Also, Joe doesn't believe me, but "khaleesi" is really fun to say. Khaleesi khaleesi khaleesi.

Every morning, I get to work and make myself a To Do list for the day. Or I make it the night before. Or I have stuff leftover from the previous day and THAT'S my To Do list. IT DOESN'T MATTER, my point is, I always have a To Do list of stuff. Just always.

After spending the morning doing everything BUT things actually on my list, I looked at my sad little uncrossed-off list and started adding things I'd already done just so I could cross stuff off. I wish I could tell you that this doesn't happen often but I'm trying not to be such a liar because Joe doesn't like it when I tell him stuff like, I don't know, that I speak Urdu, which is the lie I told him BEFORE WE EVEN MET because Natalie Portman taught me that lying is adorable.

I guess my point is that I don't have one, I just haven't written anything in YEARS and so this is me. Writing stuff. And throwing it all over the internet. Hi, Internet!

So here's something you may not know about, I don't know, LIFE. It turns out that if you spend all of Sunday watching Game of Thrones, the weekend goes really, really quickly. Also, here is some advice. If you're at the store because you tried to rent movies but you've A) seen all the good ones or B) don't feel like delving into the insanity that is Tree of Life on a Saturday night, and you decide instead that what you'd really rather watch is Game of Thrones so you stop getting spoiled about everything and finally figure out what the deal is with this Joffrey puke, but the library never has Game of Thrones in because everyone else wants to watch it, too, and the video store (Sidebar: Why do you call it the video store when they no longer have videos? Discuss.) never has it either or they have every disc BUT THE FIRST ONE so, yeah, obviously your only option is to buy it but when you get to the store, they only have the blu-ray version which is way more expensive (probably?), so you decide to be responsible and only get the first season instead of seasons one AND two, and I'm just here to tell you, go ahead and buy the second season while you're there, screw responsible, because what's going to happen is you'll spend Saturday night and Sunday morning watching the first season and then you'll realize you're going to run out of show before you run out of Sunday, so your husband is going to have to go out and buy the second season while you sit and fret about whether the store will still have it and so, to make yourself feel better, you sing the song you made up about Game of Thrones that goes (to the tune of the Lord of the Rings music): Game. Of. Thrones. It's the game, it's the game, it's the game, it's the game. It's the Game. Of. Thrones.

Which is a TERRIBLE song, way worse than the Doctor Who song you made up that just goes: Doctor Whoooooooooooooooo, Doctor Whoooooooooooooo, Doctor Who, Doctor Who... and so on.

So I guess my point is, now we're watching Game of Thrones, which is really cutting into my rewatching The X-Files project, but I will make that sacrifice because KHALEESI'S GOT DRAGONS Y'ALL!

I don’t need to know which Dracula I am to be a Dracula. Nerd.

On a fairly regular basis, I get Colin Meloy's song, Dracula's Daughter, stuck in my head on constant loop.



Which is kind of weird but not really THAT weird, especially compared to a lot of other things that get stuck in my brain. But, to Joe's chagrin, when I get a song stuck in my head, I must sing it constantly until it's no longer stuck in my head, which can take a long, long time. Worse still, I usually only get one or two lines of a particular song stuck in my head, which means I sing that one line over and over and over until someone's brain explodes (SPOILER ALERT: usually it's Joe's). One of the first fights we ever had was when I wouldn't stop singing, like, half a line from No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand. I mean, I sang this line every two minutes FOR HOURS, until he finally snapped and screamed, "OH MY GOD STOP SINGING STOP SINGING STOP SINGING FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY," and I got mad at him because WHATEVER, I was just EXPRESSING MYSELF LIKE MADONNA TOLD ME TO.

Anyway. So I was thinking about Dracula's Daughter the other day but instead of singing the song, I asked Joe if he knew that Dracula actually had five daughters. He didn't know that, can you believe it? And I don't think he believed me when I told him, so he asked their names, which are, as everyone knows: Corey (short for Cordelia), Annie, Felicia, Victoria, and Nicole. Duh. And, you guys, I still don't think he believed me because he kept asking me their names, like he was trying to trick me and see if I still remembered them. As if I could ever forget!

And then! He was asking me for a bunch of personal information, like how old they are and where they live and their last names, which is really none of his business, you know? I told him that Victoria, at 837 years, is the oldest but I wasn't sure how old the others were because I'm only friends with Victoria. He still didn't believe me. Like I couldn't be friends with a vampire, PUH-LEASE.

