I just saw the funniest preview for a Lifetime movie. It's called Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant. It's about a lady who was raped by her dentist, I guess? When she's all hopped up on laughing gas or something? Well. Probably not laughing gas. You know what I mean. And it's not enough that she gets raped by her dentist, but she also gets KNOCKED UP. Unfair. I think I'd be more upset about being pregnant than the rape thing. WOW, OK, I realize that's not particularly funny AT ALL, in fact, it's downright inappropriate for me to be cackling like a drunk clown (omg wtf?) but if you'd seen the preview you'd know why it was funny. I guess this is what you get for being wherever you are instead of in my apartment.
You may be asking yourself, "why is Jennie watching Lifetime?" Well, the answer is because, for some reason, Lifetime Movie Network is showing Conspiracy Theory right now.
You may be asking yourself, "why is Jennie watching a mediocre Mel Gibson movie on a Friday night?" Well, the answer is because, for some reason, I have to go into work tomorrow. And possibly Sunday, which may RUIN my plans to go to Lampl's Saturday night and drink and play Rock Band and if that happens, something is getting set on fire, that's for sure.
You may be asking yourself, "I wonder what Jennie is going to set on fire?" Well, the answer is . . . hey . . . I can't tell you. You wanna know why? Because you might go to the cops. Narc.
Showing posts with label worst employee ever. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worst employee ever. Show all posts
Friday, February 01, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
it's Friday, I'm in love*
There are times when it's a bit inconvenient to have a roommate, like when I want to perform ritual goat sacrifice or entertain gentlemen callers or BOTH at the same time (don't you judge me).
The best part about having a roommate is that you have someone to laugh with ALL THE TIME. Provided, of course, you don't live with a giant bitch who throws tantrums about empty ice cube trays and, thankfully, I don't. Anymore. But that's a story for another day. Or maybe several days. Or maybe never, because I've tried to banish those memories from my brain FOREVER.
I'm not sure how common this is in most apartments, but in ours? There are two pirate hooks sitting on the end table next to the sofa. Last night, during Ugly Betty, I picked one up and decided to wear it for the rest of the show. Because even when my attention is focused on TV, I need something else to distract me, like a book. Or a monkey. Or a pirate hook, duh. Aaaaaaanyway, Conversations With My Roommate:
Me: I'm going to wear this pirate hook to work tomorrow.
Heidi: You should. You could tell everyone you had an accident.
Me: Hahahaha.
Heidi: Just be like, I cut my hand off and this was all they could give me at the hospital.
Me: Hahahahaha!
Heidi: The best part is, they'd still be able to see your hand under the hook.
Me: Oh my god. They'd be like, "Jennie . . . just . . . go home."
Heidi: Heh, and you'd be trying to type with your good right hand and your left hook and they'd be all, "um . . . wtf?"
Me: Seriously, though, what a great way to get to go home early! "You are clearly drunk or high, GET OUT OF HERE."
Heidi: HAHAHAHAHA.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA.
And then I passed out from laughing so hard. True story. And then?
Me: Did you just toot?
Heidi: Heh. Yes.
Me: Jesus.
Heidi: . . . my farts smell like bologna.
And then I really DID laugh so hard I passed out a little. We had to pause TiVo because we were laughing so loud we couldn't hear Ugly Betty. You can't miss any of Ugly Betty, because what if you miss something funny that Marc says? You'd be DOOMED! DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
*with Friday
____
Today on The Collective: Are you an asshole? It's OK. Tell us why.
The best part about having a roommate is that you have someone to laugh with ALL THE TIME. Provided, of course, you don't live with a giant bitch who throws tantrums about empty ice cube trays and, thankfully, I don't. Anymore. But that's a story for another day. Or maybe several days. Or maybe never, because I've tried to banish those memories from my brain FOREVER.
I'm not sure how common this is in most apartments, but in ours? There are two pirate hooks sitting on the end table next to the sofa. Last night, during Ugly Betty, I picked one up and decided to wear it for the rest of the show. Because even when my attention is focused on TV, I need something else to distract me, like a book. Or a monkey. Or a pirate hook, duh. Aaaaaaanyway, Conversations With My Roommate:
Me: I'm going to wear this pirate hook to work tomorrow.
Heidi: You should. You could tell everyone you had an accident.
Me: Hahahaha.
Heidi: Just be like, I cut my hand off and this was all they could give me at the hospital.
Me: Hahahahaha!
Heidi: The best part is, they'd still be able to see your hand under the hook.
