the end of the commerical he says, "it is the most sophisticated piece of technology you'll ever pee on." The first time I heard it, I was all, "whaaaaa?" Can you say that on TV? If so, WHY would you say that on TV? Well, apparently you cannot say this on TV, because I heard the commercial again this morning and they'd changed it to, "it is the most sophisticated piece of technology you'll ever [clears throat] . . . you know." I was disappointed because it was so much funnier when he was talking about peeing on technology and now you probably don't even believe me. I know it sounds like something I would make up, but I swear that's what he really said. And I mean . . . what? It doesn't make sense. What if you accidentally pee on an iPhone or something? That's gotta be a more sophisticated piece of technology than a pregnancy test.

And you're probably thinking, "Jennie. How would one pee on an iPhone?" WELL, you doubters, I say to you THIS: say you're talking on your iPhone, but you just drank a gallon of water earlier and you really have to pee, so you head to the bathroom and . . . you know, and mid-stream, you drop your phone in the toilet and pee all over that very, very sophisticated piece of technology.

So there.

I don't understand the numbers, but my faith is in the math

Sometimes I play this game at work. It's called How Long Can You Hold It. What I do is, I drink water all day long and then see how long I can sit at my desk without peeing my pants. Admittedly, this is a stupid game because the only loser is me. And if I lose, it means I have to walk around in pee-pants all day. And yet still I play. Whatever. I have to fill my day somehow and I can only twirl my hair, stare into space, and daydream for so many hours. OK, I could do that for all the hours, so it's a good thing I can almost pee my pants while I do all of that other stuff.

Last night, I was looking through all of my CDs, because I have a million articles to write by next Tuesday and I've run out of other ways to procrastinate. I think I even finished the Internets. True story. Anyway, I found this John Mayer mix CD I made sophomore year of college. All of the songs were downloaded illegally. Most of them are live versions or cover songs or songs that never appeared on any CDs that I know of. I think I actually have this CD somewhere full of mp3s I downloaded from Napster or AudioGalaxy or whatever it was the kids were using to download illegal music 5 years ago. I miss Napster. I mostly miss downloading things like the Rainbow Brite theme song in French because, hello . . . that's awesome. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Do you really care that I found an old CD and have been listening to it all morning and wallowing in college-days nostalgia? I doubt it. I mean, I guess it's good that I've moved past listening to Coldplay and wallowing in self-pity, but wallowing is still wallowing, you know?

I don't know, either. I DO know that I wish I had waited another week to start my necessity-only spending plan. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? Too bad, I'll tell you. ONE - The Threadless $10 sale goes until Monday and TWO - Season 3 of The Office comes out next Tuesday. And even though my Decider (Heidi) told me I'm allowed to buy The Office, I talked myself out of it because Christmas isn't that far away and also we have the majority of Season 3 saved on TiVo. If Heidi deletes them I have a tiny conniption fit because I like to watch the episodes over and over until I can know them by heart and can walk around reciting all my favorite lines. Actually, maybe that's why she deletes them. Hmm.

And just to make sure I won't go out and buy Season 3 of The Office in a moment of weakness, I went ahead and asked for it for Christmas. Yes, I sent my mom a Christmas list. Heidi made fun of me and said only 6-year-olds make Christmas lists but WHATEVER my mom ASKED for it because she likes to start Christmas shopping in January or something when everyone KNOWS you're supposed to wait until at least December 20th to buy any presents. Anyway, my Christmas list looked like this:

Season 3 of The Office
gift certificate to Threadless
gift certificate to Half-Price Books or CD Connection

and that is all because I am simple. Also, I made sure to tell my mom that I listed everything in the order of how much I wanted it. Merry Christmas, Internets. What do you want Santa to bring you?

This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

"Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy."

"We test a lot of urine."

"Mine was green."

"Oh, right. How are you?"

"I’m all better."

-The Office (duh), "Drug Testing"

Remember that list I made yesterday? And how I said I probably wouldn't get around to much of it? Well. AS IT TURNS OUT, I got around to almost all of it. Except for cleaning the bathroom. And going to the gym, but I'm doing that later. I also got around to doing some stuff on the second list, like sleeping in and reading and watching TiVo. No thin mints, surprisingly enough. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

So far, the highlight of my day was going to get my drug test. I've never had to get a drug test before so it was a new experience. I was a little nervous, because whenever I have to pee in a cup at the doctor's office I get stage fright. Which is weird, because normally I pee constantly. Well, not CONSTANTLY, because that would be messy. But I pee A LOT. So before I left to go get my test, I drank a whole bunch of water and prayed I wouldn't pee myself before they called my name.

It turns out it's a much more intricate system than I'd been expecting. I thought she'd just hand me the cup, I'd pee in it (and probably on my hand) and give it back lalala all done. FIRST OF ALL, she inspected the form I'd brought with me (supplied by my new employer) and she asked if they'd just given it to me. "No," I replied. "I've had it for a while, hahaha." Because I have had it for a while. It only just occurred to me that the reason she gave me such a funny look when I said that is because she thinks I waited so long to get my drug test because I smoked a lot of crack or meth or ecstasy or whatever it is the kids are doing these days and needed time to flush out my system or something, but really it's just because I'm a big, giant procrastinator and it didn't occur to me that I still hadn't gotten tested until yesterday. Not that I really look like a drug addict, but sometimes you can't tell, you know? I don't even know how long drugs stay in your system. I used to work at a Vitamin World in college (shut up) and sketchy looking characters used to come in and buy this stuff that supposedly flushes out your system. I don't know. I didn't mind them. They were quiet and left the store quickly. The only customers I really minded were the secret shoppers and the geriatric cowboy who came in one night with an ice cream cone in one hand and his giant belt buckle in the other. He spent about an hour in the store hitting on me and asking if I was a christian while I begged the other customers with my eyes to please please please make him leave but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, so this drug testing lady looked like my grandma. She definitely wasn't as nice, though. She made me wash my hands and lock up my purse and told me NOT to flush the toilet or run water and she took the trashcan out of the bathroom. Also, my grandma has never made me pee into a plastic cup, at least not to my knowledge.

Still. I tried to be friendly. After all, she spends her entire day handling pee. Also? Once I'd handed over my pee (full to the brim, I'll have you know) she made me sign my form with her pen but she didn't let me wash my hands until after. I really hope she throws the pen away every time. Otherwise, I don't want to know how many pee germs are all over it. And don't you tell me pee is sterile, it's still pee.