- BW3's Wild sauce? Very spicy. Also, makes my tummy hurt. But I'd totally eat it again because OH MY GOD YUM
- I still remember college drinking games
- Heidi made up her own drinking game and it was way better than any other game I've ever played
- My voice is scratchy today from all the yelling and laughing last night
- I'm excited to do it all over again tonight
Showing posts with label oh the laughter it hurts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oh the laughter it hurts. Show all posts
Saturday, November 22, 2008
couple things
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
In Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day
I still don't have power but it's OK [cue hysterical laughter] because who needs power? Not me. I don't need power at all. I'll just read by candlelight for the rest of my life UNTIL I GO BLIND IN FIVE DAYS BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO READ BY CANDLELIGHT? IT'S HARD THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Ahem. At least people I know have power. If I couldn't get out of our dark apartment, I'd have jumped off the balcony by now, which wouldn't have even killed me. I'd have just broken my leg or something and sat there in the dark crying about my stupid, broken leg. Wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
Last night, we went over to my parents' powerless house because they had a lot of meat they wanted to get rid of on account of it would soon be rancid. My dad grilled steak, chicken, hot dogs, cheesy brauts, and hamburgers while my uncle made this potato-cheese-casserole stuff on a camping stove. At one point, I walked by my dad, who hadn't eaten yet because he'd been grilling 96 pounds of meat, and he was all, "I'm having fun!" and my uncle (who also hadn't eaten) added, "We'll all look back on this someday and laugh." But as I stood there, listening to all the conversation and giggling (mostly due to one cousin in particular, who shall remain nameless), it was nice to know we wouldn't have to wait until someday to start laughing.
Ahem. At least people I know have power. If I couldn't get out of our dark apartment, I'd have jumped off the balcony by now, which wouldn't have even killed me. I'd have just broken my leg or something and sat there in the dark crying about my stupid, broken leg. Wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
Last night, we went over to my parents' powerless house because they had a lot of meat they wanted to get rid of on account of it would soon be rancid. My dad grilled steak, chicken, hot dogs, cheesy brauts, and hamburgers while my uncle made this potato-cheese-casserole stuff on a camping stove. At one point, I walked by my dad, who hadn't eaten yet because he'd been grilling 96 pounds of meat, and he was all, "I'm having fun!" and my uncle (who also hadn't eaten) added, "We'll all look back on this someday and laugh." But as I stood there, listening to all the conversation and giggling (mostly due to one cousin in particular, who shall remain nameless), it was nice to know we wouldn't have to wait until someday to start laughing.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest!
You guys, sometimes I am for realsies a bitch FOR NO RAISIN. It just happens. I like to think the people I'm a bitch to bring it on themselves, which was totally true yesterday when I made that old man flip me off.
See, there's this intersection near our apartment. And going one direction, the right lane quickly ends as soon as you drive THROUGH the intersection. People know this. But. Instead of being polite and getting in the left lane, which is almost always much longer BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE RIGHT LANE ENDS, there are those who bypass the politeness system and get in the right lane, so they can speed around everyone in the left lane before we get through the intersection. Whenever I can, I make sure not to let these people in front of me because they are assholes. And I can't let assholes in front of me because then I'd be staring at an asshole for the rest of the drive to work and who wants to do that?
Yesterday I was sitting in the left lane, waiting for the light to turn green and fuming at the line of cars appearing in the right lane. There was an old man in an old man car next to me and right then and there I was all, "He's not getting in front of me! He's old! He'll drive slow and I'll be late!" So the light turned green. I stepped on the accelerator and so did the old man. He was right next to me and I knew he wanted over but I didn't let him. And then he had to get behind me or, you know, drive off of the road, which I believe, I BELIEVE, is something most people try to avoid. And then I said, "HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!" and then he said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOONK!" and I said, "Hon't you blow your horn at me, you old fart! You did this to yourself!" and then HE said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOOONK!" and that's when I flipped him off and then that's when he flipped me off and YES I flipped off an old man but he totally deserved it the end.