Me: Oh my god. They'd be like, "Jennie . . . just . . . go home."
Heidi: Heh, and you'd be trying to type with your good right hand and your left hook and they'd be all, "um . . . wtf?"
Me: Seriously, though, what a great way to get to go home early! "You are clearly drunk or high, GET OUT OF HERE."
Heidi: HAHAHAHAHA.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA.
And then I passed out from laughing so hard. True story. And then?
Me: Did you just toot?
Heidi: Heh. Yes.
Me: Jesus.
Heidi: . . . my farts smell like bologna.
And then I really DID laugh so hard I passed out a little. We had to pause TiVo because we were laughing so loud we couldn't hear Ugly Betty. You can't miss any of Ugly Betty, because what if you miss something funny that Marc says? You'd be DOOMED! DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
*with Friday
____
Today on The Collective: Are you an asshole? It's OK. Tell us why.
Friday, July 13, 2007
who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear
I was sitting in a meeting a couple of days ago and I wondered what everyone would do if I just shouted, "SHIT!" Or if I started rubbing my face and screaming like I was on fire. Or if I fell out of my chair and pretended to go to sleep on the floor. Or if I jumped on the conference table and began a rendition of "Proud Mary." And as I started thinking about these possibilities, the urge to giggle became stronger. Then I started wondering what my coworkers would think if I just started laughing for no reason.
These thoughts have been popping into my head more and more. I'll walk by my boss's closed door and think about knocking and running away. Or kicking it down, just to see if I could. It's not just at work that I have these thoughts. I think a lot about what might happen if I do or say a certain thing. Of course, normally I don't do or say any of these certain things, but every now and again, like when I wondered if Heidi and I could change Phoebe's name to "Murray," the thoughts become reality.
It's Day 3 of Operation Change Phoebe's Name to Murray and I'm pretty sure she still has no idea. I'm not sure she ever knew her name was Phoebe, to be honest.
These thoughts have been popping into my head more and more. I'll walk by my boss's closed door and think about knocking and running away. Or kicking it down, just to see if I could. It's not just at work that I have these thoughts. I think a lot about what might happen if I do or say a certain thing. Of course, normally I don't do or say any of these certain things, but every now and again, like when I wondered if Heidi and I could change Phoebe's name to "Murray," the thoughts become reality.
It's Day 3 of Operation Change Phoebe's Name to Murray and I'm pretty sure she still has no idea. I'm not sure she ever knew her name was Phoebe, to be honest.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.
Last night, as I do every Wednesday (except for that one time when I was super tired and didn't care and just went to bed and let TiVo cover things for me), I got in bed and turned on ABC. Because it was time for Lost, bitches. Although I am not the rabid fan I once was, I never miss an episode. And since Heidi doesn't watch it, I am forced to make "clever" comments to myself. Usually in my head, though, I don't want Heidi to hear me talking to myself because then she might move out.
So, last night I'm watching it and giggling to myself because Ben was walking around with a cane telling Locke he had to get rid of his father and being all cryptic and know-it-all-y and I was like, "calm down, Yoda." Seriously, I expected him to be all, "Kill your father, you will! This knife, you will use! Pick that up for me, can you? Had back surgery, I did. Help a brother out, you should!" But then I started thinking, "Oh, Jennie, you have just seen Star Wars one too many times. Possibly more than one too many times. Probably more like twenty too many times." I've watched Star Wars a lot, is what I'm saying.
BUT THEN! Then! Later in the episode! Sawyer totally killed Locke's father BY STRANGLING HIM WITH A CHAIN! I don't know what's funnier, the fact that Locke's father got killed just like Jabba the Hut or that Sawyer used the same killing method as Princess freaking Leia. And Jabba the Hut was way bigger than Locke's father. I'm just saying.
You remember how Heidi and I both had the stomach flu last month? Well, we had the stomach flu last month. It was awesome. I had a great time. Anyway, we kind of fell off the wagon after that, food-wise. For a while, we couldn't go to the gym because we were throwing up everywhere and I think they frown upon that. Then we felt better and started eating normal food again and still weren't going to the gym. That was pretty much all of April. So this week we started going again. My entire body hurts. Well, not my ENTIRE body. But most of it. Also, this whole eating well thing is a bunch of crap. What I really want to do is go to Chipotle and get a big, fat burrito but instead I am sitting here at my desk trying to eat my sandwich and pretzels as slowly as possible. That's a lie, they're both gone already. OH! And Heidi bought these 100 calorie packs that are like Hostess cupcakes. I am not lying to you when I say they are SO GOOD that if I had to kill a puppy to get to them? Well, I still couldn't kill a puppy but I'd at least consider it. The Faux-stess cupcakes taste just like the real thing. I have some in my desk drawer right now and it is taking all of my willpower (and there's not much) not to rip open the package and shove them all in my mouth right now. I'm saving them for later when I get hungry. This happens around 3 and is usually when I get up from my desk and wander around the building on my way to the vending machine. I'm so glad Heidi bought these because they are way healthier than what I might get out of the vending machine. Speaking of Heidi -- CONVERSATIONS WITH MY ROOMMATE: Work E-mail Edition . . .
