But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan.

If you guys think I blabber a lot of nonsense on my blog, you should just be glad you don't live with me. I tell the Internets a lot of crazy, but Heidi has to listen to it ALL THE TIME. She knows the grossest thing I have ever done. That is not a link to the grossest thing I have ever done because I am NEVER WRITING ABOUT THAT (on here anyway) but it is a link to when I told Heidi the grossest thing I've ever done and she didn't blink an eye. She also has to hear about me worry about the fate of NOT ONLY Harry Potter, but Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood and LUPIN AND TONKS and she has NO IDEA who any of these people are.

If you lived with me, Internets, you would have had to listen to me ramble on and on about the following:

• Last night, I watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend and when Heidi came home from working late, she had to listen to me bitch about how you just KNOW that movie was written by a man because Uma Thurman goes crazy on Luke Wilson for NO REASON other than he breaks up with her, because women are nutso and become unhinged even when the guy is completely nice about it and ALSO how the misogynistic subtext made me want to hurl because Eddie Izzard was trying to strip Uma of all her superpowers and really I thought the entire movie was just an excuse to have two hot women have a superpower catfight over some schlub like Luke Wilson. And I LIKE Luke Wilson but COME ON.
• One of our employees has a child named Destiny, and I told Heidi it's going to be awesome when Destiny has a kid so someone can be all, "Who is that kid? Oh, that's Destiny's child."
• One night I was talking about how I would rather gouge out my eyes than do something (go to the gym?) and went on to explain that I would do so by taking a spoon and inserting it into my eye socket and then POP goes my eyeball.
• I told you guys about how I think Hey There Delilah is stalking me, but Heidi is the one who has to hear me rant about it every time I hear the song on the radio.
• I got something from my OB/GYN the other day saying I have to fill out my health history online before my appointment. I thought about doing it at work but then I realized that the IT department has access to everything we do on our computers and I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with any of them knowing that much about my lady parts.
• Last night at the gym, the movie in the Cardio Cinema was Forrest Gump which . . . awesome, I love that movie. And it took me a long time to love that movie because my name is Jennie and I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard "me and Jenny was like peas and carrots," because I would be RICH. Anyway, when we got home I made a point to tell Heidi I really like movies about mentally handicapped people. Rainman, Forrest Gump, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape are all in my top 10 favorite movies. OK, maybe top 20. Whatever.

See, aren't you glad you don't have to listen to any of that? I mean, you can stop reading it at any time, but until Heidi tears her ears off, she's stuck with it. And unlike eyeballs, I don't know of a quick and efficient way to remove ears.

now what?

So Harry Potter Day has come and gone. I got my copy on Saturday and finished it this morning around 12:30 because I was DETERMINED to finish it before work today, because I don't trust people not to ruin things for me. Moment-ruiners. So it's over. You may think I seem remarkably calm about it, but really in my head I'm all, "OH NOOOOOOOO WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOOOOOW HARRY POTTER IS OOOOOVEEERRRRR," and clutching my hair and clawing at my face. It's very dramatic. I wish you could see it.

Alright, I'm exaggerating. What, like you're surprised? But I am very sad that it's all over, even though I'm happy with how it ended. You know how I take TV shows too seriously? Well, I'm worse with books. Sometimes they make me cry so hard I want to put them in the freezer. Sometimes they're so good that as soon as I'm finished, I want to read it all over again. I want to be buried with a copies of Pride & Prejudice and The Catcher in the Rye. Ha! I'm totally kidding. I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated.

Why am I talking about my funeral? Anyway, there was a tiny snag in obtaining my copy of The Deathly Hallows. I waited all morning for the UPS man to bring it to me. ALL MORNING. When it still hadn't come by noon thirty, I briefly considered driving to Books & Co. to get a copy. I even called them to see if they still had some. I talked myself out of it because, um, that would have been crazy. Finally, I decided that I couldn't justify hanging around the apartment all day and so Heidi and I went to the pool. I checked our mail before we left and LO AND BEHOLD there was a card from the postman! Saying he was sorry he missed me! But that he'd left a package in the office! That's when I remembered that when I ordered my book, I had it sent through the postal service and not UPS. Oops. Hey, I never claimed to be smart. I ran back up to our apartment, clasping the card in my hand, and jumped around shouting, "it's here, it's here, it's in the office, my book is here, my book is here" while Heidi backed away slowly from the crazy, crazy lady.

We left for the pool but as we approached the office, we saw the leasing lady driving away in a golf cart with some other people, presumably to show them an apartment. I sensed a slight hiccup in my plan, but hoped there were maybe two leasing consultants working in the office that day.

ALAS! No one was in the office when we entered. I was so close to my book. It was RIGHT THERE but no one was there to get it for me. Then I remembered. I knew they kept the packages in an unlocked closet behind an unlocked door in an unlocked room. Unlocked! I weighed my options. I could go to the pool and wait for the lady to come back from showing apartments, but that would take tens of minutes. Tens! Of! Minutes! I didn't have time to waste! I had over 700 pages to read this weekend and those tens of minutes were important!