See, there's this intersection near our apartment. And going one direction, the right lane quickly ends as soon as you drive THROUGH the intersection. People know this. But. Instead of being polite and getting in the left lane, which is almost always much longer BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE RIGHT LANE ENDS, there are those who bypass the politeness system and get in the right lane, so they can speed around everyone in the left lane before we get through the intersection. Whenever I can, I make sure not to let these people in front of me because they are assholes. And I can't let assholes in front of me because then I'd be staring at an asshole for the rest of the drive to work and who wants to do that?
Yesterday I was sitting in the left lane, waiting for the light to turn green and fuming at the line of cars appearing in the right lane. There was an old man in an old man car next to me and right then and there I was all, "He's not getting in front of me! He's old! He'll drive slow and I'll be late!" So the light turned green. I stepped on the accelerator and so did the old man. He was right next to me and I knew he wanted over but I didn't let him. And then he had to get behind me or, you know, drive off of the road, which I believe, I BELIEVE, is something most people try to avoid. And then I said, "HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!" and then he said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOONK!" and I said, "Hon't you blow your horn at me, you old fart! You did this to yourself!" and then HE said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOOONK!" and that's when I flipped him off and then that's when he flipped me off and YES I flipped off an old man but he totally deserved it the end.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
It’s so watery. And yet there’s a smack of ham to it.
Yesterday afternoon, while I was sitting around at work, waiting for someone to tell me I could go home early, I opened Google Reader to find that Kat had shared a recipe.
Sidenote: if that sentence didn't make sense, it's because you're not using Google Reader and if you're not using Google Reader, I have to ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?"
Anyway, this is the recipe: Wiener Water Soup. Yes, you read that correctly. Wiener Water Soup. It gets even funnier when you read the ingredients:
1 pkg. wieners
3 c. water
And it gets even FUNNIER when you read the instructions:
Combine wieners and water in a two quart saucepan. Bring to a boil until wieners are cooked. Throw the wieners in the garbage. Serve soup. Serves 3.
You guys, I'm not kidding, when I read this, I had to take a moment. I laughed so hard, I was crying and I was terrified, TERRIFIED, that someone would walk past my office, because I had my head down on my desk and I was clutching my stomach because OH, THE LAUGHTER, IT HURTS! Even now, as I sit here by myself on the sofa, I am laughing SO HARD. Every time I think of it, I start laughing. WIENER WATER SOUP. Something about the combination of those words makes me LOSE MY FREAKING MIND. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ahem. I'm going to try to compose myself. So, soon after the Wiener Water Soup (HAHAHAHAHA) episode, someone came around and was all, "you guys can leave at 4," and that's all I needed to hear. I called Heidi on my way out, because I am an asshole who likes to rub my good fortune RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. We talked a while about the Wiener Water Soup, but the topic soon shifted quite a bit:
Me: I have to go pick up my anti-baby pills.
Heidi: Yeah, that's important.
Me: Do you think if I talked to the doctor, she'd give me a hysterectomy?
Heidi: Um, no, I don't think if you talked to the doctor, she'd give you a hysterectomy.
Me: Fine, then I'll go get one in Mexico.
Heidi: Good idea. But what happens in ten years when you decide you want kids?
Me: Ew. And anyway, I'll just freeze some eggs.
Heidi: OK. Are you just gonna go down there and be like, "hey, you on the side of the road, are you a doctor?"
Me: Yes. As long as he has a van.
Heidi: Hahaha.
Me: "His van was so clean!"
Heidi: "He used Purell!"
Me: "And I saw him wash his hands, WHAT MORE DO I NEED?"
Heidi: This is foolproof.
Me: Indeed. On that note, I'm gonna go.
True story. Only I probably won't go to Mexico to get a hysterectomy. Because, duh, I'd go to Canada.
Sidenote: if that sentence didn't make sense, it's because you're not using Google Reader and if you're not using Google Reader, I have to ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?"
Anyway, this is the recipe: Wiener Water Soup. Yes, you read that correctly. Wiener Water Soup. It gets even funnier when you read the ingredients:
1 pkg. wieners
3 c. water
And it gets even FUNNIER when you read the instructions:
Combine wieners and water in a two quart saucepan. Bring to a boil until wieners are cooked. Throw the wieners in the garbage. Serve soup. Serves 3.
