When I got home from Cleveland on Sunday, our downstairs neighbors (Dan the Man and his daughter) were out on their porch, which is right next to our front door. I noticed something odd as I came up the walkway and that something odd was two baby raccoons. On their porch. Like . . . in a cage.
Me: Um. Are those raccoons?
Daughter: Yep!
Me: Why?
Dan the Man: Well, the mom died so we decided to raise them until we can release them.
Me: Oh. Cool.
Then we had a nice long conversation about how long it takes to raise raccoons and how smart they are and how you can domesticate them and then I got rabies and died.
Oh, wait, that didn't happen. Anyway, I emailed Heidi at work on Monday and was all, "did you know our neighbors are keeping raccoons on the porch?" and she was all, "WHAT?!" and I said, "yes, raccoons . . . on the porch . . . and they are smelly." And then Heidi sacked up and called the apartment complex. Naturally, since I was at my office and Heidi was at her office, I could not hear the conversation, but I was told it went something like this:
Heidi: Hi, I was walking by an apartment and they have raccoons on their porch.
Office Lady: Say that again?
Heidi: They have raccoons on their porch.
Office Lady: On purpose?
Heidi: Yes. In a cage.
Office Lady: Why?
Heidi: I don't know.
Office Lady: Who does that?
Heidi: Our neighbors.
Office Lady: Which apartment are you in?
Heidi: 5699*
Office Lady: Is this Heidi or Jennie?
Heidi: Heidi.
Office Lady: You guys have the weirdest stuff happen to you**.
Then she told Heidi that they'd be gone within a day. And today they are gone. I wish I knew what happened to them. I feel bad because I didn't want them killed or anything, but if anyone in the apartment complex is going to accidentally get infected with rabies, it's gonna be me or Heidi. I mean, we had to take precautions.
*note: not our actual apartment number
**see: broken garbage disposal; upside-down oven knob; broken toilet; broken front door lock
Way to be incognito, have a conversation with them and then rat them out the very next day.
ReplyDeleteNow the downstairs neighbors are going to kill you in your sleep. Seriously. You know they will.
Ha! Whatever, it wasn't me, it was Heidi. I pretended to love the raccoons.
ReplyDeleteYeah, hopefully it won't be traced back to you. You know that the raccoons are "gone" because the neighbors released them into your apartment.
ReplyDeleteNot related - did you see that they are now saying (and brace yourself here) that the frozen Bigfoot was a hoax?
ReplyDeletemg! ha! Whatever, my cat would totally kick their asses.
ReplyDeleteGSR, GOOD! All I could think about was poor Harry (of Harry & the Hendersons).
I didn't pretend. I gave the raccoons the stink eye. I'd do it again if I had to. I was scared though they would do something to our apartment. I don't care...I don't want to die. LOL We have too much to live for...like that Journey concert.
ReplyDeleteHOLD THE PHONE... WHO/WHAT/WHEN is a JOURNEY CONCERT and WHY THE SHIT wasn't I invited!?
ReplyDeleteBut baby raccoons! How could you!?
ReplyDeleteYou and Heidi are raccoon murderers.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love that the office lady knows who you guys are because of all your crazy shennanigannery (I totally just butchered that word).
Heidi, I'm glad we don't have rabies.
ReplyDeleteTam, we don't have tickets yet CALM DOWN!
Abigail and Stephanie, we do not know that the raccoons were killed. Maybe they went to live on a farm! YOU DON'T KNOW. STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD.
Way to take away the little girls pets....meaney!
ReplyDeleteWhatever, Beau, we saved them from rabies!
ReplyDeleteIn The Glass Castle, the kids have a buzzard as a pet. No one calls the landlord on them either.
ReplyDeleteThey also had a rat, but they hung it from a tree and some guy shot it. That's always an option too...