There are times when it's a bit inconvenient to have a roommate, like when I want to perform ritual goat sacrifice or entertain gentlemen callers or BOTH at the same time (don't you judge me).
The best part about having a roommate is that you have someone to laugh with ALL THE TIME. Provided, of course, you don't live with a giant bitch who throws tantrums about empty ice cube trays and, thankfully, I don't. Anymore. But that's a story for another day. Or maybe several days. Or maybe never, because I've tried to banish those memories from my brain FOREVER.
I'm not sure how common this is in most apartments, but in ours? There are two pirate hooks sitting on the end table next to the sofa. Last night, during Ugly Betty, I picked one up and decided to wear it for the rest of the show. Because even when my attention is focused on TV, I need something else to distract me, like a book. Or a monkey. Or a pirate hook, duh. Aaaaaaanyway, Conversations With My Roommate:
Me: I'm going to wear this pirate hook to work tomorrow.
Heidi: You should. You could tell everyone you had an accident.
Heidi: Just be like, I cut my hand off and this was all they could give me at the hospital.
Heidi: The best part is, they'd still be able to see your hand under the hook.
Me: Oh my god. They'd be like, "Jennie . . . just . . . go home."
Heidi: Heh, and you'd be trying to type with your good right hand and your left hook and they'd be all, "um . . . wtf?"
Me: Seriously, though, what a great way to get to go home early! "You are clearly drunk or high, GET OUT OF HERE."
And then I passed out from laughing so hard. True story. And then?
Me: Did you just toot?
Heidi: Heh. Yes.
Heidi: . . . my farts smell like bologna.
And then I really DID laugh so hard I passed out a little. We had to pause TiVo because we were laughing so loud we couldn't hear Ugly Betty. You can't miss any of Ugly Betty, because what if you miss something funny that Marc says? You'd be DOOMED! DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
Today on The Collective: Are you an asshole? It's OK. Tell us why.