You guys, I'm not kidding, when I read this, I had to take a moment. I laughed so hard, I was crying and I was terrified, TERRIFIED, that someone would walk past my office, because I had my head down on my desk and I was clutching my stomach because OH, THE LAUGHTER, IT HURTS! Even now, as I sit here by myself on the sofa, I am laughing SO HARD. Every time I think of it, I start laughing. WIENER WATER SOUP. Something about the combination of those words makes me LOSE MY FREAKING MIND. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ahem. I'm going to try to compose myself. So, soon after the Wiener Water Soup (HAHAHAHAHA) episode, someone came around and was all, "you guys can leave at 4," and that's all I needed to hear. I called Heidi on my way out, because I am an asshole who likes to rub my good fortune RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. We talked a while about the Wiener Water Soup, but the topic soon shifted quite a bit:
Me: I have to go pick up my anti-baby pills.
Heidi: Yeah, that's important.
Me: Do you think if I talked to the doctor, she'd give me a hysterectomy?
Heidi: Um, no, I don't think if you talked to the doctor, she'd give you a hysterectomy.
Me: Fine, then I'll go get one in Mexico.
Heidi: Good idea. But what happens in ten years when you decide you want kids?
Me: Ew. And anyway, I'll just freeze some eggs.
Heidi: OK. Are you just gonna go down there and be like, "hey, you on the side of the road, are you a doctor?"
Me: Yes. As long as he has a van.
Heidi: Hahaha.
Me: "His van was so clean!"
Heidi: "He used Purell!"
Me: "And I saw him wash his hands, WHAT MORE DO I NEED?"
Heidi: This is foolproof.
Me: Indeed. On that note, I'm gonna go.
True story. Only I probably won't go to Mexico to get a hysterectomy. Because, duh, I'd go to Canada.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
in completely unrelated news, LOST STARTS TONIGHT
I still maintain that seeing Jim Gaffigan live was one of the defining moments of my life (heh) and if you don't think he's funny, then I'm just not sure we can be friends anymore. Let us go over things that are funny, shall we?
Jim Gaffigan:
Demetri Martin:
Ludicrous speed:
Now that we've seen what IS funny, follow me over to The Collective and we can talk about something that is not only NOT funny, but thinks it's funny enough to win Emmys. AS. IF.
Jim Gaffigan:
Demetri Martin:
Ludicrous speed:
Now that we've seen what IS funny, follow me over to The Collective and we can talk about something that is not only NOT funny, but thinks it's funny enough to win Emmys. AS. IF.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Here’s some money. Go see a Star War.
Ever since January 1st, well, really January 2nd (when the hangover wore off), Heidi and I have been trying to eat well and start working out again. It's been going well, I suppose, and SURE, it's only been like two weeks but WHATEVER.
Part of the reason for this new healthy lifestyle is because I have to wear a bridesmaid's dress in May but mostly? It's because I feel so much better when I don't eat shit all the time. And by shit I don't mean like, SHIT SHIT, but like, you know, bad food that is . . . bad for you. Plus? I feel morally superior to the people at work when I'm eating my carrots and turkey sandwich and they're scarfing down McDonald's. What can I say? I'm an asshole, but I know how to make it work for me.
I've made a few exceptions. I haven't cut alcohol out of my diet, because honestly? I'd rather drink than eat, thank you very much, unless we're talking about cheesecake, in which case POUR SOME RUM ON THAT SUCKER AND LET'S FLAMBE THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND ALSO PASS THE FORK. Um. Right, so anyway, it was also decided last Saturday that Wendy's doesn't count as fast food when you're hungover. For real, though, it was an emergency.
This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station in the whole wide world and after playing The One I Love, the DJ was like, "That was R.E.M. When I was in school, I learned that R.E.M stands for Rapid Eye Movement," and I don't know why, but that made me laugh so hard that I almost drove my car off the road. Which would have been sort of OK, because it means I wouldn't be at work today (I mean, it's not like I would have WALKED the rest of the way) but it also means, you know, my car would be stuck on the side of the road. And I'd like to avoid that, if at all possible, OK? Good talk.
_____
Today on The Collective, give us some book recommendations. Please?
Part of the reason for this new healthy lifestyle is because I have to wear a bridesmaid's dress in May but mostly? It's because I feel so much better when I don't eat shit all the time. And by shit I don't mean like, SHIT SHIT, but like, you know, bad food that is . . . bad for you. Plus? I feel morally superior to the people at work when I'm eating my carrots and turkey sandwich and they're scarfing down McDonald's. What can I say? I'm an asshole, but I know how to make it work for me.
