Last week at our office Christmas party we had a Secret Santa gift exchange. Except it wasn't really Secret Santa because we didn't choose names out of a hat (or a mug or a bowl or what-have-you) we just brought random gifts. There was a dollar maximum but anything under that was FAIR GAME. I could have brought a pair of windshield wipers and an old boot and possibly some margarita salt but I didn't bring any of those things. That doesn't matter. That isn't the point of the story.
Just kidding. I don't have a point.
Anyway, at this Christmas party, we exchanged said gifts. Only instead of Secret Santa we called it White Elephant. But because I had seen The Office that week I kept calling it Yankee Swap even though people just gave me those weird, sideways glances that silently say, "I would rather eat my own arm than ask you what you're talking about." It's OK. I'm used to it. Jim is right, though. It really should be called "Nasty Christmas," because Yankee Swap is mean. Ok. So, I was number two so I had the worst position except for one other person. That person had number one. Duh. I chose a new gift even though she had gotten this really cool light thing (it must have made quite an impression because I don't remember what it was) because I didn't want to be mean. Anyway, my gift was this obviously-from-Target-but-I-didn't-care-because-I-love-Target-see-earlier-entry coffee cup and saucer, with cookies and candy and coffee inside. And since I am addicted to coffee I almost opened the bag and started snorting it but I contained myself, in case anyone ended up stealing my gift. Although, now that I think about it, sticking my nose in the coffee might have ensured that no one would take it.
Things were going along smoothly. I was quietly holding my gift, trying to blend into the scenery so no one would take it. The next few people, too nice to steal other's treasures, chose new gifts. Then it was Esther's turn. Her name is not really Esther. I could see her eyeing my precious coffee set. She stood up, walked over, and snatched it out of my lap. NOOOOOOOOO! I was devastated, and then I realized I got to open another present. So I did. Suckers. This gift was even better. A basket of bath salts and lotion and a DVD copy of Steel Magnolias. Oh my god! If there is anything I love more than coffee it is southern belles and melodrama!
Unfortunately, I did not get to hold onto my gift because someone stole that, too. But since the present I had brought was the only one left to chose, I got to steal back the coffee set. Take that, bitches! I did not say that, but I'm surprised I didn't because I had had a lot of wine that night.
The end.
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