The obvious answer was staring me in the face. I knew where my book was. Heidi would be the only witness to my crime. I wouldn't even need to use any trickery to break into the closet because it was unlocked. What would YOU have done in that situation? I'm guessing you'd do what I did, which was throw open the closet door, grab the book, and then run out to the dumpster to throw away all evidence that the book had ever arrived by mail. I mean, if Harry Potter taught me anything, it's that it's OK to bend the rules once in a while. I think even Hermione would approve.

girl inform me, all my senses warn me

You guys, I am having the lamest Friday night ever. For serious. I came home, put my gym clothes on so I can't talk myself out of going later, and wrote an article. I don't know why I was putting it off. It was How to Plan a Yankee Swap and I'm totally an expert at it because I have seen that episode of The Office approximately FIFTY TIMES NO JOKE YOU GUYS I AM NOT KIDDING! I'm sorry. I'm just a little excited right now, what with the writing about The Office and Harry Potter tomorrow. The reason I am staying in tonight and writing articles is so I can stick my face in Harry Potter for the rest of the weekend, guilt-free. That sounded bad. I apologize.

So you may be asking yourself, "Self? Why is Jennie writing in her blog when she should be writing articles?" Well, I think you should tell yourself to shut the hell up and mind your own business. Writing in here loosens up my writing muscles so I can write stuff like How to Shred a Coconut. You have to properly warm up before that kind of thing. No joke, you guys. No. Joke.

I'm cat-sitting again for my aunt and uncle's cat, Bo. He's being a little bitch right now. Must be something about the name (haha BEAU). Just kidding. He's not being a little bitch, really, he's just lonely and confused. But he keeps tormenting Murray (formerly Phoebe) and I don't think Murray likes spending all her time under the bed. I know the reason they fight all the time is because they secretly love each other and will get together in the last scene of the movie. I wonder when the last scene of the movie is? I'd like to be prepared, so I can be ready to have my own romantic-comedy-cheesy-love-kiss in the middle of a crowded street (where it's snowing and I'm not wearing any pants and also Colin Firth is there . . . awesome). You know what I mean? I need to make sure I'm not wearing granny panties.

Wow, that got weird really fast. I don't know how that always happens. Anyway, when my aunt and cousins brought Bo over, the first thing I noticed was that Joey has grown approximately 10 feet since I last saw him. Which is . . . just . . . fantastic. I can't wait for all of my little cousins, the ones I used to babysit and who I like to torment by telling them I used to change their diapers, are all towering over me. Whatever. I've grown accustomed to my height, or lack thereof. I like climbing on counters. And I'm still taller than Katie! Ha! Also, Sammy! Double ha!

I like when Bo comes over, because he lets me pick him up. Murray doesn't let me pick her up. I used to get mad about it, but now it doesn't bother me, because I realized it must be very disconcerting to have someone just pluck you off the ground and cradle you like a little baby. I mean, how would YOU feel if a giant came along and picked you up and took you home and made you his pet? You'd probably be pretty mad, right? And you'd try to claw his eyes out? Well, then don't get mad when that's exactly what Murray does to you.

Again, that got weird really quickly. Since Joey had never been to my apartment, I gave him the thirteen second tour (because that's how long it takes to walk around our apartment). We were all standing in my room, when Katie looked at my computer and said, "Wow, Jennie, I'm glad to see you're spending your time on the Internet wisely," JUST BECAUSE I happened to be reading this (courtesy of Kat) when they came over. Pshaw. Teenagers are so judgemental.

the lotion and the powder have made a PASTE

Heidi, you may not want to read this because I am totally about to NERD OUT about Harry Potter. You have been warned.

So, there's this book coming out tomorrow. Maybe you've heard of it. It's about a brave boy wizard and his magical friends. They do magic and stuff. And fight bad guys. And two of them better make out, is all I'm saying. They go lots of places, too. Like a magical school. And this place with flying brains. And chambers with secrets in them. And this weird forest (you might even call it . . . FORBIDDEN) that you're not supposed to go into if you're a child but sometimes they do anyway because that's how they roll. Places like that. They've never gone to Planet Unicorn, but they totally should. Anyway, so this book is coming out. It's KIND OF a big deal. People keep telling me there are spoilers all over The Internets and even in the NEW YORK TIMES but luckily I get all of my news from The Daily Show so I am as of yet unspoiled. I swear to the little baby Jesus, if anyone spoils the last book for me, I will kick them so hard in the babymaker that all of their already-born babies will feel it. And if they haven't had any kids yet, then their babies in the future will be all, "ow, who kicked me?" but unless they have a time machine or wait for me to catch up to their time, they will never be able to kick me back. I think. That was sort of confusing.

I thought about maybe just locking myself in my room for the entire weekend (or LONGER). However long it takes me to finish the book, anyway. Then I remembered that I have The Internets in my room, so I could still be spoiled. So I don't know. If I haven't finished the book by the time work starts on Monday, do you think I could call in sick? I'm a fast reader, quick like a bunny, but what if someone at work got the book a couple of hours before me? And what if they're already done and they're all "ooh, what did you think of so-and-so dying?" and I'll be like "SO-AND-SO DIED?! WHY DID YOU TELL ME THAT, YOU FUCKER?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SAY HI TO SO-AND-SO BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO STRAIGHT UP AXE MURDER YOU!" and then I will get fired for calling my coworker a fucker. And also threatening to axe murder them. So you see my dilemma.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have such problems, right? Anyway, don't be offended if you try to talk to me and I stick my fingers in my ears and start shouting, "I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU LA LA LA LA," just please don't throw a chicken in my face because I might poop my pants and my new years resolution was to stop doing that.