I KNEW IT

Yeah, yeah, I know he's fictional, but please let me live in my dream world, OK? Thanks in advance.

Who is Your Ideal TV Boyfriend?

On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar

This morning, the DJ on my favorite radio station in the history of radio stations was plugging something called PrinceFest, which is taking place next month and consists of local bands covering nothing but Prince songs. As soon as I got to work, I checked it out online and emailed Heidi because WE HAVE TO GO TO THIS. HELLO. How awesome and hilarious is this going to be? The truth is, I can't even tell you BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN YET.

Anyway. What else. Hmm. Last night at volunteering, I got to play Candy Land. And then we played in this mini sandbox. It was amazing. The weird thing about volunteering is, I'm usually in a horrible mood when I get there (as I've just come from work), but by the time I leave I'm in such a good mood you'd think I just won the lottery and married Jake Gyllenhaal or something. You wouldn't think that after talking about death and grieving for an hour and a half would lead to a good mood, but YOU'D BE WRONG.

Also, I forgot to link to all this stuff. Because I'm easily distracted. So, here's the deal. This week on The Collective, we're listing the 5 Best Somethings. On Monday, Heather Anne told us about the 5 Best TV Couples on . . . TV. In it, she compares Jim Halpert to Mr. Darcy and then my brain stopped working. And Abigail, well, she gave everyone 5 excuses to drink. I don't know how to thank her. But if you read it, you'll see that you should be drinking right now. Today, Kat loves on bugs. Some of them I'm OK with, like fireflies, but then she started talking about zombie-making wasps and I might have passed out a little. I'd link to my post, but it doesn't go up until tomorrow. Also, I haven't written it. Also, I don't even know what I'm writing about. Clearly my procrastination is in FULL EFFECT.

I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

I think I watched more TV last night than I have in like a month. Truly. Also, I think I ate more junk food than I have in the past month, too. Pizza! Cookies! OK, that was it, but whatever.

Heidi and I got pizza for dinner and settled down to watch a bunch of TV. We started with America's Next Top Model, moved onto The Real World, and then took a break to go buy cookies because I wouldn't stop talking about CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and we sure as hell weren't going to MAKE them. Anyway, we didn't have milk so we had to go to the store. You see the logic? Good.

So on the way home from the store, there was the craziest conversation with my roommate ever. So crazy, in fact, that I'm not even going to try to recreate it because there's no way I can do it justice. We did talk about the fact that Heidi writes down everything that I say in a secret diary to use against me later. Because I kept talking about how I don't want kids and she said that in 10 years when I'm pregnant with my 18th child (ok?), she's going to pull it out and be all, "Remember when we were 25 and you said you didn't want kids? Well, I have it right here." And I am telling you RIGHT NOW that the only way I'm going to end up with 18 kids is if I go the Angelina Jolie route and just adopt one from every country or something. They are not coming out of my vagina. No way. Did you know you poop in front of people while you're in labor? NO THANK YOU TO THAT.

Also, she told me she hopes I marry someone with the last name "Dixon" so she can call me "Dix." That statement would probably make more sense if I tell you that almost every one of my friends call me "Bax." Which is short for my last name. I have had so many nicknames in my lifetime that I sometimes forget my real name. True story.

Also, other stuff happened, but I can't remember it right now. When we got home, we made cookies (duh) and they were delicious, especially because we ate them while they were still warm and gooey. Then we watched Ugly Betty. I've seen like two episodes total of that show and I don't know that Heidi has ever seen it so we really had no idea what was going on, but it was SO GOOD you guys. So good! I forget why I never watched it before. Oh, right, because it was on at the same time as The Office. I would talk about The Office now, but it made me so happy that I think if I talk about it too much my head might explode so I'll just say I liked it a whole lot and also I love PB&J and that is all.

Then we watched Grey's Anatomy. Eh.

I have decided that I'm going to listen to The Shins all day today. All Shins All Day! Chutes too Narrow, Oh Inverted World, Wincing the Night Away, MAYBE even the Garden State soundtrack. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? Actually, I'm starting with Wincing the Night Away so I may not get to the rest of them. And that's OK. Dear self, stop babbling.

Oh, and Mom? I was thinking about it and I figured out that it isn't The Shins you don't like, because I remembered you said the song you didn't like was called "everybody something," and I'm fairly certain The Shins don't sing a song called "everybody something" and also if they do sing a song called "everybody something" I'm pretty sure I've never linked to it on my blog, so even though YOU SAID you don't like The Shins, I think in IN FACT what you meant was you don't like REM. So you might like The Shins (this is them) but if you don't like REM, I still might have to disown you. Sorry, but you brought this on yourself. Although, I haven't disowned you and dad for liking Two and a Half Men, so I might be able to overlook this.