I've made a few exceptions. I haven't cut alcohol out of my diet, because honestly? I'd rather drink than eat, thank you very much, unless we're talking about cheesecake, in which case POUR SOME RUM ON THAT SUCKER AND LET'S FLAMBE THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND ALSO PASS THE FORK. Um. Right, so anyway, it was also decided last Saturday that Wendy's doesn't count as fast food when you're hungover. For real, though, it was an emergency.
This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station in the whole wide world and after playing The One I Love, the DJ was like, "That was R.E.M. When I was in school, I learned that R.E.M stands for Rapid Eye Movement," and I don't know why, but that made me laugh so hard that I almost drove my car off the road. Which would have been sort of OK, because it means I wouldn't be at work today (I mean, it's not like I would have WALKED the rest of the way) but it also means, you know, my car would be stuck on the side of the road. And I'd like to avoid that, if at all possible, OK? Good talk.
_____
Today on The Collective, give us some book recommendations. Please?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
boys have a penis, girls have a vagiiiiiina
Heidi once told me that she doesn't understand how I can go on and on about wanting to dropkick small children and yet I volunteer with children, both large and small. But the thing is, I feel the same way about children as I do about people. Some would say children ARE people. I, however, remain unconvinced. I think people in general are assholes, YET there are individuals that I love, love, love with all my heart and I would willingly give them all of my internal organs, you know, if I didn't need those to live and everything. Same goes for children. As a whole, they are messy and they fart a lot and they are loud. Oh, are they ever loud. But children on an individual basis? These I can handle. Once I know their names, they are as precious to me as . . . I don't know, something really precious.
I mean, what ELSE but precious could I consider a 5-year-old girl, one who had been clinging to me ever since her grandmother dropped her off, who says things like this:
"Sometimes? My brother kicks me in the nut."
Now. We are supposed to repeat a lot of what the kids say, because it shows them that we're listening, and as I said, "Oh? He kicks you in the nut?" and she nodded and said, "IN THE NUT," and I repeated, "Oh, he kicks you in THE NUT," I began to wonder if last night would finally be the night they'd ask me to leave and never, ever return.
_____
Today on The Collective, F. Scott Fitzgerald makes Kat swoon so hard she'll NEVER. FULLY. RECOVER.
I mean, what ELSE but precious could I consider a 5-year-old girl, one who had been clinging to me ever since her grandmother dropped her off, who says things like this:
"Sometimes? My brother kicks me in the nut."
Now. We are supposed to repeat a lot of what the kids say, because it shows them that we're listening, and as I said, "Oh? He kicks you in the nut?" and she nodded and said, "IN THE NUT," and I repeated, "Oh, he kicks you in THE NUT," I began to wonder if last night would finally be the night they'd ask me to leave and never, ever return.
_____
Today on The Collective, F. Scott Fitzgerald makes Kat swoon so hard she'll NEVER. FULLY. RECOVER.
Monday, July 16, 2007
hurry boy, she's waiting there for you
I had a strange weekend, Internets. On Friday, Heidi and I bought beer and pizza. Which is not at all strange or important to the story but I told you anyway so deal with it. Then we came home, ate our pizza, and drank our beer while watching Bring It On and then Elf and while we drank beer and watched these movie classics we made posters. Posters! With markers! And stickers! Also! Thank you, Kat, for the fun poster stuff you sent! We used almost all of it! On the posters!
Oh my god. So I probably should have mentioned that I didn't really sleep last night. I just kind of stared at the ceiling (I tried counting stars on the ceiling but it turns out there aren't any stars on my ceiling . . . a situation I believe should be rectified AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . . . does anyone else think the word "rectified" sounds kind of dirty?) . . . OK, what was I saying? Oh, right, so I didn't really sleep last night. Which is really nothing new, but it should explain why nothing I am about to say is going to make any sense. Are we all clear on that? OK, good.
Anyway, we were making posters because Kate got back from MALAWI AFRICA on Saturday and CLEARLY the first thing she needed to see was her obnoxious friends holding some huge posters.
