Monday, July 16, 2007

hurry boy, she's waiting there for you

I had a strange weekend, Internets. On Friday, Heidi and I bought beer and pizza. Which is not at all strange or important to the story but I told you anyway so deal with it. Then we came home, ate our pizza, and drank our beer while watching Bring It On and then Elf and while we drank beer and watched these movie classics we made posters. Posters! With markers! And stickers! Also! Thank you, Kat, for the fun poster stuff you sent! We used almost all of it! On the posters!

Oh my god. So I probably should have mentioned that I didn't really sleep last night. I just kind of stared at the ceiling (I tried counting stars on the ceiling but it turns out there aren't any stars on my ceiling . . . a situation I believe should be rectified AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . . . does anyone else think the word "rectified" sounds kind of dirty?) . . . OK, what was I saying? Oh, right, so I didn't really sleep last night. Which is really nothing new, but it should explain why nothing I am about to say is going to make any sense. Are we all clear on that? OK, good.

Anyway, we were making posters because Kate got back from MALAWI AFRICA on Saturday and CLEARLY the first thing she needed to see was her obnoxious friends holding some huge posters.

Did you just hear what I said? KATE IS BACK. FROM MALAWI AFRICA. That's where Madonna tried to steal a baby. Heidi and I got up at 8 o'clock ON A SATURDAY in order to get to the Columbus airport on time, but it turned out we didn't need to leave as early as we did because, go figure, Kate's flight was delayed. I thought maybe it was because a giraffe tried to get on the plane with her in Africa, but I guess it got delayed in Georgia. So, I don't know, maybe a peach tree tried to get on the plane or something.

When we left for the airport, I walked out to my car and noticed something unusual on the ground.

Me: Heidi.
Heidi: Yes?
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: What?
Me: There is a condom on the ground over here.
Heidi: . . .
Me: And it's used.
Heidi: Ew!
Me: I know.
Heidi: I did not need to see that.
Me: It is far too early for used condoms.

I mean, I'm pretty sure there's never a good time to see a used condom. But especially not at 9 AM ON A SATURDAY after you've just inhaled an english muffin and a huge glass of chocolate milk. In case you're interested (and really, why wouldn't you be?), it was still there when I left for work today.

So that was an eventful start to the trip. We got to the airport and sat at McDonald's drinking the largest iced coffees known to mankind and also womankind and probably alienkind, too. Then we decided to go look for a Target, because we had like three hours to kill and ALSO I needed to find an ATM so I could get some cash to pay for parking because I didn't even have enough cash to pay for my Sausage McMuffin and that was less than TWO DOLLARS. Cash is stupid, I hate carrying it. So we got back on the highway and pulled off at a random exit.

Me: OK. So now we need to find a Target.
Heidi: I think we can do it.
Me: Me too. You know how Spiderman has spidey sense? I think we have Target sense.
Heidi: Indeed.
Me: If we actually find a Target I will poop my pants.
Heidi: Then I'll laugh at you because your pants will have poop on them.
Me: Whatever, we'll be at Target, I'll buy new, poopless pants.

And do you know, Internets? We DID find a Target! I did not poop my pants, though. I bought some music instead. It was on sale and there is nothing I like more than discounted music. Unless it's free music. I sometimes wish I didn't have to buy food because then I could spend all my money on music and books. Anyway. More conversations, because they are easier than whole paragraphs and I am lazy.

Heidi: Did you buy a band called Spoon?
Me: Yes, I did.
Heidi: Where are Knife and Fork?
Me: Oh ha ha.
Heidi: I am going to use your Spoon and hit you in The Shins.
Me: You are so clever. How did you get to be so clever?
Heidi: Well, one day I thought I needed to be clever. So I decided to be clever and then I was.
Me: Fair enough.

The point of this entire ball of nonsense is that we finally went to the airport and met Kate! From MALAWI AFRICA! By way of Georgia. Who knew Georgia was a hub for Africa? I didn't. Georgia has more going for it than I thought it did. Also there's a song about it. More than one, actually.

Speaking of songs . . . I have a bone to pick with The Plain White T's. You know that song Hey There, Delilah? I really, really liked it like . . . three or four months ago when I first heard it. At that time, just My Favorite Radio Station Ever was playing it. I was going to buy the CD but I heard from NOT ONE but TWO people that the rest of the CD sucked huge, ginormous donkey balls. My words. Not theirs. I don't think they said anything about huge, ginormous donkey balls and that's something you'd remember, you know? YOU know. I was content to just catch the song on the radio every now or then or listen to it on myspace or youtube or whatever. But now. NOW I can't flip through the goddamn radio stations without hearing it two or three times EVERY TIME I'M IN THE CAR. And that's all well and good, because I still like the song, but if I'm in a certain mood or feeling particularly angsty and thinky? Hearing that song makes me want to rip out my heart and throw it on the ground and stomp up and down on it because THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY. You know, I'm pretty sure I abused Caps Lock in this post. Oh well. Anyway. Crazy, out.

Other stuff happened this weekend, too. I bought some new bras. We saw some comedians and the laughter? It was plentiful indeed. Heidi and I went to a Mexican restaurant and forgot to order margaritas. And one of our beers exploded all over our kitchen counter! EXPLODED! It was so weird. I took a picture. I'll show you later. Promise.

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