You are a thief of joy

Apparently the other day when I told you guys about my conversation with the coyote, I wasn't entirely clear that, well, I made all that up. I thought it was obvious, considering most coyotes will not stop and have a conversation with you (they are, instead, usually busy stealing babies with their dingo cousins), but SOME PEOPLE thought I actually did run into the coyote. I did not. I should also tell this person that the time a zombie came out of the pond and I threw Gerard the (not duck) Zmdleud at it, that was all made up, too. I also never fell into a wormhole. And I never found a genie lamp. I'M SORRY I lie. I can't help myself.

And now for a true story. After much (seriously MUCH) consideration, Halloween costumes have been chosen. Heidi is going to be Rainbow Brite and it is going to be amazing. Joe is going to be Charlie Brown. I am going to be Lucy and carry a football. Nancy is going to be a hot dog. I don't know what Steve is going to be. Steve? I don't have any of my costume picked out yet, not even the football, but I have faith that it will all get taken care of. Magically.

TiVo is totally conspiring against Heidi and I. It didn't record Ugly Betty last night! And we still don't have NBC, which isn't really TiVo's fault but I have to blame someone, anyway whatever, don't tell me what happened on The Office or I will have to kill you and I don't want to do that, mostly because I would get my hands dirty and I don't LIKE getting my hands dirty and that's why I hardly ever eat ribs. Or chicken wings. True story.

Last night, we caught up on bunches and bunches of TV shows. First we watched the Project Runway finale. I think I have to revise my list of 5 People I Would Like to Punch. I need to include Kenley because BITCH, SHUT UP. The only redeeming thing about her is that her dad is a tugboat captain. That's it. She is mean to Tim Gunn and for that I will punch her.

Did you know Grey's Anatomy is good again? Because it's totally good again. It's fun! And whimsical! But still sad sometimes. Ugly Betty is good again, too. I mean, I'm assuming this from last week's episode. Last night's episode might have been terrible, I don't know. I doubt it though, because Gio was back and if there's one thing I love, it's Gio. Or the actor that plays Gio anyway. Did you know he was in Can't Hardly Wait? Oh, right, everyone knows that. He was also on Six Feet Under. You know who else was on Six Feet Under? Dwight. He banged the mom. I think. They might not have banged, I don't really remember, but I know there was talk of banging. There were actually three people from Can't Hardly Wait on Six Feet Under. Gio, Lauren Ambrose, and the guy who licks pot brownie off her face in Can't Hardly Wait. I don't know his name but he's weird looking, like a ferret or something in the ferret family.

Anyway. I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Tonight? Dinner with Joe, possibly a movie, and IF HE'S LUCKY, Lucy-blue-dress shopping. Tomorrow, Heidi and I are going to this store that has ALL KINDS of random crap. It's sort of like Ikea, but even cheaper and it doesn't really sell furniture. And then we're going to get steak for dinner. STEAK. Yum. And then! We're buying pumpkins to take over to Tamara's and carve. I believe there will be spiked cider and since I like spiked anything, I'm pretty excited. Although, drinking spiked cider and then carving pumpkins doesn't sound very safe. Luckily, Tamara's husband is in med school, so if I slice off a finger, he'll probably know what to do. If anyone has any brilliant ideas for what I should carve into my pumpkin, please let me know. Last year, I created my own pumpkin face template and it ended up looking like the face of one of Calvin's snowmen. So, you know, I sort of need some help.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

So it turns out that skipping a week of running is NOT, in fact, a good idea. I went running after work yesterday and wanted to die fifteen times. It's true. I counted. And then I thought I actually MIGHT die when I ran into the coyote.

Coyote: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Um.
Coyote: Ahem. Excuse me.
Me: Can you let me pass?
Coyote: No.
Me: Please?
Coyote: Only if you can answer three questions.
Me: Sigh. Fine.
Coyote: What is your name?
Me: Jennie.
Coyote: What is your quest?
Me: Um. To go home and collapse on the floor until my heart rate returns to normal.
Coyote: What is your favorite color?
Me: Blue.
Coyote: Really?
Me: Yes.
Coyote: You're not just saying that? Cause of the movie?
Me: No. I'm not just saying that cause of the movie.
Coyote: OK, fine, go ahead.
Me: Byeeeeeeee!

