Friday, October 17, 2008

You are a thief of joy

Apparently the other day when I told you guys about my conversation with the coyote, I wasn't entirely clear that, well, I made all that up. I thought it was obvious, considering most coyotes will not stop and have a conversation with you (they are, instead, usually busy stealing babies with their dingo cousins), but SOME PEOPLE thought I actually did run into the coyote. I did not. I should also tell this person that the time a zombie came out of the pond and I threw Gerard the (not duck) Zmdleud at it, that was all made up, too. I also never fell into a wormhole. And I never found a genie lamp. I'M SORRY I lie. I can't help myself.

And now for a true story. After much (seriously MUCH) consideration, Halloween costumes have been chosen. Heidi is going to be Rainbow Brite and it is going to be amazing. Joe is going to be Charlie Brown. I am going to be Lucy and carry a football. Nancy is going to be a hot dog. I don't know what Steve is going to be. Steve? I don't have any of my costume picked out yet, not even the football, but I have faith that it will all get taken care of. Magically.

TiVo is totally conspiring against Heidi and I. It didn't record Ugly Betty last night! And we still don't have NBC, which isn't really TiVo's fault but I have to blame someone, anyway whatever, don't tell me what happened on The Office or I will have to kill you and I don't want to do that, mostly because I would get my hands dirty and I don't LIKE getting my hands dirty and that's why I hardly ever eat ribs. Or chicken wings. True story.

Last night, we caught up on bunches and bunches of TV shows. First we watched the Project Runway finale. I think I have to revise my list of 5 People I Would Like to Punch. I need to include Kenley because BITCH, SHUT UP. The only redeeming thing about her is that her dad is a tugboat captain. That's it. She is mean to Tim Gunn and for that I will punch her.

Did you know Grey's Anatomy is good again? Because it's totally good again. It's fun! And whimsical! But still sad sometimes. Ugly Betty is good again, too. I mean, I'm assuming this from last week's episode. Last night's episode might have been terrible, I don't know. I doubt it though, because Gio was back and if there's one thing I love, it's Gio. Or the actor that plays Gio anyway. Did you know he was in Can't Hardly Wait? Oh, right, everyone knows that. He was also on Six Feet Under. You know who else was on Six Feet Under? Dwight. He banged the mom. I think. They might not have banged, I don't really remember, but I know there was talk of banging. There were actually three people from Can't Hardly Wait on Six Feet Under. Gio, Lauren Ambrose, and the guy who licks pot brownie off her face in Can't Hardly Wait. I don't know his name but he's weird looking, like a ferret or something in the ferret family.

Anyway. I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Tonight? Dinner with Joe, possibly a movie, and IF HE'S LUCKY, Lucy-blue-dress shopping. Tomorrow, Heidi and I are going to this store that has ALL KINDS of random crap. It's sort of like Ikea, but even cheaper and it doesn't really sell furniture. And then we're going to get steak for dinner. STEAK. Yum. And then! We're buying pumpkins to take over to Tamara's and carve. I believe there will be spiked cider and since I like spiked anything, I'm pretty excited. Although, drinking spiked cider and then carving pumpkins doesn't sound very safe. Luckily, Tamara's husband is in med school, so if I slice off a finger, he'll probably know what to do. If anyone has any brilliant ideas for what I should carve into my pumpkin, please let me know. Last year, I created my own pumpkin face template and it ended up looking like the face of one of Calvin's snowmen. So, you know, I sort of need some help.


  1. Kat's got a membership to some super secret pumpkin-carving template society. She got me a bunch of templates last year, including Sirius Black, who can double as a Jesus.

  2. oh! yes! seth and i were just talking about this yesterday. i'll email you them right now!

  3. FACT #1: Jennie often exaggerates the events of true stories by making up conversations that never happened between she and things that cannot talk, including animals and hat racks.

    FACT #2: Not only did Jennie not have a conversation with the coyote, she also did not even see the coyote. The entirety of the event was a fabrication.

    I think, based on Fact #1, you can see how I would be confused by the story. I didn't believe that you'd had a conversation with it. Of course that was all made up. But I did think that you had actually seen it, when you, in fact, did not (see Fact #2).

    So see? I'm not a total idiot. I just, y'know, get confused, sometimes.

  4. h!a! I can see how someone might get those two mixed up.

    kat! those are the best templates ever.

    Joe, no one even knew it was you who was the idiot until you said that! Geez. Also, I've never spoken to a hat rack.

  5. Man, Joe. Way to blow your own cover.

    I think you'll (not Joe) will make an excellent Lucy. It'd be more work, but a cardboard booth thingy with 'The Doctor is IN' written on top would work, too.


    Y'know what the discussion today over Mexican food at lunch was? The half-buried version OUR LORD AND SAVIOR off of the 75 corridor between Dayton and Cincinnati and its proprietor the Right Reverend Dipshit who apparently is in trouble with the law. The consensus was that a potentially effective motto for Dayton's non-existent tourism board would be, DAYTON: COME SEE OUR HALF-BURIED JESUS! It narrowly beat out DAYTON: WE HAVE A HUGE CARILLON!

  6. How about DAYTON: BIRTHPLACE OF MOTHERFUCKING FLIGHT! Hee. I didn't know the reverend of the Giant Jesus church was in trouble! What did he do?

  7. The BIRTHPLACE OF MOTHERFUCKING FLIGHT thing is a point of contention with North Carolinians. Our license plates actually have that phrase, minus the MOTHERFUCKING (although those would be some motherfucking AWESOME license plates). Transplanted Ohioans sort of cringe at their claim.

    Anyhow, the reverend dude was indicted on drug possession and smuggling charges when it was discovered that the horse farm he owns not far from the church was being used as a front for the smuggling operation. Perhaps he was using the horses as mules? Hmm? Ironic, no?

  8. I blue myself.


  9. North Carolinians are WRONG. And here is why: The Wright Brothers did all their flight-birthing work in Dayton. They only went to North Carolina to use the wind. I'm not mad, it's sort of cute that North Carolina thinks she (yeah, NC is a she) was first in flight, when really the Wright Brothers were just using her because they needed her to blow them. Or their plane. Whatever.

    Joe, Touchdown Jesus should be on our license plates, yes?

  10. I agree completely about the Wright Brothers thing. I remember taking a field trip to their little shop in Dayton when I was in 7th grade. We also had lunch in the park adjacent to the huge fucking carillon. I think that's how my teacher described it, anyhow. There are a buttload of transplanted Ohioans down here; it's kind of disturbing, really. All of us share the same distaste with being forced to adorn the ass of our car(s) with lies. And, yes, NC is a she. Total whore, too.

  11. I also thought you ran into the coyote. I even got excited thinking the link was a picture of the coyote run in. I was saddened when I saw it was a link to another post on your blog. Thanks for getting my coyote hopes up and crashing me back down to earth. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. What if you really see a unicorn and tell everyone about it...noone will believe you and that, my friend, is truly sad...because seeing a unicorn would be really, really cool.

  12. Steve-O6:05 PM

    Yeah, I'm still working onthe costume thing