how I have never set myself on fire, I do not know

I've always considered myself a fairly intelligent person. I said fairly, so back off. I was REALLY intelligent back in high school when I could ace tests without studying and also without paying attention in class. Back then, I used most of my classes as a time to do homework for OTHER classes so my evenings would be free to read Stephen King and watch crap TV.

Maybe I missed the day they taught us to balance a checkbook*. I'm really good at writing expenses in my checkbook if I'm actually writing a check, because the checkbook is RIGHT THERE in front of me as opposed to where it usually is which is . . . I don't know because I can never find it when I need it. If I use my debit card, on the other hand, I'm not quite as good. Ok, I downright suck. Usually my statement is a big surprise, rather than a refreshing validation that I am a responsible adult. "Oh, I forgot I went to the movies and spent . . . seventeen dollars?! WTF?! It's a good thing they take credit card because I never have that kind of cash."

Sometimes I'll remember that I haven't written anything in my checkbook in a while and I try and round up all the rogue receipts in my possession. Most of the time, my wallet is full of more receipts than cash but somehow these nomadic slips of paper find their way all over my apartment. They're on the kitchen table, under my desk, stuck to the fridge with notes written on them, or, best of all, used as bookmarks in LIBRARY BOOKS. Brilliant.

For the past couple of days, I have been very careful with both my spending and my record keeping because, as I don't get paid until Friday and I'm running low on funds, I would like to avoid overdrawing my account and having to pay my bank exorbitant amounts of money. I have been driving myself nuts because the balance carefully (ha!) recorded in my checkbook does not match the amount on my online statement. Luckily, the bank is saying I have more money than I thought. But instead of doing what I'd normally do, which is rush out and spend the extra money, I've been going over and over my checkbook and statements, trying to find my mistake. Has one of my checks gone uncashed? Of course not. Maybe the bank doesn't have a record of all the money I spent at Target? Nope, all there.

Ten minutes ago, while flipping through the pages of my checkbook for the bajillionth time, the answer jumped out, waved, and punched me in the face and sweet, sweet clarity rushed over me. I had recorded two expenses twice. I didn't do it once, oh no, that might have been too easy to catch. I did it twice.

Oh, also I forgot to record spending $2.99 at Kroger. Who charges $2.99 at Kroger?

Is this a bad time to mention that in high school I used to forget to cash my paychecks until weeks, sometimes months, later? I'm not kidding. In fact, I seem to remember finding a library paycheck during the second semester of my freshman year of college, a full six months after I'd quit that job.

So. I think I need to get married so someone else can be responsible for the finances. Who's good with numbers?

*For the record, I don't think they taught us this in school. Instead, I took Calculus. Which, you know, I totally use all the time.