the lotion and the powder have made a PASTE

Heidi, you may not want to read this because I am totally about to NERD OUT about Harry Potter. You have been warned.

So, there's this book coming out tomorrow. Maybe you've heard of it. It's about a brave boy wizard and his magical friends. They do magic and stuff. And fight bad guys. And two of them better make out, is all I'm saying. They go lots of places, too. Like a magical school. And this place with flying brains. And chambers with secrets in them. And this weird forest (you might even call it . . . FORBIDDEN) that you're not supposed to go into if you're a child but sometimes they do anyway because that's how they roll. Places like that. They've never gone to Planet Unicorn, but they totally should. Anyway, so this book is coming out. It's KIND OF a big deal. People keep telling me there are spoilers all over The Internets and even in the NEW YORK TIMES but luckily I get all of my news from The Daily Show so I am as of yet unspoiled. I swear to the little baby Jesus, if anyone spoils the last book for me, I will kick them so hard in the babymaker that all of their already-born babies will feel it. And if they haven't had any kids yet, then their babies in the future will be all, "ow, who kicked me?" but unless they have a time machine or wait for me to catch up to their time, they will never be able to kick me back. I think. That was sort of confusing.

I thought about maybe just locking myself in my room for the entire weekend (or LONGER). However long it takes me to finish the book, anyway. Then I remembered that I have The Internets in my room, so I could still be spoiled. So I don't know. If I haven't finished the book by the time work starts on Monday, do you think I could call in sick? I'm a fast reader, quick like a bunny, but what if someone at work got the book a couple of hours before me? And what if they're already done and they're all "ooh, what did you think of so-and-so dying?" and I'll be like "SO-AND-SO DIED?! WHY DID YOU TELL ME THAT, YOU FUCKER?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SAY HI TO SO-AND-SO BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO STRAIGHT UP AXE MURDER YOU!" and then I will get fired for calling my coworker a fucker. And also threatening to axe murder them. So you see my dilemma.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have such problems, right? Anyway, don't be offended if you try to talk to me and I stick my fingers in my ears and start shouting, "I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU LA LA LA LA," just please don't throw a chicken in my face because I might poop my pants and my new years resolution was to stop doing that.