Did you just hear what I said? KATE IS BACK. FROM MALAWI AFRICA. That's where Madonna tried to steal a baby. Heidi and I got up at 8 o'clock ON A SATURDAY in order to get to the Columbus airport on time, but it turned out we didn't need to leave as early as we did because, go figure, Kate's flight was delayed. I thought maybe it was because a giraffe tried to get on the plane with her in Africa, but I guess it got delayed in Georgia. So, I don't know, maybe a peach tree tried to get on the plane or something.
When we left for the airport, I walked out to my car and noticed something unusual on the ground.
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: Yes?
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: What?
Me: There is a condom on the ground over here.
Heidi: . . .
Me: And it's used.
Heidi: Ew!
Me: I know.
Heidi: I did not need to see that.
Me: It is far too early for used condoms.
I mean, I'm pretty sure there's never a good time to see a used condom. But especially not at 9 AM ON A SATURDAY after you've just inhaled an english muffin and a huge glass of chocolate milk. In case you're interested (and really, why wouldn't you be?), it was still there when I left for work today.
So that was an eventful start to the trip. We got to the airport and sat at McDonald's drinking the largest iced coffees known to mankind and also womankind and probably alienkind, too. Then we decided to go look for a Target, because we had like three hours to kill and ALSO I needed to find an ATM so I could get some cash to pay for parking because I didn't even have enough cash to pay for my Sausage McMuffin and that was less than TWO DOLLARS. Cash is stupid, I hate carrying it. So we got back on the highway and pulled off at a random exit.
Me: OK. So now we need to find a Target.
Heidi: I think we can do it.
Me: Me too. You know how Spiderman has spidey sense? I think we have Target sense.
Heidi: Indeed.
Me: If we actually find a Target I will poop my pants.
Heidi: Then I'll laugh at you because your pants will have poop on them.
Me: Whatever, we'll be at Target, I'll buy new, poopless pants.
And do you know, Internets? We DID find a Target! I did not poop my pants, though. I bought some music instead. It was on sale and there is nothing I like more than discounted music. Unless it's free music. I sometimes wish I didn't have to buy food because then I could spend all my money on music and books. Anyway. More conversations, because they are easier than whole paragraphs and I am lazy.
Heidi: Did you buy a band called Spoon?
Me: Yes, I did.
Heidi: Where are Knife and Fork?
Me: Oh ha ha.
Heidi: I am going to use your Spoon and hit you in The Shins.
Me: You are so clever. How did you get to be so clever?
Heidi: Well, one day I thought I needed to be clever. So I decided to be clever and then I was.
Me: Fair enough.
The point of this entire ball of nonsense is that we finally went to the airport and met Kate! From MALAWI AFRICA! By way of Georgia. Who knew Georgia was a hub for Africa? I didn't. Georgia has more going for it than I thought it did. Also there's a song about it. More than one, actually.
Speaking of songs . . . I have a bone to pick with The Plain White T's. You know that song Hey There, Delilah? I really, really liked it like . . . three or four months ago when I first heard it. At that time, just My Favorite Radio Station Ever was playing it. I was going to buy the CD but I heard from NOT ONE but TWO people that the rest of the CD sucked huge, ginormous donkey balls. My words. Not theirs. I don't think they said anything about huge, ginormous donkey balls and that's something you'd remember, you know? YOU know. I was content to just catch the song on the radio every now or then or listen to it on myspace or youtube or whatever. But now. NOW I can't flip through the goddamn radio stations without hearing it two or three times EVERY TIME I'M IN THE CAR. And that's all well and good, because I still like the song, but if I'm in a certain mood or feeling particularly angsty and thinky? Hearing that song makes me want to rip out my heart and throw it on the ground and stomp up and down on it because THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY. You know, I'm pretty sure I abused Caps Lock in this post. Oh well. Anyway. Crazy, out.
Other stuff happened this weekend, too. I bought some new bras. We saw some comedians and the laughter? It was plentiful indeed. Heidi and I went to a Mexican restaurant and forgot to order margaritas. And one of our beers exploded all over our kitchen counter! EXPLODED! It was so weird. I took a picture. I'll show you later. Promise.