He was really nice. He didn't try to eat my face once, which was nice.

The other night, I went running IN THE DARK. I got home from volunteering and saw that Heidi had been to the gym and so I shamed myself into running. I'm not going running by myself in the dark anymore. At least not around Halloween. Because . . . see . . . that's when ghosts come out and do stuff. And I don't know for sure, but I think if zombies were going to attack, it would be on Halloween because they could just hang out on someone's porch, pretending to be a Halloween decoration, and then when the owner comes out of the house they'd be all, "AAAAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRGH! I WILL BITE YOU NOW!" only not so articulate. True story. Also, it's dangerous to run at night. There are still piles of branches and crap from the windicane that happened A MONTH AGO and when I ran by a big pile, I didn't see a stick sticking out of the pile and it scratched my leg. It's OK, though. It's just a flesh wound.

Hee! I just had this conversation with one of our field agents in Georgia:

Me: HR, this is Jennie.
Her: Hey, Jennie.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
Her: Oh, god, you sound so Northern.
Me: . . .

I mean . . . I talk to her almost EVERY DAY. Hey, remember when my blog had a point? Yeah, me neither.

PS: I still need help with my Halloween costume idea. Please do my thinking for me, I'd be very appreciative. Here are the stipulations: I don't want to wear a wig, so whatever I dress up as has to have dark brown hair. I don't want to spend a lot of money. I'm lazy, so I don't want to do a lot of sewing or gluing or anything. I will be outside, so I'm not dressing as slutty anything.

there is talk of barfing . . . don't say I didn't warn you

Hi, Internets. It's Tuesday. Just so you know. Some of you may be confused because yesterday was Columbus Day, and so you might not have had to work. I didn't. I'm not bragging or anything, I totally deserved it and here is why. I was supposed to go hang out with my BFFs on Saturday. At a bar. For much drinking. IN THE AFTERNOON and also at night. But here's what happened instead. I took a shower, felt sick, sat on the edge of the bathtub, and then realized I was going to vom and vom hard. And so vom I did, and while I was vomming, I realized I really needed to clean my bathroom.

So I missed hanging out with my BFFs, but luckily Joe brought over some movies so I wouldn't be too bored and Heidi kept me updated throughout the evening (for instance, "we are at mcs and there were naked men") and then she sent me a video of everyone saying they missed me. I finally left the apartment Sunday night because I was going CRAZY. It's weird, because I would willingly stay in the apartment all hermit-like for days at a time if I didn't have to go to work, but if I didn't CHOOSE to stay there, I get all cranky and have to leave immediately.

It's a damn good thing I had yesterday off, since I spent most of the weekend feeling like my stomach was going to rip itself in half. Several important things happened. I rode a dinosaur:



I went to a used bookstore and it smelled like old books and I sort of got lost in the stacks in the back and it was awesome.

I think I have decided to be Sarah Palin for Halloween. And Joe is going to be Joe Six Pack. Really, I wanted to be Liz Lemon because I could just wear my normal clothes and hair and glasses and I'm lazy so that really suits me. Or I could be Punky Brewster. I'll decide later, I'm tired right now.

I need a Winchester

Last night, I had a nightmare about zombies. This is not unusual. I often have nightmares about zombies. Well. Maybe not often. It's not like it's every other night. But I probably dream about zombies more often than most other people dream about zombies. Anyway. The difference between my nightmare zombies and REAL zombies (yeah, that's right) was that in my nightmare, all the zombies had to do to turn YOU into a zombie was touch you. Which is so unfair, really. Real zombies have to chase you and catch you and bite you. My nightmare zombies just had to get close enough to poke you with their zombie finger or whatever and BOOM, you were a zombie. Also, and this is just conjecture, but I think they could probably like, rip off their arm and throw it at you and if it touched you, you'd turn into a zombie. So in my dream, Simon Pegg was a zombie and he was chasing me around this house trying to turn ME into a zombie and I was all, "Shaun, cut it out, this is NOT COOL," and then I woke up and heard it was raining and got pissed because I'm supposed to go see Death Cab OUTSIDE tonight and even if it stops raining, the ground will be all soggy and I keep meaning to buy a Neat Sheet but I haven't yet so if we try to sit on the ground with the blanket I threw in my car, my butt will get wet and it will look like I peed myself but maybe that keeps zombies from touching you and if so that's awesome because I really don't feel like turning into a zombie today BECAUSE, as I said, it's raining and I bet zombies don't smell very good when they get wet.

Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?

I don't want to alarm anyone, but if you have Time Warner and you live in the Dayton area then RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T HAVE NBC. It's not really a problem yet, but it'll be a big problem if it's not back on Thursday because I'll have to go burn down the Time Warner building and I just don't have that kind of time. I'm not exactly sure WHY we don't have NBC right now, but it has something to do with the affiliate wanting more money and Time Warner not wanting to pay any more money. I don't know whose fault it is but I'm going to blame Time Warner on account of I HATE THEM. I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. Yes, I DID steal that from 10 Things I Hate About You. Your point?

Yesterday, we went to Oktoberfest for the first time in a couple of years. We didn't go last year because we were at a wedding and the year before we got too drunk to get there before it started raining. I'm pretty sure I wrote about that night (yep) because it was not one of my finer moments. But whatever. Bygones.

I ate bad-for-me food and I drank bad-for-me beer yesterday, but it was well-deserved because on Saturday I both went to work and THEN went running. We also saw Tropic Thunder and I got a chocolate milkshake from Graeter's, so you could say THAT was my reward for going to work and running, but you could also just shut up and leave me alone. So there. I know I sound cranky but that's just because it's not the weekend anymore. It was a really good one, aside from the working. Best part? Last night, a kid at Kroger was imitating Chewbacca. It was magical. And I almost stole him. But I didn't. In case you were worried.

Coyote Update

Don't worry, no one has been eaten by a coyote. YET. But now my mom is trying to convince me to keep it as a pet. See chain of emails HERE:

Me: Did I tell you there's a coyote over by the pond by our apartment?
Mom: I read your blog. That is cool, we have them here sometimes. They LOVE dog food by the way. May want to keep some close to the front door and grab a handful each time you head outside "just in case."
Me: Mom, are you encouraging me to feed a WILD ANIMAL? Then it will never leave! And it might eat Phoebe!
Mom: And the flaw in that plan would be?! Then you could sort of have a dog!
Me: Yeah, a dog that might eat my face!
Mom: Oh, there are always challenges with being pet owners.
Me: I'm putting this on my blog.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I saw that the apartment complex people had put a notice on our door. "Oh, no," I thought. "I hope they haven't seen my pet penguin." Just kidding. I don't have a pet penguin, although, I'm pretty sure that since they don't allow dogs, I wouldn't be allowed to keep one in the makeshift ice cooler habitat I'd make out of the storage unit. Anyway.

The notice was to tell us that a coyote had been spotted in the vicinity. A COYOTE. And not the friendly kind that tries to blow you up with dynamite. But a real coyote that will eat your cats and your babies and MAYBE NOT EVEN IN THAT ORDER. Do coyotes eat babies? Or is that just dingoes? Anyway.

Unfortunately, the notice didn't tell you what to do in case you ran into this wily coyote (see what I did there?) during your early morning run or, let's be honest, sleepy walk to your car. I thought back on all of my wild animal knowledge and all I could think of was Dwight's advice about bear attacks, which I didn't think would be very helpful. I thought maybe you beat sticks at it, but then I remembered that that was from The Parent Trap and I think that was to ward off mountain lions, not coyotes. OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS. AWESOME. My favorite part is the laughing. Anyway.

Heidi actually SAW the coyote with her very own eyes and she said the coyote just looked at her like she was a delicious, delicious baby that it wanted to eat with a side of cranberry sauce. I might have embellished a bit. I told her to stay far away from it if she saw it again, because what if it was friends with the baby raccoons?