But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan.

If you guys think I blabber a lot of nonsense on my blog, you should just be glad you don't live with me. I tell the Internets a lot of crazy, but Heidi has to listen to it ALL THE TIME. She knows the grossest thing I have ever done. That is not a link to the grossest thing I have ever done because I am NEVER WRITING ABOUT THAT (on here anyway) but it is a link to when I told Heidi the grossest thing I've ever done and she didn't blink an eye. She also has to hear about me worry about the fate of NOT ONLY Harry Potter, but Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood and LUPIN AND TONKS and she has NO IDEA who any of these people are.

If you lived with me, Internets, you would have had to listen to me ramble on and on about the following:

• Last night, I watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend and when Heidi came home from working late, she had to listen to me bitch about how you just KNOW that movie was written by a man because Uma Thurman goes crazy on Luke Wilson for NO REASON other than he breaks up with her, because women are nutso and become unhinged even when the guy is completely nice about it and ALSO how the misogynistic subtext made me want to hurl because Eddie Izzard was trying to strip Uma of all her superpowers and really I thought the entire movie was just an excuse to have two hot women have a superpower catfight over some schlub like Luke Wilson. And I LIKE Luke Wilson but COME ON.
• One of our employees has a child named Destiny, and I told Heidi it's going to be awesome when Destiny has a kid so someone can be all, "Who is that kid? Oh, that's Destiny's child."
• One night I was talking about how I would rather gouge out my eyes than do something (go to the gym?) and went on to explain that I would do so by taking a spoon and inserting it into my eye socket and then POP goes my eyeball.
• I told you guys about how I think Hey There Delilah is stalking me, but Heidi is the one who has to hear me rant about it every time I hear the song on the radio.
• I got something from my OB/GYN the other day saying I have to fill out my health history online before my appointment. I thought about doing it at work but then I realized that the IT department has access to everything we do on our computers and I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with any of them knowing that much about my lady parts.
• Last night at the gym, the movie in the Cardio Cinema was Forrest Gump which . . . awesome, I love that movie. And it took me a long time to love that movie because my name is Jennie and I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard "me and Jenny was like peas and carrots," because I would be RICH. Anyway, when we got home I made a point to tell Heidi I really like movies about mentally handicapped people. Rainman, Forrest Gump, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape are all in my top 10 favorite movies. OK, maybe top 20. Whatever.

See, aren't you glad you don't have to listen to any of that? I mean, you can stop reading it at any time, but until Heidi tears her ears off, she's stuck with it. And unlike eyeballs, I don't know of a quick and efficient way to remove ears.