I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Tamara asked: Are you pregnant? Just kidding. Um... If beer was not an option (because I hate beer and it makes me and the baby Jesus cry that you like it) what would be your drink of choice?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. --Jack Handy

OK . . . no, I am not pregnant. I know you said you were kidding, but I just wanted to make sure I point that out before I get to the rest of this. I know it sounds like I drink a lot. Because I talk about drinking . . . a lot. But I don't really drink that often. Just on the weekends. And sometimes during the week Heidi and I will split a bottle of wine but wine is good for your heart, right? Right. Also, what else are weekends for besides drinking? ALSO, I'm young and unmarried and childless, I have to spend my money on something, right? Right.

ANYWAY. FIRST OF ALL (caps lock off), who hates beer?! I was under the impression that everyone loves beer. Probably because all of my friends do, but that is neither here nor there. I don't know where it is, but not in those two places, that is for sure. If you hate beer, what do you drink at baseball games? Water? Coke? NO. The only reason I go to baseball games is because beer and hot dogs taste so much better there. I don't know why. It's science or something.

So, I normally stick to beer because A) it's cheaper and B) when I drink liquor or do shots I tend to get a little out of control. Moreso than I do with beer, anyway. FOR INSTANCE:

• On my 21st birthday, I had shots. A lot of shots. Not 21 because I would have died, but a lot. When I went back to the sorority house, I pretended to swim on a table, stole my friend's boyfriend's hat, and gave a speech to half of the girls in the house about how we should not fight anymore because, and I quote, "we're all Juniors at the same time!"
• Last Oktoberfest. I mostly stuck to beer but I think some shots got in there somehow. Possibly a rum & coke. The night ended with me dancing with an old man at the bar, falling down in front of McDonald's on the way home, trying to break into someone else's condo and yelling at Heidi when she tried to stop me.
• The last time we went to visit people at Wittenberg, my friend Mary and I decided tequila shots would be a good idea. Aren't they always? Somehow that night we ended up getting locked in a closet. A tiny closet. It took them a good 15 minutes to get us out of there because the lock was broken and I am slightly claustrophobic so I almost started hyperventilating and so to distract me Mary started singing and then we both started singing and then Heidi told us to shut up with the singing already! Because we were locked! In! The closet! I'm surprised they let us out; we are extremely obnoxious when we're together, especially after tequila.
• My birthday last year? Mostly beer, mixed with several rum and cokes and I believe more tequila shots? Because Mary and I are crazy. Anyway, I fell down in the parking lot and also Heidi's boyfriend tried to pick me up and then dropped me on my head.

You know, I think I'm going to stop there, because my parents read this and while I'll share a lot with them, I don't think they need to know EVERYTHING, right? Right.

I'm not saying that when I JUST drink beer things like this don't happen. I mean, there was that time I fell out of my loft. And that time I fell down and ripped my jeans on St. Patrick's Day. And that other time I fell in one of those kiddie pools at a party and had to walk home soaking wet (I wasn't the only one, though). I know it sounds like I fall down a lot, but that's not the alcohol, I'm just really clumsy.

The end. Thanks for reading. Come back soon. BFF!* Did I even answer the question? I can't remember. Um, if beer were not an option, I'd drink wine. Or tequila. Or anything, really, as long as it doesn't have cranberry juice in it because cranberry juice tastes like llama pee. I'm assuming.

*Also when I drink a lot of beer, my blog tends to suffer the next day. That is my excuse for this. Sorry. Heh.