Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.

Last night, as I do every Wednesday (except for that one time when I was super tired and didn't care and just went to bed and let TiVo cover things for me), I got in bed and turned on ABC. Because it was time for Lost, bitches. Although I am not the rabid fan I once was, I never miss an episode. And since Heidi doesn't watch it, I am forced to make "clever" comments to myself. Usually in my head, though, I don't want Heidi to hear me talking to myself because then she might move out.

So, last night I'm watching it and giggling to myself because Ben was walking around with a cane telling Locke he had to get rid of his father and being all cryptic and know-it-all-y and I was like, "calm down, Yoda." Seriously, I expected him to be all, "Kill your father, you will! This knife, you will use! Pick that up for me, can you? Had back surgery, I did. Help a brother out, you should!" But then I started thinking, "Oh, Jennie, you have just seen Star Wars one too many times. Possibly more than one too many times. Probably more like twenty too many times." I've watched Star Wars a lot, is what I'm saying.

BUT THEN! Then! Later in the episode! Sawyer totally killed Locke's father BY STRANGLING HIM WITH A CHAIN! I don't know what's funnier, the fact that Locke's father got killed just like Jabba the Hut or that Sawyer used the same killing method as Princess freaking Leia. And Jabba the Hut was way bigger than Locke's father. I'm just saying.

You remember how Heidi and I both had the stomach flu last month? Well, we had the stomach flu last month. It was awesome. I had a great time. Anyway, we kind of fell off the wagon after that, food-wise. For a while, we couldn't go to the gym because we were throwing up everywhere and I think they frown upon that. Then we felt better and started eating normal food again and still weren't going to the gym. That was pretty much all of April. So this week we started going again. My entire body hurts. Well, not my ENTIRE body. But most of it. Also, this whole eating well thing is a bunch of crap. What I really want to do is go to Chipotle and get a big, fat burrito but instead I am sitting here at my desk trying to eat my sandwich and pretzels as slowly as possible. That's a lie, they're both gone already. OH! And Heidi bought these 100 calorie packs that are like Hostess cupcakes. I am not lying to you when I say they are SO GOOD that if I had to kill a puppy to get to them? Well, I still couldn't kill a puppy but I'd at least consider it. The Faux-stess cupcakes taste just like the real thing. I have some in my desk drawer right now and it is taking all of my willpower (and there's not much) not to rip open the package and shove them all in my mouth right now. I'm saving them for later when I get hungry. This happens around 3 and is usually when I get up from my desk and wander around the building on my way to the vending machine. I'm so glad Heidi bought these because they are way healthier than what I might get out of the vending machine. Speaking of Heidi -- CONVERSATIONS WITH MY ROOMMATE: Work E-mail Edition . . .

From: Me
To: Heidi

I don't know why, but it's been harder to get out of bed every day this week. But at least it's Thursday which is almost Friday which is almost the weekend (which is almost midtwenties, oh SNAP)

From: Heidi
To: Me

Hahaha, seriously and it's football night . . . I think The Office is supersized tonight . . . or is it the hour show?

From: Me
To: Heidi

I think it is supersized tonight. And the finale is an hour but I think that's a couple weeks away. Ooooh snap. I don't feel like working today at all.

From: Heidi
To: Me

ME NEITHER! Let's just skip.

From: Me
To: Heidi

Yeah, I'll just be like "I'm going to the restroom, be back soon!" and then sneak out. Or just leave for lunch right now and never come back.

So sneaky.

From: Heidi
To: Me

I know! So, Aunt Flo decided to meet me at work this morning, so I guess I'll be going to Walgreen's on my lunch break to grab some stuff! Yay!

From: Me
To: Heidi

Hahaha, you know what's funny? It has been 13 years since Aunt Flo started visiting and I'm still never prepared for her. I'm not a very good host, I guess.

You wanna know what else? It'd be funny if our IT departments read some of our emails. Hee.

From: Heidi
To: Me

Haha, I know . . . I'm a lousy guest. Speaking of hosting people . . . do your parents have an air mattress? I was thinking that we'll probably have Kelly and Steve staying with us and Steve could sleep on either instead of the floor . . . also my friend Besty and her BF might stay . . . they probably won't, but just in case . . . or do you think the floor is fine?

From: Me
To: Heidi

Hmm, I think the floor will have to do because I'm pretty sure my parents don't have an air mattress. That's why they bought that futon.

Oh well. Hopefully everyone will be drunk and won't care. Or maybe Steve and Kelly could share the sofa. Ooh la la!

From: Heidi
To: Me

Ooh la la! Heidi and Bax's House. Of. Love!

From: Me
To: Heidi

You scoff, but it might be a good way to make some extra cash.

From: Heidi
To: Me

I'm all for that.

From: Me
To: Heidi

You know what I was seriously thinking? We could put a note in our apartment complex newsletter and open a babysitting service or something. Make loads of money and we'd totally be just like The Baby-sitter's Club. Can I be Claudia?

From: Heidi
To: Me

Yeah, I guess, if I can be Mallory!

From: Me
To: Heidi

WHAT?! Why would you want to be Mallory?! She had frizzy red hair and glasses! And was two years younger than the rest of them! She was the worst one! At least be Mary Anne . . . she was shy and mousy but at least she had a boyfriend. And Dawn had a secret passageway in her house!

Mallory?! Seriously?

From: Heidi
To: Me

Get off my case, dork . . . that was the only name I could remember.

From: Me
To: Heidi

Sorry. I feel very strongly about The Baby-sitter's Club.

From: Heidi
To: Me

I guess . . . sheesh . . . I took cover under my desk.

THE END.

OH MY GOD. This is the longest post ever. If you made it all the way through, I commend you. Unless you make fun of me about The Babysitter's Club. Or Star Wars, for that matter. If you do that, I will kick you in the babymaker.