Thursday, May 10, 2007

Conversations Extravaganza; or, Why My Mother is Grosser Than Yours

Last night, I went over to Nancy's to make a penis cake. It wasn't very hard (heh) because all we had to do was mix up all the ingredients and pour it in the mold, but I felt confident that if anyone could mess up cake from a box, I could. I didn't, though. So there. On the way home, I talked to my mom and NOW I BRING YOU a Conversation with My Mother:

Me: Hi, Mom.
Mom: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Driving.
Mom: Oh, where are you going?
Me: I was at Nancy's.
Mom: Doing what?
Me: Making a penis cake.
Mom: Okaaaay.
Me: It's for Erin's bachelorette party this weekend.
Mom: Oh, I see. You just made the penis?
Me: Um, yes?
Mom: . . .
Me: Why?
Mom: Oh, no reason, I was just going to say something very crass.
Me: Well, thank you for keeping it to yourself.
Mom: It was going to be something about testicles.
Me: Mom! And anyway, the penis had balls attached.
Mom: Oh, OK.
Me: Also, we made pubic hair.
Mom: OK, Jennie, I didn't need to know that.
Me: It's just coconut shavings and food coloring.
Mom: You could have been like the guys from Jackass and used real pubic hair.

Later, I told Heidi about it and we laughed and laughed because is there anything funnier than moms saying "pubic hair?" I don't think so.

Heidi: I can't believe your mom said that.
Me: I know. Although, now I know where I get it from.
Heidi: That's true.
Me: I always thought it was from my dad, but it turns out it's my mom.
Heidi: Who knew?
Me: Or maybe it's from both of them.
Heidi: That would explain a lot.
Me: Man, I'm screwed.

When I got home from making the penis cake, I changed and put my gym clothes on. I had my mp3 player, membership card, and keys in my hand and then decided I didn't want to go. I took my shoes and socks off and sat down at the computer and then had this crazy mess of thoughts: You should go to the gym. Just go. You're already wearing your gym clothes. JUST GO. But if you go, you won't be home until almost 10 and you might miss some of Lost. Who cares, you're TiVoing it. Yeah, but you still have to fold some laundry and iron. Or you could not wear that shirt you were planning on wearing and you wouldn't have to iron. But you'd still have to fold laundry. Just go. Go. You went to all that trouble of putting a sports bra on, seriously just go. Plus, if you don't go, Heidi is going to come home and ask what you did tonight and all you'll have to tell her is 'made a penis cake and sat around playing on the Internets' and then she'll make fun of you, do you want that? No. Get off your ass and go.

So, I went. And almost immediately regretted it because all the elliptical machines with the TVs attached were taken, so I had to go into the Cardio Cinema and the movie they were playing was Employee of the Month. Starring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. I don't know if you know how I feel about them but if I were stuck on a deserted island and had to decide which one to eat for survival or sacrifice to appease the Volcano Gods? I would volunteer to jump into the Volcano myself because I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with either one of them. Luckily, when I went in, it was toward the end of the movie so the credits took up a lot of the time I was in there. But could they have assembled any more annoying people to star in that movie? Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, Dax Shepard, ANDY DICK, and that guy from Half-Baked who gets throw in jail. You know the one I mean? He was in Sorority Boys, too. Also There's Something About Mary, talking about seven being the key number and chipmunks on a branch. Oh man, why do I know this? I watch too much TV. Also, too many movies. I will HANDS DOWN KICK YOUR ASS at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Anyway. Did I tell you the other night we broke our garbage disposal? Well, I say WE broke it but really it was all Heidi. Hee. Sorry, Heidi. This is the fourth kitchen appliance we have broken (it goes: stove, dishwasher, freezer, garbage disposal, and also my toilet). Heidi said when she called the apartment complex lady to tell her it was broken, the lady asked how we knew and when Heidi told her I had Googled "clogged garbage disposal" and Google said never, ever put celery in the garbage disposal, she laughed and laughed for the rest of the phone call. I don't know why. I thought everyone Googled everything and if you don't believe me I'll Google you RIGHT NOW I swear I will.

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