Saturday, January 07, 2006

the world has turned and left me here

It's been a solitary weekend. Well, except for the part where I went to work this morning. Yes, on Saturday. I don't want to talk about it.

I suppose I can't complain. I got off work early on Friday. So I went to a movie. By myself. First time ever. In the past, whenever I saw someone alone at a movie I had some thought along the lines of, "how sad, they don't have anyone to go to the movies with," but I quite enjoyed it. I'm not gonna go all Carrie Bradshaw and say the city was my date because wtf is that? Carrie Bradshaw is a dipshit. Plus, I would never date Dayton even though it sounds like "dating" minus the G. We are not compatible. I have yet to find a city I am compatible with because if I had I would be living there. Tangent complete.

The thing is, I could have called someone who probably would have met me at the movie theater, but I didn't. I wanted to be alone. I fear I could very easily become one of those people who wanders around muttering to herself, who would rather be alone than put up with the nonsense of other people.

After work this morning, I wasn't content to sit alone at home, I wanted to be alone around other people. So I went shopping. But not really, because I didn't buy anything. I made eye contact with strangers but didn't talk to anyone.

Sometimes I need to be alone. The act of putting words into sentences and then trying to verbalize it is exhausting. I can't pretend laugh anymore. I don't want to pretend anything anymore.

So tonight I plan on listening to my MP3 player and read. Alone. I sometimes wonder if it's a good idea to listen to my MP3 player alone, because what if someone smashed in my window and snuck up behind me? A zombie could be very slowly cracking its way through the patio door and I wouldn't hear a damn thing because I am singing "Proud Mary" at the top of my lungs.

And I wonder why my neighbors avoid eye contact.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go check the porch for zombies.

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