From: Me
To: Heidi
I don't know why, but it's been harder to get out of bed every day this week. But at least it's Thursday which is almost Friday which is almost the weekend (which is almost midtwenties, oh SNAP)
From: Heidi
To: Me
Hahaha, seriously and it's football night . . . I think The Office is supersized tonight . . . or is it the hour show?
From: Me
To: Heidi
I think it is supersized tonight. And the finale is an hour but I think that's a couple weeks away. Ooooh snap. I don't feel like working today at all.
From: Heidi
To: Me
ME NEITHER! Let's just skip.
From: Me
To: Heidi
Yeah, I'll just be like "I'm going to the restroom, be back soon!" and then sneak out. Or just leave for lunch right now and never come back.
So sneaky.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I know! So, Aunt Flo decided to meet me at work this morning, so I guess I'll be going to Walgreen's on my lunch break to grab some stuff! Yay!
From: Me
To: Heidi
Hahaha, you know what's funny? It has been 13 years since Aunt Flo started visiting and I'm still never prepared for her. I'm not a very good host, I guess.
You wanna know what else? It'd be funny if our IT departments read some of our emails. Hee.
From: Heidi
To: Me
Haha, I know . . . I'm a lousy guest. Speaking of hosting people . . . do your parents have an air mattress? I was thinking that we'll probably have Kelly and Steve staying with us and Steve could sleep on either instead of the floor . . . also my friend Besty and her BF might stay . . . they probably won't, but just in case . . . or do you think the floor is fine?
From: Me
To: Heidi
Hmm, I think the floor will have to do because I'm pretty sure my parents don't have an air mattress. That's why they bought that futon.
Oh well. Hopefully everyone will be drunk and won't care. Or maybe Steve and Kelly could share the sofa. Ooh la la!
From: Heidi
To: Me
Ooh la la! Heidi and Bax's House. Of. Love!
From: Me
To: Heidi
You scoff, but it might be a good way to make some extra cash.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I'm all for that.
From: Me
To: Heidi
You know what I was seriously thinking? We could put a note in our apartment complex newsletter and open a babysitting service or something. Make loads of money and we'd totally be just like The Baby-sitter's Club. Can I be Claudia?
From: Heidi
To: Me
Yeah, I guess, if I can be Mallory!
From: Me
To: Heidi
WHAT?! Why would you want to be Mallory?! She had frizzy red hair and glasses! And was two years younger than the rest of them! She was the worst one! At least be Mary Anne . . . she was shy and mousy but at least she had a boyfriend. And Dawn had a secret passageway in her house!
Mallory?! Seriously?
From: Heidi
To: Me
Get off my case, dork . . . that was the only name I could remember.
From: Me
To: Heidi
Sorry. I feel very strongly about The Baby-sitter's Club.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I guess . . . sheesh . . . I took cover under my desk.
THE END.
OH MY GOD. This is the longest post ever. If you made it all the way through, I commend you. Unless you make fun of me about The Babysitter's Club. Or Star Wars, for that matter. If you do that, I will kick you in the babymaker.
So, last night I'm watching it and giggling to myself because Ben was walking around with a cane telling Locke he had to get rid of his father and being all cryptic and know-it-all-y and I was like, "calm down, Yoda." Seriously, I expected him to be all, "Kill your father, you will! This knife, you will use! Pick that up for me, can you? Had back surgery, I did. Help a brother out, you should!" But then I started thinking, "Oh, Jennie, you have just seen Star Wars one too many times. Possibly more than one too many times. Probably more like twenty too many times." I've watched Star Wars a lot, is what I'm saying.
BUT THEN! Then! Later in the episode! Sawyer totally killed Locke's father BY STRANGLING HIM WITH A CHAIN! I don't know what's funnier, the fact that Locke's father got killed just like Jabba the Hut or that Sawyer used the same killing method as Princess freaking Leia. And Jabba the Hut was way bigger than Locke's father. I'm just saying.
