Monday, January 28, 2008

saturday, I'm running wild, and all the lights are changing red to green

I just deleted this giant paragraph that was about how it's supposed to get up to like 50 today? And how that sounds amazing because the cold? I hate it. Seriously. I'm done with winter. I was done with winter before it started. I'm sure Heidi is tired of hearing me complain about it every day. I mean, I'm the one complaining and I'M tired of hearing it. So that's why I deleted that paragraph about how it's cold and I hate it. And then proceeded to write this paragraph about how it's cold and I hate it.

It was really cold Saturday night. Not just really cold, but really fucking cold. The wind was like an icy scepter of Satan, only not Satan because Satan's scepter is probably not icy on account of it'd melt in Hell. But whatever. It was cold. We went downtown to celebrate Steve's birthday and Heidi was nice and dropped him off at the entrance of the restaurant (because he's still crippled from knee surgery) but she made ME go with her to park the car. I mean, just because the parking lot attendant in the kicky orange vest told us that if any bums bothered us, we should yell "SECURITY," that doesn't mean any bums were going to jump out and attack her. And if they did, they're probably weak from hunger so she'd be able to fight them off pretty easily.

Then we all ate Thai food. We drove to a bar and left our tiny boxes of Thai food in the car. This will be important later.

So we played at the bar. The good? There was a popcorn machine, comfy couches, a clean bathroom, and pool table. The bad? Apparently lots of fights break out there, so we didn't stay long. Then we went to another bar. Wow, good story, Jennie. I mean, I could tell you how we played songs on the jukebox and did shots of . . . I don't remember and Heidi put on Lampl's scarf and danced around on Steve's cripple sticks and Lampl and I arm wrestled and the winner got to be the drummer whenever we play Rock Band and I won TWO TIMES because after we arm wrestled right-handed, she seemed to think she could beat me left-handed, but NO I was victorious again. It made my arms hurt, sort of. I know I don't seem like a very competitive person, but the thing is? I sort of am. It's not that I hate to lose, it's just that the thought of losing never even enters my mind and so if I DO lose, it's a cruel shock, like when you go to take a drink of lemonade and realize it's really a glass of urine that someone has left in the refrigerator. That's never happened to me or to anyone that I know of, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen.

Anyway, eventually the bar closed, as they often do, and we had to go home. Heidi got in her car first and was all, "oh god, it smells in here," and I was all, "it can't be THAT bad, cut the drama, mama," but then I got in the car and yelled, "OH IT SMELLS LIKE DEAD BABIES IN HERE," like . . . now who is full of drama, YOU HYPOCRITE? But it really did smell like dead babies. Because of all the Thai food in the backseat, you see, not because Heidi keeps any dead babies in her car. THAT I KNOW OF.

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Today on The Collective, Heather explains how Ryan Seacrest is going to take over the world.

14 comments:

  1. Wait--you have Rock Band? LUCKY.

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  2. Oh no, it's not ours. It belongs to Lampl and her BF but they said we could play.

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  3. OMG - that Thai 9 "attendant" is always WASTED. I mean totaly bombed.Last time we were there we saw him drinking in his car while waiting for people to drive up and he says "go park in the back". What the hell is his job anyway - to get drunk and tell people to go park their car. Weren't you going to park your car anyway?

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  4. BTW - rock band is so clutch. I SUCK at drums.. but I can rock that bass like a pearl jam spawn.

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  5. I think the ninth circle of hell is ice, so Satan can keep his scepter there while he's patrolling the other levels.

    Don't hurt your arms so much that you're too sore to drum! That would be cruel, cruel irony.

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  6. I wondered why he was standing there. I thought maybe he was taking money or something, but he's just like, "oh, drive back there until you find an empty space." Um, thanks?

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  7. i don't really remember it being cold, but i do remember the smell of dead babies. priceless.

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  8. Giggity Giggity11:13 AM

    I told Lance of the smell of dead babies and he wants to know how you know what a dead baby smells like.

    Also, I think you ruined Thai food for me FOREVER!

    Haha, just kidding, it was really delicious.

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  9. I only know what dead babies smell like cause one time a zombie baby attacked me.

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  10. I used to work at planned parenthood...

    [Is that okay to write]

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  11. You can say anything here. This is a safe place. Heh.

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  12. Thai food = dead babies. That's gonna make a great headline.

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  13. you need to move here. stat.

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  14. Wow, this just reminded me of an entire summer of dead baby jokes...oh those halcyon days.

    I am totally going to hell.

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