Dear Cat,

While I appreciate you killing the errant bugs that find their way into my apartment, I do not enjoy finding half-devoured insect carcasses strewn ALL OVER MY SANDALS. Seriously. Did you throw half of that shit up? You know, my dog sometimes threw up. When she did that, though, she at least had the common courtesy to eat it.

And if you didn't throw it up, please explain to me why I found a leg, half of the head, and what looked like the INSIDE of the torso. Didn't you like those parts? Come on! You killed it, why don't you just EAT THE WHOLE THING?

Don't turn up your nose. I've seen what places on your body you lick the most.

Sincerely,

Your Owner

PS: Why don't you bury your poo in the kitty litter? Aren't all cats supposed to know how to do that? Please tell me I don't have to teach you how. Don't think I won't, though, because I'm sick of walking by your litter box and seeing your huge turds staring at me. (Seriously, though, why is your poo so big? Is it the because of the parts of the bug that you DO eat? If so, please stop eating bugs altogether. You may keep killing them. It'd be nice if you'd bury them in your litter box as well. Thanks. Love you!)

PPS: I'm tired of waking up at 5 AM because cold, cat nose is pressed up against my face. I'll feed you when I get up. Stop trying to steal my breath.