That’s the thing about bear attacks. They come when you least expect it.

Last night I was reminded why I like having a roommate more than living the long lonely life of loneliness. Heidi had a bad day at work, a "one of those day" day, if you will, and so I bought a bottle of wine on the way home because the only way I know how to solve problems (such as a "one of those day" day) is with alcohol. So we drank wine and watched trashy TV. Big Brother (Dick and Danielle . . . HATE), The Hills (Spencer . . . DOUCHE), The Real World (Drunk People . . . LOVE), and My Boys. OK, My Boys does not officially qualify as trashy TV. It's not brilliant TV, but it's not terrible. It's got its moments (also, Jim Gaffigan) and I think the biggest problem with it is that it rushes through storylines waaaaay too quickly. Like, something that on a normal show would last at least three episodes, they blow through in half an hour. ANYWAY, before I get into the following CONVERSATION WITH MY ROOMMATE, allow me to explain the show a little. PJ is friends with all these dudes. She writes for the Cubs. And apparently next week she has to choose between three hot men. Jeremy Sisto of Clueless and Six Feet Under fame, who she was all in love with for years and he was in Iraq or Afghanistan or somewhere scary and he came back to Chicago and she was like "oooh, I still luuuurrvve him" in her head only it turned out he's engaged now. Awesome. Then there is That Guy Who Played Ethan Crane on Passions and also Keith on Scrubs. He plays for the Cubs and they went on some dates but apparently it violated her ethics as a sports writer to continue dating him. WHAT. EVER. Then in the last episode she met a hot botanist who talked to her about cicadas and brilliantly pretended to be a smoker to get out of awkward, forced party-interactions and was very cute all around. Um, yeah, so CONVERSATIONS WITH MY ROOMMATE:

Heidi: So if you had to choose between the guy from Clueless, Ethan Crane, or the nerdy cicada guy, who would you choose?
Me: I think . . . the cicada guy.
Heidi: Really?
Me: Yeah, because the guy from Clueless has gotten kind of fat. And he has a beard.
Heidi: Plus, he had a fiance, which means he would have had to break that off.
Me: Right, and Ethan Crane would mess up my job.
Heidi: Well . . . maybe not.
Me: And anyway, he's kind of goofy. The cicada guy is nerdy has dark hair and all the guys I've ever liked have had dark hair.
Heidi: Huh. I just realized something.
Me: What?
Heidi: I've never dated a guy with dark hair.
Me: Weird. But that just proves my theory that we'll never fight over the same guy.
Heidi: Well, I dated a guy with dark hair once.
Me: Oh yeah?
Heidi: But he cheated on me so I figured all guys with dark hair are cheaters.
Me: Well, shit, now you tell me.

Although, I have dark hair. Does that mean I'm a cheater? It hasn't so far, but maybe it only applies if you have a penis. Probably we should rethink this theory and not drink a bottle of wine beforehand.

Then? Then I introduced Heidi to lol cats and we spent the next 20 minutes laughing hysterically and saying things like "i luvs dis cher" over and over until we were laughing so hard neither of us could speak. I mean, tell me you're not jealous of our super exciting lives.

Then? Then I went to bed and had the WEIRDEST dreams I have ever had in my life, including but not limited to going swimming in the ocean and being scared that I was going to be attacked by a new kind of sea-bear that was quickly becoming known as THE MOST DANGEROUS BEAR IN ALL THE LAND and, oh this one is the best, teaching Zach Braff how to ride a bike without training wheels. He was wearing a helmet. It was pink and it had flowers on it. I wish I could say we made out or something, but no. I just taught him how to ride a bike. Not very well, I might add, because he fell down SO MANY TIMES because I wasn't strong enough to hold him up on the bike but OH MY GOD Zach Braff is like . . . A FOOT taller than me and I think it's unrealistic to think I could EVER hold him up on a bike WHILE running alongside it because I AM JUST A WEAK LITTLE GIRL LEAVE ME ALONE.