hmm

There's probably a good reason that there is a half-empty Miller Lite on the night table and there's probably a good reason there's a mostly-empty Miller Lite on the floor, but I can't for the life of me come up with a good reason for why there are two trashcans filled with bottles of Miller Lite and melting ice.

Wait, just kidding, where else would we have put the beer? There's no fridge in this room.

blake's got a new face

Dear Internets,

You would not believe how productive I've been today. Especially since I've only been awake for less than three hours. I mean, sure, I sat around and drank coffee for a while BUT THEN I paid bills and renewed my license plates (what a fucking rip off) and did some laundry and listened to the Vampire Weekend album THREE TIMES (thank you, Kat!).

I figured before I showered or started working on How to Knit a Bunny (siiiiigh), I'd better tell you all about how productive I've been, because if the Internets doesn't care, WHO DOES? Good question, I have no idea.

Last night, Heidi and I went to a hockey game. See:



That's what hockey looks like. And since Monday is St. Patrick's Day, they were serving green beer. Until they ran out. Jerks. At some point during the second period, Heidi and I both realized we had no knowledge about The Hockey whatsoever.

Heidi: Oh, they're taking another intermission.
Me: Zamboni!
Heidi: How many periods are there?
Me: I don't know. Three?
Heidi: Oh.
Me: That doesn't seem right, though, cause it's an uneven number.
Heidi: Is it over now?
Me: I don't know. Maybe there are four periods? But then the game will be on forever.
Heidi: Hmm.

Anyway, I have more productive things to do now, so I'd better go. That To Do list isn't going to do itself. Heh. I wish it would, though. While I was making it, I wrote stuff down that I knew I wouldn't get to today and WHAT FOR? What's the point of making a To Do list if you don't get to cross everything off IMMEDIATELY?

it's true now, because you've read it on the Internets

Contrary to popular belief, hot dogs and beer are actually very good for you.

big! buck! hunter!

Last night was a reenactment of so many college nights, full of flat beer and Kings and Irish Poker and approximately 800 games of Asshole, and so this morning we all woke up ready for greasy food, and lots of it. So we went off in search of pancakes and ended up at a small, country diner. And although none of us ended up getting pancakes, something magical did happen. For as we sat and ate our food, the clouds parted, the heavens sang, and the peasants rejoiced, because what should be gracing the corner of this fine establishment but Big Buck Hunter, begging to be played. And play we did, once we rustled up some quarters (and finished our food, of course) and although Heidi beat the crap out of me (and killed Bambi's mom three times), it was all worth it, because what better way to end a weekend than this:

Ten minutes to Wapner. We're definitely locked in this box with no TV.

Hi. I'm pretty tired today, on account of all the stuff I did last night. For example, I:

• raced a cow
• went ice skating
• rode on a shopping cart
• threw bunnies off a cliff
• played baseball with bunnies
• was in a band
• knocked half of Paris over with the power of my burp
• shot ducks, balloons, alien spaceships and Heidi's face
• played ping pong
• played pool
• went fishing
• milked a pig and milked it faster than anyone milked a cow

Oh, right, all of this was on Wii. Of course. I would never throw bunnies or milk a pig or go fishing in real life. Isn't it nice that you don't even have to leave the house anymore to do all these things? We went around the world last night with this weirdo cracked-out bunny game and I didn't even have to put on my shoes.

I've done nothing of consequence all day. Of course, I've only been up for an hour, but I've filled that hour with coffee and honey nut cheerios and Spongebob. So far, this is like the best Saturday ever. I hope everyone else's Saturday is as Spongeboby as mine.

saturday, I'm running wild, and all the lights are changing red to green

I just deleted this giant paragraph that was about how it's supposed to get up to like 50 today? And how that sounds amazing because the cold? I hate it. Seriously. I'm done with winter. I was done with winter before it started. I'm sure Heidi is tired of hearing me complain about it every day. I mean, I'm the one complaining and I'M tired of hearing it. So that's why I deleted that paragraph about how it's cold and I hate it. And then proceeded to write this paragraph about how it's cold and I hate it.

It was really cold Saturday night. Not just really cold, but really fucking cold. The wind was like an icy scepter of Satan, only not Satan because Satan's scepter is probably not icy on account of it'd melt in Hell. But whatever. It was cold. We went downtown to celebrate Steve's birthday and Heidi was nice and dropped him off at the entrance of the restaurant (because he's still crippled from knee surgery) but she made ME go with her to park the car. I mean, just because the parking lot attendant in the kicky orange vest told us that if any bums bothered us, we should yell "SECURITY," that doesn't mean any bums were going to jump out and attack her. And if they did, they're probably weak from hunger so she'd be able to fight them off pretty easily.

Then we all ate Thai food. We drove to a bar and left our tiny boxes of Thai food in the car. This will be important later.