Dear self, I believe I told you to stop babbling. Because WOW.

My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name? Dwide Schrude. Amish.

I've been at my new job for six months now, and this is the first personal thing I have added to my office:

That is a magnet. With Dwight K. Schrute on it, in case you can't tell from the crappy cell phone picture I took. That's all I've put up so far. I'm sort of afraid that this is going to snowball and soon my office will soon be covered with pictures of John Krasinski and Jake Gyllenhaal, kind of like when I was 12 and my bedroom walls were covered with pictures of Jonathan Taylor Thomas* that I tore out of BOP** magazine.

*please do shut up

**seriously, shut up

OH. MY. GOD.

I need to get to Target RIGHT NOW.

I can't get a life if my heart's not in it

Heidi went home for the weekend and so I am left to my own devices, which Kat! seems to think will result in me doing the following until I have to go back to work on Tuesday: drink wine, surf the Internets, watch The Office, read, and go to the pool and the gym and I would be all PSHAW whatever, my life is way more interesting than THAT but it's not so I will save my PSHAWs for another occasion.

Actually, though, we don't have any wine and based on the whole non-necessity buying plan, I can't go buy any. Don't worry about me, though, we have both beer and vodka in the apartment. Also, this 151 dark rum I got in Grand Cayman like three years ago that I'm sort of afraid to drink, because every time I have just a little bit of it I forget a large portion of the evening.

And since Abigail says I can't go buy any more books until I read the ones I have, I decided to go to the library and get books for free! So there! I beat* the system. Take THAT, system!

So, I went to the library and wandered around aimlessly for two hours because every time I go to the library I forget the name of each and every author and book I have ever wanted to read. I ended up with Kurt Vonnegut, Michael Chabon, and Jacob Braff and I only got that last one because he's Zach Braff's brother and I'm hoping funny is genetic. Anyway, Internets, this is the time when I need you to give me book recommendations.

ALSO! Did you know that you can get CDs from the library? OK, you did, everyone knows that. But I always forget. So I got some CDs so I can steal music for free and it's mostly legal. Right? Sure, why not. No one will know, especially if you all keep your mouths shut.

You guys know how I'm really lazy, right? And how I procrastinate a lot? If not, hi. My name is Jennie and I'm lazy and I procrastinate. Nice to meet you. I also say fuck a lot. And douchebag. That's enough. Remember how my coffeemaker broke? The really nice one my parents got me for Christmas? The one my mom and Heidi gave me so much shit about never exchanging? Well, Internets, I am here to tell you that IT HAS BEEN EXCHANGED. A special thanks to Heidi who boxed it up and said to me, "THERE! Now that it's in the box, you're one step closer to actually TAKING IT BACK." So that's done. Only took me eight months! That's good for me, you don't even know. Also, thank you to the lady at Walmart who allowed herself to be BAMBOOZLED because I TOTALLY DID NOT GET THE SAME MODEL I BROUGHT IN! OH SNAP!

The reason I finally took it back is because Heidi's coffeemaker broke, too, and it was either give up coffee or take a trip to Walmart. And I'm afraid no coffee would give me permanent Bitchface, so it was off to Walmart I went and if you understood just how much I hate Walmart you'd know what a big deal that is. I swear, Heidi and I have MURDERED so many household appliances. We have broken the following in our year and a half of living together: oven, freezer, dishwasher, toilet, garbage disposal (TWICE!), my old old coffeemaker, my old new coffeemaker, Heidi's coffeemaker. Wow, that looks like a lot when it's all listed like that. Oh, and also the chair in the living room, which someone broke (I don't remember who) and then Heidi's dad fixed it and then I broke it again and then my dad fixed it. And then I found five dollars.

Last night, Heidi and I just happened to be at the gym while The Office was on, so that's what we watched while we did the elliptical. Because if there is anything that could make me stay on the elliptical for 24 hours straight, it is this. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND! JOHN KRASINSKI AND THE SHINS ON ONE COVER! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!? My god, what is UP with all the caps lock in this post? I had a lot of caffeine today. Lots. Lots and lots and lots.

Anyway, at one point during the show, I tapped Heidi on the shoulder and motioned for her to take her earphones off:

Me: What happened to the flat tire part?
Heidi: What?
Me: You know? When Pam changes the flat tire?