I finally had to tell him that Victoria and I met a long time ago on an X-Files AOL forum and he was all, "Oh, Victoria THE VAMPIRE likes The X-Files?" and I was like, "No, she LOVES The X-Files," and he was like, "What's her favorite episode?" and I said, "Pusher," and he was like, "Oh, what, is that YOUR favorite episode?" and I said, "NO, JERK," and he was all, "Well, then what's your favorite episode," and I was like, "Bad Blood, OBVIOUSLY," and he was like, "Oh, of course, it's about VAMPIRES," and I was like, "Also, Sheriff 'Hotpants' Luke Wilson."

(Sidebar: Remember when Luke Wilson used to be super mega hot? I MEAN, SWEET LORD. I always forget how much I love him until I'm watching something he's in. For serious, you guys. I owned Home Fries on VHS (WRITTEN BY X-FILES WRITER VINCE GILLIGAN) which...that doesn't even count as embarrassing, I love that movie. Anyway.)

And yet Joe wouldn't let it drop. "Oh, what are their names again?" he'd ask, and I'd sigh heavily and repeat them: Corey (short for Cordelia), Annie, Felicia, Victoria, and Nicole. UGH. He wouldn't let up about their last names, I guess since Dracula doesn't have a last name, or if he does, it's like...The Vampire, or something. I finally gave in and patiently explained that they don't have just one last name. They have to change it every twenty years or so. Then he wanted to know if I'd ever met Victoria (or her sisters) in real life and when I said no, he scoffed (!), as if I need to meet people in real life to be friends with them. I mean, EARTH TO JOE, like, have you ever heard of the INTERNET? And anyway, Victoria lives too far away to go visit all wily-nily. I couldn't be wily OR nily if I were ever to visit Dracula's daughters, they eat wily-nily FOR BREAKFAST. Joe's final question was where the sisters live, like it's not totally obvious that they have to move all the time once they've eaten too many people. Honestly. It's like he's never met a vampire before.

my eyes, MY EYES

I went to the eye doctor this morning, which I don't really mind, because the eye doctor is my favorite of all of the doctors. Eye appointments are the only medical appointments that I can go to and not feel like I've been molested in some way afterward. I mean, at the dentist, they poke at your tender, pink gums with sharp, metal objects and at the gyno they...well, let's just say it's similar to the dentist but they poke you in a different part of the body. And WHO KNOWS what might happen to you at the regular doctor. First they get you in that paper gown and then you are at their mercy.

So anyway, the eye doctor. The only thing I hate about going to the eye doctor is that there's a test. And as a former overachiever, who had to NOT ONLY get the best grade in the class but also finish her test before anyone else, I find this stressful. A or B? One or two? Is the first one better, or the last one? I DON'T KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE. Sometimes I think the doctor is totally messing with me, too. Like, she'll flip between two different lenses and be like, "is the first one better or the second?" and THEY ARE TOTALLY THE SAME. And then she'll make some comment like, "I bet the last one is pretty blurry," and I think, "OMG I FAIL I FAIL I NEED TO START OVER," and then I freak out and start Hulk-smashing all of the equipment and they ask me to put my credit card on the counter and back slowly out of the building.

Just kidding, that only happened once.

I decided to go to the eye doctor, even though I was pretty sure my prescription hadn't changed, so I could get contacts for the wedding. I've had contacts in the past, but the last time they ran out I just...didn't go get more. I figured I'd get them soon and that was, um, two or three years ago. OOPS. My eyesight is not that bad, so I really only wear my glasses at the movies, while driving, and sometimes while watching TV. However. I do not want to wear my glasses all day for the wedding, because eventually I get sick of them and want to rip them off of my face and stomp on them. And if I don't wear them, well, everything will be sort of pleasantly fuzzy but I figured I might want to be able to see Joe's face from the other end of the aisle so CONTACTS IT IS.

You are a thief of joy

Apparently the other day when I told you guys about my conversation with the coyote, I wasn't entirely clear that, well, I made all that up. I thought it was obvious, considering most coyotes will not stop and have a conversation with you (they are, instead, usually busy stealing babies with their dingo cousins), but SOME PEOPLE thought I actually did run into the coyote. I did not. I should also tell this person that the time a zombie came out of the pond and I threw Gerard the (not duck) Zmdleud at it, that was all made up, too. I also never fell into a wormhole. And I never found a genie lamp. I'M SORRY I lie. I can't help myself.

And now for a true story. After much (seriously MUCH) consideration, Halloween costumes have been chosen. Heidi is going to be Rainbow Brite and it is going to be amazing. Joe is going to be Charlie Brown. I am going to be Lucy and carry a football. Nancy is going to be a hot dog. I don't know what Steve is going to be. Steve? I don't have any of my costume picked out yet, not even the football, but I have faith that it will all get taken care of. Magically.

