Wild Kingdom

So, last night when I got home from an impromptu Dragon's Game (which they lost, like they always do except for that one time which was obviously a fluke) I flipped the lightswitch to discover a COCKROACH sitting on the floor by the breakfast bar.

Ok. I haven't written about this because I find it disgusting, but in the past couple of weeks I've seen a few cockroaches. WHICH MEANS there are more hidden around in dark corners of my apartment. Whenever I see one, I empty about half a can of Raid on the little sucker and wait for it to die. One time, and I'm not kidding you, this ginormous cockroach took TEN MINUTES to die even though I sprayed him continuously for about five of those minutes. I think I need some stronger bug spray, but I'm kind of afraid I'll asphyxiate myself in the process of bugicide.

I know it's like a normal part of having an apartment, but it's kind of embarrassing. I'm not a dirty person! Aside from not showering occasionally, of course. And, I mean, there's sometimes a lot of clutter but it's piles of books and mail, not feces and garbage (I promise).

I bought some of those roach hotels and put them in various corners around my apartment and they seemed to be working because I hadn't seen any cockroaches in a couple of days. Except for one, but it was lying dead on its back next to one of the traps. YES.

I don't know, as long as they don't come swarming out of the utility closet and kill me, a la that one episode of The X-Files, I think I'll be OK. I don't have much experience with cockroaches. In fact, all of my cockroach knowledge came from that episode of The X-Files, so I don't know how reliable it is. All I remember is that those cockroaches didn't like to be touched but they liked poo and darkness and BURROWING INTO SKIN OH MY GOD.

And last night, after my run in with The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati, I went out to water my flowers. Even though it was 10:30 and dark and the minute I turned on the porch light all these bugs swarmed the porch. When I started to water my hanging plant, a freaking BIRD flew out. What the hell? I mean, I know my flowers are pretty and awesome, but find someplace else to nest, OK? I don't want bird crap all over my porch because I'm pretty sure a cat has already been peeing on it.