And she kind of nodded like, "shut up, fool, I'm trying to watch this," but YOU GUYS they took a whole SCENE out of the episode like no one would notice but they weren't counting on the fact that I have seen every episode at least FIVE TIMES. NO LIE. You know, I was going to try and calculate how much of my life I've devoted to The Office but I feel the number would be so large that I would be forced to never watch the show again and seriously? That is like the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Oh, so I just looked on here and apparently NBC did that on purpose. They took out other scenes and added new ones. I KNEW that line about tucking penises wasn't in the original broadcast.

Oh man. Shut up, Jennie. I bet after all that nonsense you guys wish you'd encouraged me to quit my blog.

*oh my god, you guys, true story? when I first typed that, I spelled it "beet" instead of "beat" OH MY GOD my brain is broken!

You think you're too cool for school, but I've got a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite . . . you aren't.

A long, long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away . . . sorry, I can't help it), I used to be smart. Like book smart, I mean. I was in most of the gifted classes. Even math, which I hated with the fire of a thousand suns. I'm not sure what happened to my book smarts, but I think they started to dissipate once it became legal for me to drink. Anyway, even though I was book smart, that doesn't mean I had anything resembling common sense. In fact, whenever I would do something lacking in common sense (like this one time when I spilled an entire pitcher of iced tea on the kitchen floor and tried to mop it up with the rug, which I think I blamed on my sister, or this other time when I stood on the end of a teeter-totter and had my friend push down on the other end because I thought it would make me fly or this other time, OK, I'm stopping) one of my parents would exasperatedly say some variation of, "Jennie! I do not understand how you can be so smart and HAVE NO COMMON SENSE."

I always thought that the older I got, the more common sense would come seeping into my brain. I'm not sure how I thought that would happen. I think you're either born with common sense or you're not and I'm afraid neither of my parents passed any of theirs down to me. Tonight, as I do most nights since I have nothing better to do, I went to the gym. When I got home after the elliptical made me its bitch, I started to gather all my crap from my car to take into the apartment when I realized OH NO I didn't have my gym membership card! I remember placing it on the elliptical before I started and I THOUGHT I'd grabbed it when I was done, but I couldn't really remember because I was trying to get out of the Cardio Cinema before everyone died in The Perfect Storm. That movie's depressing, is what I'm saying. But OBVIOUSLY I hadn't grabbed it because it wasn't in my car. So, instead of, I don't know, checking underneath the passenger seat (where I'd thrown all my other gym crap) I drove all the way back to the gym. I bothered the girl on the elliptical I'd been on and asked if a card was on it. No. I checked the locker room. Nope, not there. I retraced my steps through the parking lot to make sure I hadn't dropped it on my way to the car. No luck. I drove home, wondering if I should call the gym in the morning to see if anyone had found it. Before I went into the apartment, I decided to check my car again to see if my card had fallen on the floor and lo and behold there it was, lying between the passenger seat and the door. I mean, I'm glad I found it and all, but I kind of wish it had really been lost. What kind of moron drives all the way back to the gym instead of checking the entire car in the first place? This moron, that's who.

Also, I am going to prove the universe wrong soon. You think I am off topic, but I will prove you wrong just like the universe so SUCK ON THAT. Um, OK. So you know how we live next to that fancy, outdoor mall? Well, we live next to a fancy, outdoor mall. And Heidi told me that Mandy Moore is going to perform there FOR FREE next month and ALSO they are going to hold a contest and whoever wins get to watch License to Wed (also starring John Krasinski) with Mandy Moore. Whoo freaking hoo. I mean, I don't dislike Mandy Moore, but that is irrelevant. I quite like her, actually, if only for that scene in Saved! where she throws the Bible at someone and shouts, "I am FILLED with Christ's love!" Awesome. MY POINT IS, Heidi and I are planning on winning this contest because I'M SURE Mandy (I can call her Mandy because after we meet she's obviously going to want to be my friend because . . . hello, check it out, I'm awesome) has John Krasinski's cell phone number. And I'll be all, "Mandy, can you give it to me?" and she'll go, "I don't know, Jennie, he might get mad at me for giving out his number to random girls," and I'll say, "But MANDY, you don't understand . . . I just want to talk to him about how awesome I think The Office is," and she'll be like, "Oh, OK, in that case, here it is," and then I will take it and call John Krasinski and tell him I want to have his babies and then we'll get married and live happily ever after in the Italian villa he'll buy next door to George Clooney and I will be smarter than the universe. It's foolproof, really. I have so got this common sense thing covered.