For your convenience I’ve broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume and Dwight Schrute trivia.

Things are escalating:

In case you can't tell, that says I am at karate practice and I will return in three weeks.

And lest you think I am the only one with time to kill at work, look at what Heidi sent me yesterday:

with the caption "I luvs dis horse." That is a Dwight Schrute stress ball riding a horse stress ball. Don't try to apply logic to this situation, you'll only make your brain explode.

Last night, Heidi and I went to Target (again) so she could buy some CD by some country singer (heh) and so I could follow her around the store making stupid comments. I also needed to buy kitty litter. Here is what else I got:

a CD for less than $10 so it hardly counts as spending money (shut up)
I heart Jim stationary (shut up)
four boxes of tissues with pirates on the boxes (shut up)

I almost forgot to buy the kitty litter, which would have been a shame, because that means I wouldn't have gotten to hear Heidi yell, "Phoebe! We're home! And we bought you something to poop in!" when we got back to the apartment, and that would have been tragic indeed. Not that Phoebe DESERVES something to poop in. While we were watching TV last night, I had a pillow on my lap and when I do that Phoebe likes to climb on the pillow and sprawl out like she is a princess to be worshipped but the last time I checked, people don't worship a princess who licks own cooter. I don't remember princess Diana ever doing that. Anyway, at some point during one of the shows we were watching, Heidi yelled something IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE and it scared Phoebe and she launched herself off of my lap and in doing so, she dug her back claws into the precious, fragile flesh of my thigh. She made me bleed! In four places! Do you see why she doesn't deserve anything to poop in?

When I got home from work yesterday, I shut off the air conditioning and opened all the windows because it was hotter in the apartment than it was outside. I love having the windows open! Except it is almost goose-honking season, where the geese honk all loud and annoying-like at all hours of the day and night and make me want to buy a shotgun and shoot them. It's always an adjustment when I try to sleep with the windows open, because I am such a light sleeper that you can wake me up by even just thinking about poking me very gently in the forehead with a feather. True story. Anyway, so sleep last night was not to much restful and not just because of the open window, but also because around 4 AM I heard Phoebe retching and then she threw up on the floor next to my bed and the only reason I got OUT of bed to clean it up was because I was afraid I'd forget about it and step in it when I woke up this morning and you don't want to start your morning by stepping in a pile of vomit. Trust me. I have learned that lesson far too many times.