So we played at the bar. The good? There was a popcorn machine, comfy couches, a clean bathroom, and pool table. The bad? Apparently lots of fights break out there, so we didn't stay long. Then we went to another bar. Wow, good story, Jennie. I mean, I could tell you how we played songs on the jukebox and did shots of . . . I don't remember and Heidi put on Lampl's scarf and danced around on Steve's cripple sticks and Lampl and I arm wrestled and the winner got to be the drummer whenever we play Rock Band and I won TWO TIMES because after we arm wrestled right-handed, she seemed to think she could beat me left-handed, but NO I was victorious again. It made my arms hurt, sort of. I know I don't seem like a very competitive person, but the thing is? I sort of am. It's not that I hate to lose, it's just that the thought of losing never even enters my mind and so if I DO lose, it's a cruel shock, like when you go to take a drink of lemonade and realize it's really a glass of urine that someone has left in the refrigerator. That's never happened to me or to anyone that I know of, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen.

Anyway, eventually the bar closed, as they often do, and we had to go home. Heidi got in her car first and was all, "oh god, it smells in here," and I was all, "it can't be THAT bad, cut the drama, mama," but then I got in the car and yelled, "OH IT SMELLS LIKE DEAD BABIES IN HERE," like . . . now who is full of drama, YOU HYPOCRITE? But it really did smell like dead babies. Because of all the Thai food in the backseat, you see, not because Heidi keeps any dead babies in her car. THAT I KNOW OF.

_____

Today on The Collective, Heather explains how Ryan Seacrest is going to take over the world.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Tamara asked: Are you pregnant? Just kidding. Um... If beer was not an option (because I hate beer and it makes me and the baby Jesus cry that you like it) what would be your drink of choice?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. --Jack Handy

OK . . . no, I am not pregnant. I know you said you were kidding, but I just wanted to make sure I point that out before I get to the rest of this. I know it sounds like I drink a lot. Because I talk about drinking . . . a lot. But I don't really drink that often. Just on the weekends. And sometimes during the week Heidi and I will split a bottle of wine but wine is good for your heart, right? Right. Also, what else are weekends for besides drinking? ALSO, I'm young and unmarried and childless, I have to spend my money on something, right? Right.

ANYWAY. FIRST OF ALL (caps lock off), who hates beer?! I was under the impression that everyone loves beer. Probably because all of my friends do, but that is neither here nor there. I don't know where it is, but not in those two places, that is for sure. If you hate beer, what do you drink at baseball games? Water? Coke? NO. The only reason I go to baseball games is because beer and hot dogs taste so much better there. I don't know why. It's science or something.

So, I normally stick to beer because A) it's cheaper and B) when I drink liquor or do shots I tend to get a little out of control. Moreso than I do with beer, anyway. FOR INSTANCE:

• On my 21st birthday, I had shots. A lot of shots. Not 21 because I would have died, but a lot. When I went back to the sorority house, I pretended to swim on a table, stole my friend's boyfriend's hat, and gave a speech to half of the girls in the house about how we should not fight anymore because, and I quote, "we're all Juniors at the same time!"
• Last Oktoberfest. I mostly stuck to beer but I think some shots got in there somehow. Possibly a rum & coke. The night ended with me dancing with an old man at the bar, falling down in front of McDonald's on the way home, trying to break into someone else's condo and yelling at Heidi when she tried to stop me.
• The last time we went to visit people at Wittenberg, my friend Mary and I decided tequila shots would be a good idea. Aren't they always? Somehow that night we ended up getting locked in a closet. A tiny closet. It took them a good 15 minutes to get us out of there because the lock was broken and I am slightly claustrophobic so I almost started hyperventilating and so to distract me Mary started singing and then we both started singing and then Heidi told us to shut up with the singing already! Because we were locked! In! The closet! I'm surprised they let us out; we are extremely obnoxious when we're together, especially after tequila.
• My birthday last year? Mostly beer, mixed with several rum and cokes and I believe more tequila shots? Because Mary and I are crazy. Anyway, I fell down in the parking lot and also Heidi's boyfriend tried to pick me up and then dropped me on my head.

You know, I think I'm going to stop there, because my parents read this and while I'll share a lot with them, I don't think they need to know EVERYTHING, right? Right.

I'm not saying that when I JUST drink beer things like this don't happen. I mean, there was that time I fell out of my loft. And that time I fell down and ripped my jeans on St. Patrick's Day. And that other time I fell in one of those kiddie pools at a party and had to walk home soaking wet (I wasn't the only one, though). I know it sounds like I fall down a lot, but that's not the alcohol, I'm just really clumsy.

The end. Thanks for reading. Come back soon. BFF!* Did I even answer the question? I can't remember. Um, if beer were not an option, I'd drink wine. Or tequila. Or anything, really, as long as it doesn't have cranberry juice in it because cranberry juice tastes like llama pee. I'm assuming.

*Also when I drink a lot of beer, my blog tends to suffer the next day. That is my excuse for this. Sorry. Heh.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That doesn't leave much, so, you know . . . have fun.