oh baby pleeeeeeeeease . . . give a little respect . . . toooo-ooooo MEEEEEEE

The other night, I decided to Tim Gunn my closet. Tim Gunn is like Stacy and Clinton put together, only nicer and way gayer. I wish Tim Gunn was my uncle so he could tell me what to wear ALL THE TIME. Because I need that much help, people. Left to my own devices, I have one of two uniforms:

1. t-shirt, jeans, flip-flops
2. long-sleeved old navy shirt, jeans, tennis shoes

Uncle Tim would make me wear skirts! And dresses! And fancy underwear! Which, OK, that'd be a little weird. Actually, on his show, Tim Gunn doesn't help pick out the fancy underwear, Veronica does. Because not even Tim Gunn is that gay. Or women's underwear makes him uncomfortable. Or both.

Anyway, so I cleaned out my closet and now have a huge stack of clothes to give to Goodwill. Some of the clothes? I don't know why I was holding onto them. First of all, a lot of them were far too big. Second of all, I found stuff that I never even knew I had. Like this one shirt? It is the ugliest, most heinous shirt I have ever seen IN ALL MY YEARS. I'm pretty sure it was a gift because I would never spend money on something like this. It was saved from Goodwill, though, at least for a couple of days because it might be perfect for my Halloween costume. Thanks, Tim Gunn!

So now I just have to work on collecting Tim Gunn's 10 essentials, WHICH ARE:

1. Basic black dress (check!)
2. Trench coat (no check)
3. Classic dress pants (check!)
4. White shirt (check, but I don't like it and it doesn't look very good on me, so UNCHECK)
5. Jeans (oh, CHECK)
6. Cashmere sweater (are you kidding?)
7. Skirt (eh)
8. Day dress (yeah right)
9. Blazer (check!)
10. Sweat suit alternative (who even still buys sweat suits?)

I think Tim Gunn and I differ a lot on what constitutes a sweat suit alternative. Because a lot of the time these women end up wearing a dress as a sweat suit alternative. Um, what? No. Would you wear a dress to go grocery shopping? Or take out the trash? Or give your dog a bath? I hope not. Otherwise, you've got bigger problems than the fact that you own a SWEAT SUIT.