that's what she said . . . or HE said

Not-even-borderline inappropriate things I said this weekend:

Yeah, she had to go home so she could make love to her dog.

Do you want to touch her where she pees?

I'm going to stop there. This really explains why my cousins aren't allowed to read my blog. I'm a bad influence. I should really put a parental advisory on here. But at least I'm not the only inappropriate one:

Me: I'm brushing my teeth so I don't eat anything else tonight.
Heidi: Good plan.
Me: I know.
Heidi: I was getting ready this morning as I was brushing my teeth, cause I was running late . . .
Me: Sure.
Heidi: And I drooled a little toothpaste and now it looks like someone splooged on my carpet.
Me: Nice.

Me: I like Jackass. It brings out the 14-year-old boy in me.
Mary: You have a 14-year-old boy inside you?
Me: Um.

Heidi: This is harder than I thought it would be.
Everyone: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

I'm just going to go ahead and apologize to my parents. They did not raise me this way, I promise.