Oh my god. So I probably should have mentioned that I didn't really sleep last night. I just kind of stared at the ceiling (I tried counting stars on the ceiling but it turns out there aren't any stars on my ceiling . . . a situation I believe should be rectified AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . . . does anyone else think the word "rectified" sounds kind of dirty?) . . . OK, what was I saying? Oh, right, so I didn't really sleep last night. Which is really nothing new, but it should explain why nothing I am about to say is going to make any sense. Are we all clear on that? OK, good.
Anyway, we were making posters because Kate got back from MALAWI AFRICA on Saturday and CLEARLY the first thing she needed to see was her obnoxious friends holding some huge posters.
Did you just hear what I said? KATE IS BACK. FROM MALAWI AFRICA. That's where Madonna tried to steal a baby. Heidi and I got up at 8 o'clock ON A SATURDAY in order to get to the Columbus airport on time, but it turned out we didn't need to leave as early as we did because, go figure, Kate's flight was delayed. I thought maybe it was because a giraffe tried to get on the plane with her in Africa, but I guess it got delayed in Georgia. So, I don't know, maybe a peach tree tried to get on the plane or something.
When we left for the airport, I walked out to my car and noticed something unusual on the ground.
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: Yes?
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: What?
Me: There is a condom on the ground over here.
Heidi: . . .
Me: And it's used.
Heidi: Ew!
Me: I know.
Heidi: I did not need to see that.
Me: It is far too early for used condoms.
I mean, I'm pretty sure there's never a good time to see a used condom. But especially not at 9 AM ON A SATURDAY after you've just inhaled an english muffin and a huge glass of chocolate milk. In case you're interested (and really, why wouldn't you be?), it was still there when I left for work today.
So that was an eventful start to the trip. We got to the airport and sat at McDonald's drinking the largest iced coffees known to mankind and also womankind and probably alienkind, too. Then we decided to go look for a Target, because we had like three hours to kill and ALSO I needed to find an ATM so I could get some cash to pay for parking because I didn't even have enough cash to pay for my Sausage McMuffin and that was less than TWO DOLLARS. Cash is stupid, I hate carrying it. So we got back on the highway and pulled off at a random exit.
Me: OK. So now we need to find a Target.
Heidi: I think we can do it.
Me: Me too. You know how Spiderman has spidey sense? I think we have Target sense.
Heidi: Indeed.
Me: If we actually find a Target I will poop my pants.
Heidi: Then I'll laugh at you because your pants will have poop on them.
Me: Whatever, we'll be at Target, I'll buy new, poopless pants.
And do you know, Internets? We DID find a Target! I did not poop my pants, though. I bought some music instead. It was on sale and there is nothing I like more than discounted music. Unless it's free music. I sometimes wish I didn't have to buy food because then I could spend all my money on music and books. Anyway. More conversations, because they are easier than whole paragraphs and I am lazy.
Heidi: Did you buy a band called Spoon?
Me: Yes, I did.
Heidi: Where are Knife and Fork?
Me: Oh ha ha.
Heidi: I am going to use your Spoon and hit you in The Shins.
Me: You are so clever. How did you get to be so clever?
Heidi: Well, one day I thought I needed to be clever. So I decided to be clever and then I was.
Me: Fair enough.
The point of this entire ball of nonsense is that we finally went to the airport and met Kate! From MALAWI AFRICA! By way of Georgia. Who knew Georgia was a hub for Africa? I didn't. Georgia has more going for it than I thought it did. Also there's a song about it. More than one, actually.
Speaking of songs . . . I have a bone to pick with The Plain White T's. You know that song Hey There, Delilah? I really, really liked it like . . . three or four months ago when I first heard it. At that time, just My Favorite Radio Station Ever was playing it. I was going to buy the CD but I heard from NOT ONE but TWO people that the rest of the CD sucked huge, ginormous donkey balls. My words. Not theirs. I don't think they said anything about huge, ginormous donkey balls and that's something you'd remember, you know? YOU know. I was content to just catch the song on the radio every now or then or listen to it on myspace or youtube or whatever. But now. NOW I can't flip through the goddamn radio stations without hearing it two or three times EVERY TIME I'M IN THE CAR. And that's all well and good, because I still like the song, but if I'm in a certain mood or feeling particularly angsty and thinky? Hearing that song makes me want to rip out my heart and throw it on the ground and stomp up and down on it because THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY. You know, I'm pretty sure I abused Caps Lock in this post. Oh well. Anyway. Crazy, out.
