how's THIS for a cover letter

So, it's Day, I don't know, 27 of the Great Job Search of 2005 and I'm beginning to wish I had more marketable skills.

Maybe I should have majored in something else. Some people major in English because they're going on to law school or grad school, or because they want to teach it. I majored in English because I like to read and I like to write and I couldn't figure out what else I wanted to major in. Smart move, jackass. So far in my job search, no one is looking for anyone to write them a sonnet or to talk about why Captain Ahab was a freaking psychopath. Which I could TOTALLY do. You want me to talk about Shakespeare? Done! You want me to contrast Poe with the transcendentalists? No problem! You want me to write a paper about how the Civil War affected Whitman's poetry? Point me to a computer! You want me to like, talk on the phone and be nice to people and use my non-existent social skills? Um, let me get back to you.

I had a lot of fun as an English major, because mostly it just involved a lot of bullshitting which I am GREAT at, but it's not really helping me find a job. I think it's because there's no clear path with an English major. They told me, "Oh, you can do ANYTHING with an English major! It's so versatile!" but apparently doing anything mostly means sitting around and watching a lot of TV.
My resume isn't very impressive, I guess. I've never had a full-time job before, and most companies are looking for someone with at least a year of experience. Well, guess what, assholes, I read Beowulf AND the Canterbury Tales in OLD ENGLISH which is basically GIBBERISH so I think I can handle your oh-so-intricate filing system.