"Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy."
"We test a lot of urine."
"Mine was green."
"Oh, right. How are you?"
"I’m all better."
-The Office (duh), "Drug Testing"
Remember that list I made yesterday? And how I said I probably wouldn't get around to much of it? Well. AS IT TURNS OUT, I got around to almost all of it. Except for cleaning the bathroom. And going to the gym, but I'm doing that later. I also got around to doing some stuff on the second list, like sleeping in and reading and watching TiVo. No thin mints, surprisingly enough. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
So far, the highlight of my day was going to get my drug test. I've never had to get a drug test before so it was a new experience. I was a little nervous, because whenever I have to pee in a cup at the doctor's office I get stage fright. Which is weird, because normally I pee constantly. Well, not CONSTANTLY, because that would be messy. But I pee A LOT. So before I left to go get my test, I drank a whole bunch of water and prayed I wouldn't pee myself before they called my name.
It turns out it's a much more intricate system than I'd been expecting. I thought she'd just hand me the cup, I'd pee in it (and probably on my hand) and give it back lalala all done. FIRST OF ALL, she inspected the form I'd brought with me (supplied by my new employer) and she asked if they'd just given it to me. "No," I replied. "I've had it for a while, hahaha." Because I have had it for a while. It only just occurred to me that the reason she gave me such a funny look when I said that is because she thinks I waited so long to get my drug test because I smoked a lot of crack or meth or ecstasy or whatever it is the kids are doing these days and needed time to flush out my system or something, but really it's just because I'm a big, giant procrastinator and it didn't occur to me that I still hadn't gotten tested until yesterday. Not that I really look like a drug addict, but sometimes you can't tell, you know? I don't even know how long drugs stay in your system. I used to work at a Vitamin World in college (shut up) and sketchy looking characters used to come in and buy this stuff that supposedly flushes out your system. I don't know. I didn't mind them. They were quiet and left the store quickly. The only customers I really minded were the secret shoppers and the geriatric cowboy who came in one night with an ice cream cone in one hand and his giant belt buckle in the other. He spent about an hour in the store hitting on me and asking if I was a christian while I begged the other customers with my eyes to please please please make him leave but that's a story for another day.
Anyway, so this drug testing lady looked like my grandma. She definitely wasn't as nice, though. She made me wash my hands and lock up my purse and told me NOT to flush the toilet or run water and she took the trashcan out of the bathroom. Also, my grandma has never made me pee into a plastic cup, at least not to my knowledge.
Still. I tried to be friendly. After all, she spends her entire day handling pee. Also? Once I'd handed over my pee (full to the brim, I'll have you know) she made me sign my form with her pen but she didn't let me wash my hands until after. I really hope she throws the pen away every time. Otherwise, I don't want to know how many pee germs are all over it. And don't you tell me pee is sterile, it's still pee.
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