Other stuff happened this weekend, too. I bought some new bras. We saw some comedians and the laughter? It was plentiful indeed. Heidi and I went to a Mexican restaurant and forgot to order margaritas. And one of our beers exploded all over our kitchen counter! EXPLODED! It was so weird. I took a picture. I'll show you later. Promise.
Friday, June 15, 2007
It's Friday, I'm in love
Wanna know who I'm in love with? FRIDAY. I want to have Friday's babies and then hire a nanny to take care of Friday's babies so Friday and I can jet off to the Bahamas or Europe or wherever it is rich people go. Because you know Friday's loaded. He has a private jet. And an island. So I guess that's where we'll be going. I suppose the babies and the nanny can come, too. But I think the nanny is trying to steal Friday away from me. That slut. What she doesn't know is that I am not above kicking her in the babymaker SO HARD. True story.
Inexplicably, I am in a SPECTACULAR mood today. Well, I guess it's not inexplicable since it's Friday and all. That's pretty damn explicable. Also, I had a really good dream last night and I've found that not only do bad dreams stick with me all the livelong day, SO DO GOOD DREAMS. I guess that's my brains way of balancing out the crazy. Or something. I don't know what I'm talking about, is it obvious?
Funny story. Apparently I won a free makeover from Mary Kay. I guess I had entered some contest at the gym and I won. I vaguely remember entering it. I tend to enter any contest I come across just for the hell of it because I figure one of these days I'll win a million dollars or a car or something. It's bound to happen. So yeah. Free makeover. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it. The lady used the words "pamper yourself" a lot and I'm not really sure what that entails.
I think Phoebe has an eating disorder. Whenever I walk into the kitchen, if she's at her bowl eating she immediately runs out of the room. Like she doesn't want anyone to see her eating. Also, sometimes she eats really fast and then vomits all over the floor. I think one day they'll make a Lifetime movie of her life. Kitty Bulimia: The Silent Killer, If By Silent You Mean Except For the Ungodly Retching Noise She Makes When She Vomits.
So. Wedding tomorrow. I still have not gotten the gift. Oops. HOWEVER, I do have my dress and shoes and purse and really isn't it more important that I take care of myself first? Does she want me showing up to her wedding in a garbage bag and Crocs? I don't have Crocs, don't worry. I also don't know what time we're leaving tomorrow, whether we're going to the hotel or the church first, or if I should get dressed before we leave Dayton or wait until we get to Cleveland. Details. Who said being prepared was important? Not me. Things have a way of working themselves out if I just ignore the problem long enough. HAHA. Again, no idea what I'm talking about.
OK, so I may have a tiny problem. I am wearing these really cute Steve Madden heels to the wedding tomorrow and I've worn them before and the left shoe has a tendency to slip off my heel sometimes when I'm walking. Also, there will be alcohol at this wedding. You see how this may be a problem. What can I do to fix this, Internets, besides wearing another pair of shoes? That is not an option. Don't suggest it or I'll yell at you. I'm a good yeller, too.
Also, will someone remind me to pack my camera tonight? Thanks in advance.
Can I tell you a funny story? You will laugh, if you are anything like me. I laughed for like twenty minutes. Hey! Why not make this a Conversation With My Roommate? Why NOT, I ask you? Let's live a little! Life on the edge, that's the stuff. I swear I have not been smoking anything. I SWEAR.
Heidi: So Nick called me at work earlier . . .
Me: He's on vacation with his family, right?
Heidi: Yes. And he told me something really funny.
Me: Oh yeah?
Heidi: Apparently, his little cousin was in the bathroom for a really long time and when they went in there they noticed that he'd pooped on the floor.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA!
Heidi: Wait, there's more.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Heidi: Not only did he poop on the floor, but he covered it with toilet paper.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm not going to lie to you, Internets, I'm still laughing. Also! Look what was on Overheard in New York the next day:
Mom: Are you okay in there, sweetie?
Little girl in stall: I can't button my pants.
Mom: It's alright. Just come on out.
Little girl in stall: And I pooped on the floor.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Dear Self,
Grow up.