You remember how Heidi and I both had the stomach flu last month? Well, we had the stomach flu last month. It was awesome. I had a great time. Anyway, we kind of fell off the wagon after that, food-wise. For a while, we couldn't go to the gym because we were throwing up everywhere and I think they frown upon that. Then we felt better and started eating normal food again and still weren't going to the gym. That was pretty much all of April. So this week we started going again. My entire body hurts. Well, not my ENTIRE body. But most of it. Also, this whole eating well thing is a bunch of crap. What I really want to do is go to Chipotle and get a big, fat burrito but instead I am sitting here at my desk trying to eat my sandwich and pretzels as slowly as possible. That's a lie, they're both gone already. OH! And Heidi bought these 100 calorie packs that are like Hostess cupcakes. I am not lying to you when I say they are SO GOOD that if I had to kill a puppy to get to them? Well, I still couldn't kill a puppy but I'd at least consider it. The Faux-stess cupcakes taste just like the real thing. I have some in my desk drawer right now and it is taking all of my willpower (and there's not much) not to rip open the package and shove them all in my mouth right now. I'm saving them for later when I get hungry. This happens around 3 and is usually when I get up from my desk and wander around the building on my way to the vending machine. I'm so glad Heidi bought these because they are way healthier than what I might get out of the vending machine. Speaking of Heidi -- CONVERSATIONS WITH MY ROOMMATE: Work E-mail Edition . . .
From: Me
To: Heidi
I don't know why, but it's been harder to get out of bed every day this week. But at least it's Thursday which is almost Friday which is almost the weekend (which is almost midtwenties, oh SNAP)
From: Heidi
To: Me
Hahaha, seriously and it's football night . . . I think The Office is supersized tonight . . . or is it the hour show?
From: Me
To: Heidi
I think it is supersized tonight. And the finale is an hour but I think that's a couple weeks away. Ooooh snap. I don't feel like working today at all.
From: Heidi
To: Me
ME NEITHER! Let's just skip.
From: Me
To: Heidi
Yeah, I'll just be like "I'm going to the restroom, be back soon!" and then sneak out. Or just leave for lunch right now and never come back.
So sneaky.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I know! So, Aunt Flo decided to meet me at work this morning, so I guess I'll be going to Walgreen's on my lunch break to grab some stuff! Yay!
From: Me
To: Heidi
Hahaha, you know what's funny? It has been 13 years since Aunt Flo started visiting and I'm still never prepared for her. I'm not a very good host, I guess.
You wanna know what else? It'd be funny if our IT departments read some of our emails. Hee.
From: Heidi
To: Me
Haha, I know . . . I'm a lousy guest. Speaking of hosting people . . . do your parents have an air mattress? I was thinking that we'll probably have Kelly and Steve staying with us and Steve could sleep on either instead of the floor . . . also my friend Besty and her BF might stay . . . they probably won't, but just in case . . . or do you think the floor is fine?
From: Me
To: Heidi
Hmm, I think the floor will have to do because I'm pretty sure my parents don't have an air mattress. That's why they bought that futon.
Oh well. Hopefully everyone will be drunk and won't care. Or maybe Steve and Kelly could share the sofa. Ooh la la!
From: Heidi
To: Me
Ooh la la! Heidi and Bax's House. Of. Love!
From: Me
To: Heidi
You scoff, but it might be a good way to make some extra cash.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I'm all for that.
From: Me
To: Heidi
You know what I was seriously thinking? We could put a note in our apartment complex newsletter and open a babysitting service or something. Make loads of money and we'd totally be just like The Baby-sitter's Club. Can I be Claudia?
From: Heidi
To: Me
Yeah, I guess, if I can be Mallory!
From: Me
To: Heidi
WHAT?! Why would you want to be Mallory?! She had frizzy red hair and glasses! And was two years younger than the rest of them! She was the worst one! At least be Mary Anne . . . she was shy and mousy but at least she had a boyfriend. And Dawn had a secret passageway in her house!
Mallory?! Seriously?
From: Heidi
To: Me
Get off my case, dork . . . that was the only name I could remember.
From: Me
To: Heidi
Sorry. I feel very strongly about The Baby-sitter's Club.
From: Heidi
To: Me
I guess . . . sheesh . . . I took cover under my desk.
THE END.
OH MY GOD. This is the longest post ever. If you made it all the way through, I commend you. Unless you make fun of me about The Babysitter's Club. Or Star Wars, for that matter. If you do that, I will kick you in the babymaker.
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