TiVo is totally conspiring against Heidi and I. It didn't record Ugly Betty last night! And we still don't have NBC, which isn't really TiVo's fault but I have to blame someone, anyway whatever, don't tell me what happened on The Office or I will have to kill you and I don't want to do that, mostly because I would get my hands dirty and I don't LIKE getting my hands dirty and that's why I hardly ever eat ribs. Or chicken wings. True story.

Last night, we caught up on bunches and bunches of TV shows. First we watched the Project Runway finale. I think I have to revise my list of 5 People I Would Like to Punch. I need to include Kenley because BITCH, SHUT UP. The only redeeming thing about her is that her dad is a tugboat captain. That's it. She is mean to Tim Gunn and for that I will punch her.

Did you know Grey's Anatomy is good again? Because it's totally good again. It's fun! And whimsical! But still sad sometimes. Ugly Betty is good again, too. I mean, I'm assuming this from last week's episode. Last night's episode might have been terrible, I don't know. I doubt it though, because Gio was back and if there's one thing I love, it's Gio. Or the actor that plays Gio anyway. Did you know he was in Can't Hardly Wait? Oh, right, everyone knows that. He was also on Six Feet Under. You know who else was on Six Feet Under? Dwight. He banged the mom. I think. They might not have banged, I don't really remember, but I know there was talk of banging. There were actually three people from Can't Hardly Wait on Six Feet Under. Gio, Lauren Ambrose, and the guy who licks pot brownie off her face in Can't Hardly Wait. I don't know his name but he's weird looking, like a ferret or something in the ferret family.

Anyway. I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Tonight? Dinner with Joe, possibly a movie, and IF HE'S LUCKY, Lucy-blue-dress shopping. Tomorrow, Heidi and I are going to this store that has ALL KINDS of random crap. It's sort of like Ikea, but even cheaper and it doesn't really sell furniture. And then we're going to get steak for dinner. STEAK. Yum. And then! We're buying pumpkins to take over to Tamara's and carve. I believe there will be spiked cider and since I like spiked anything, I'm pretty excited. Although, drinking spiked cider and then carving pumpkins doesn't sound very safe. Luckily, Tamara's husband is in med school, so if I slice off a finger, he'll probably know what to do. If anyone has any brilliant ideas for what I should carve into my pumpkin, please let me know. Last year, I created my own pumpkin face template and it ended up looking like the face of one of Calvin's snowmen. So, you know, I sort of need some help.

Internets, I wish I could quit you

Hey, remember when I said I was quitting my blog? Well, I lied. Sort of. I quit my old blog. I don't know why, really. I mean, I had reasons (they were threefold) that I came up with after the fact, but the truth is, I quit because I thought, "hmm, what would happen if I quit?" and it turns out . . . nothing would happen if I quit.

Since I really like starting new projects (and then forgetting about them), I thought I'd start a new blog. Plus, I was bored. ALSO. My old blog was over FOUR YEARS OLD. That's old! For the internet. I mean, if I had a four-year-old child, I wouldn't just quit it and leave it out in the woods somewhere to fend for itself. Probably. I know it's been less than a week since I "quit" blogging, but not blogging is seriously driving me crazy. Because, and I don't know if anyone remembers this, but a long, long time ago I told Abigail and Kat that the reason I blogged so much is because my mind is like a snake bite. And writing is like sucking out the poison (words). I don't know. It makes a lot more sense in my head.

I'm not doing that crazy thing where I try to blog every day anymore, because what the hell was I thinking? My blog-quitting coincided with reading Bird by Bird, which sort of smacked me on the head a bunch of times and said "WRITE, DAMMIT, WRITE," and so I've been making myself write at least 300 words a day. Like in story form, not just the same word 300 times. Although, if I did write the same word over and over 300 times, I'd probably pick "douchebag." But blogging does not count toward 300 words. It's way easy to write a 300 word blog, because I don't have to worry about it making sense, but 300 words of a story takes a hell of a lot longer. And requires more concentration. But I've been enforcing this 300-word rule for a few days now, and it's going pretty well. I've even been writing over 300 words. Hopefully, I can stick with it. After all, one day I'd like to have more than just How To articles published.

So, yes. I'm a big liar, but at least I'm not a quitter. I could never quit you guys, anyway. Stuff keeps happening and I'm all, "must . . . tell . . . Internets." Plus, I'm going to this wedding on Saturday and there's going to be a hot dog bar and a popcorn machine and a band wearing cheerleader uniforms and let's face it, there are going to be stories. LEGENDARY stories. And I don't think I would ever forgive myself if I didn't tell everyone I know about the magic of this hot dog bar.