Love,
Jennie
Inexplicably, I am in a SPECTACULAR mood today. Well, I guess it's not inexplicable since it's Friday and all. That's pretty damn explicable. Also, I had a really good dream last night and I've found that not only do bad dreams stick with me all the livelong day, SO DO GOOD DREAMS. I guess that's my brains way of balancing out the crazy. Or something. I don't know what I'm talking about, is it obvious?
Funny story. Apparently I won a free makeover from Mary Kay. I guess I had entered some contest at the gym and I won. I vaguely remember entering it. I tend to enter any contest I come across just for the hell of it because I figure one of these days I'll win a million dollars or a car or something. It's bound to happen. So yeah. Free makeover. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it. The lady used the words "pamper yourself" a lot and I'm not really sure what that entails.
I think Phoebe has an eating disorder. Whenever I walk into the kitchen, if she's at her bowl eating she immediately runs out of the room. Like she doesn't want anyone to see her eating. Also, sometimes she eats really fast and then vomits all over the floor. I think one day they'll make a Lifetime movie of her life. Kitty Bulimia: The Silent Killer, If By Silent You Mean Except For the Ungodly Retching Noise She Makes When She Vomits.
So. Wedding tomorrow. I still have not gotten the gift. Oops. HOWEVER, I do have my dress and shoes and purse and really isn't it more important that I take care of myself first? Does she want me showing up to her wedding in a garbage bag and Crocs? I don't have Crocs, don't worry. I also don't know what time we're leaving tomorrow, whether we're going to the hotel or the church first, or if I should get dressed before we leave Dayton or wait until we get to Cleveland. Details. Who said being prepared was important? Not me. Things have a way of working themselves out if I just ignore the problem long enough. HAHA. Again, no idea what I'm talking about.
OK, so I may have a tiny problem. I am wearing these really cute Steve Madden heels to the wedding tomorrow and I've worn them before and the left shoe has a tendency to slip off my heel sometimes when I'm walking. Also, there will be alcohol at this wedding. You see how this may be a problem. What can I do to fix this, Internets, besides wearing another pair of shoes? That is not an option. Don't suggest it or I'll yell at you. I'm a good yeller, too.
Also, will someone remind me to pack my camera tonight? Thanks in advance.
Can I tell you a funny story? You will laugh, if you are anything like me. I laughed for like twenty minutes. Hey! Why not make this a Conversation With My Roommate? Why NOT, I ask you? Let's live a little! Life on the edge, that's the stuff. I swear I have not been smoking anything. I SWEAR.
Heidi: So Nick called me at work earlier . . .
Me: He's on vacation with his family, right?
Heidi: Yes. And he told me something really funny.
Me: Oh yeah?
Heidi: Apparently, his little cousin was in the bathroom for a really long time and when they went in there they noticed that he'd pooped on the floor.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA!
Heidi: Wait, there's more.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Heidi: Not only did he poop on the floor, but he covered it with toilet paper.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm not going to lie to you, Internets, I'm still laughing. Also! Look what was on Overheard in New York the next day:
Mom: Are you okay in there, sweetie?
Little girl in stall: I can't button my pants.
Mom: It's alright. Just come on out.
Little girl in stall: And I pooped on the floor.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Dear Self,
Grow up.
Love,
Jennie
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
the force is strong with that one
The other day, Heidi and I were at Bob Evans (Down on the faaaarm . . . not really, although I HAVE been to the official Bob Evans Farm. Remind me to tell that story sometime.) Anyway. There was a family sitting behind us with a couple kids. I don't know, like 4 or 5. When they got up to leave, the littlest one (maybe 6 years old?) realized he was missing something. Not sure what. But it brought on this conversation:
Little Boy: It doesn't matter, I'll just get more from the bar.
Older Boy: You don't go to the bar any more.
Little Boy: Yeah, I do.
Older Boy: When?
Little Boy: After school.
I think it was really big of Heidi and I to hold our laughter in until the family was out of earshot. You have no idea how hard it was. That's what she said. Sorry.
Little Boy: It doesn't matter, I'll just get more from the bar.
Older Boy: You don't go to the bar any more.
Little Boy: Yeah, I do.
Older Boy: When?
Little Boy: After school.
I think it was really big of Heidi and I to hold our laughter in until the family was out of earshot. You have no idea how hard it was. That's what she said. Sorry.
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