If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

Did you know that you can get married at the Ohio Renaissance Festival? Of all the useless pieces of information now taking up residence in my brain, this one is my favorite. Did you check out that link yet? Do it. Please. It is so worth it, especially for the picture of the happy couple at the bottom of the page.

For a mere $4000, here is what you get:

• a bridal bouquet (beautiful)
• up to 6 garland headpieces (any additional bridesmaids and you have to make your own)
• Procession with Festival Musicians from Front Gate to Chapel (Oh my god, are you picturing skipping minstrels wearing tights and feathers in their caps? No? WHY NOT?!)
• a private reception area (because you really want to limit the number of people who witness this matrimonial abortion)
• 50 Festival tickets worth $16.99 each and 50 food coupon books worth $10.00 each (think how many turkey legs that would buy!)
• Two hand-blown glass goblets or Festival souvenir clay mugs (go for the mugs, they're sturdier and you can use them more often)
• a bottle of champagne (maybe you should have gotten the glass goblets)
• Handcrafted calligraphy marriage certificate and plaque for chapel (nice)
• Special seating at the tournament joust with Queen Elizabeth (WOW . . . I just . . . I have no words left)
• Decorating package for reception area with punch (hopefully, for the sake of your guests, the punch is spiked)

I've never actually been to the Ohio Renaissance Fair but I'm totally kicking myself for not buying a season ticket, if only so I could witness one of these weddings first hand. Although, it'd probably be cheaper to just apply for a job there. I could totally be a saucy beer wench. I wonder if you get to keep the outfit because I don't have a Halloween costume yet.