If I run uphill I'm outta breath, if I spend all of my money, then I've got no money left. If I place all of my chips on only one bet, I'm all in.

Good morning, Internets. How is everyone this morning? I woke up and my room was FREEZING. FREE-ZING. I slept with my window wide open last night and apparently it snowed or something because my room felt like an icebox. I had to put pants on, it was so cold. I mean, I was already wearing shorts. But I had to dig my pajama pants out of the drawer. That's how cold it was. Oh my god. This is so boring I want to jump out the window.

[sidebar: this is going to be a long one (that's what she said) so good luck making it all the way through . . . do you have some water? a map? mind-altering drugs? good]

Anyway, so that's why I'm drinking coffee right now. Well, that and coffee is my bitch mistress lover. I don't know. Also, I'm drinking it out of this:


Siiiiiiiigh. Yeah, um, I'm pretty happy I can drink out of it at home because I can't take it to work and I'd hate for that $1 to go to waste. Here is why I cannot take it to work. The head of our IT department is named Jim and he would tease me mercilessly if he saw that sitting on my desk. Although, he pretty much teases me mercilessly anyway, so maybe it wouldn't matter all that much. Eh. Whatever.

Last night, I went running and a turkey buzzard DIVEBOMBED MY HEAD! I thought I was going to die. Seriously, it was like half my size and it could fly so I think it had the advantage. I'm not sure why it divebombed my head. Maybe it thought I was a squirrel? But I'm pretty sure turkey buzzards only eat dead animals. Oh my god, you guys, do I look like a dead squirrel? You'd tell me if I looked like a dead squirrel, right? Anyway, then a couple of blocks later I almost got hit by a police car because I didn't look before I crossed the street and also I can't hear cars when I'm running on account of the loud music blasting in my ears. But if you're going to get hit by a vehicle and it's NOT an ambulance, I really think a police car is the way to go.

SO! Internets. Spoon is coming to Cincinnati soon and I knew this a couple of weeks ago but I talked myself out of going because Heidi and I have to get up early the next morning and drive to Cleveland for another freaking wedding and I thought it'd be irresponsible to go to a concert and come home late the night before but then I realized I DON'T CARE because GODDAMMIT, I'M ONLY 25 AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I WANT TO DO IS GO SEE SPOON IN CINCINNATI, SLEEP BE DAMNED! DAMNED, I SAY! Ahem. Anyway. So I'm going to that. The best part is, I don't have to go by myself because Three-hole-punch Steve likes Spoon, too, and I might even be able to talk Heidi into going if I tell her she'll get to make Spoon and Fork and Knife jokes all night. Spoon! Heidi makes fun of all the music I like. See:

Heidi: What CD do you have there?
Me: Shiny Toy Guns.
Heidi: Your music is so violent.
Me: No, it's not.
Heidi: Yes, it is. Shiny Toy Guns are dangerous.
Me: They're toys. And what about The Postal Service. That's not dangerous.
Heidi: Yeah-huh, cause Shiny Toy Guns are what The Postal Service uses to shoot people when they go crazy.
Me: Oh yeah? How about Rilo Kiley? Do something with that I DARE YOU.
Heidi: OK, fine.
Me: Hey. You know what kind of cab you'd ride in if you were a cutie?
Heidi: Heh. What?
Me: A DEATH CAB.

This took place in Target because Heidi and I like to put on short, one act plays for the other Target patrons. I think they like it. Later, we caught the tail end of The Office (not at Target) and had this conversation (with my roommate, duh):

Heidi: I haven't seen the season finale since it was on back in May.
Me: Um, yeah, me neither.
Heidi: Yeah, right. How many times have you watched it since then?
Me: I don't know. Only a couple.
Heidi: More than five times?
Me: No!
Heidi: More than four?
Me: . . .
Heidi: Ha!

And anyway, I think I accidentally lied because I may have seen it way more than five times but who can keep track of that sort of thing?

Since I've veered into conversation territory, let's just keep going, shall we? I called my mom last night because we're supposed to go to my aunt's today to have a party for my cousin. And no one ever tells me anything so I needed to know what time to be there and why were even having it in the first place. And now! CONVERSATION WITH MY MOTHER:

Mom: I got Cousin a card.
Me: A card for what?
Mom: You know, just to show our support for his decision and everything.
Me: What? What decision?
Mom: Oh, he joined the army.
Me: HE DID WHAT?!
Mom: He joined the army.
Me: IS HE RETARDED?!
Mom: Jesus, Jennie, your dad can hear you through the phone.
Me: Sorry. But seriously. What?
Mom: Yeah, your aunt isn't too happy about it, but we should be supportive.
Me: I guess. I'm glad you told me now and not tomorrow in front of everyone.
Mom: Yes, I don't think they would have appreciated your reaction.

True story. I don't ACTUALLY think my cousin is retarded for joining the army DURING WAR TIME. I gave my brain some time to think about it and my brain decided that the only reason I had that reaction was because, um, the army is dangerous? Did I mention war time? And I'm just worried. The army and I are totally fighting right now. AND I don't care if they have tanks and bazookas and nunchucks, I CAN TAKE THEM. Anyway, if you're thinking of joining the army and someone in your life calls you a retard, don't worry, it's only because they love you.