Merry Christmas, assholes! (just kidding, I love you guys)

For some reason I have been listening to Christmas music whenever I have the radio on, in an attempt to force the Christmas spirit down my throat. It's not really working, partly because of Delilah (click here to read my thoughts on that slutbag) but also because for every song that comes on that I do like, there are like three others that make me want to shove something rusty and sharp in my ear. Songs such as "The Christmas Shoes," for instance, about the guy who gets suckered into buying some shoes for this kid's dying mother so she looks good when she meets Jesus. I wish the guy had bought the kid some food or some therapy instead. Jesus doesn't care what kind of shoes you wear when you get to heaven. Did Jesus even wear shoes? Sandals? And where is this kid's dad? Poor kid's just out wandering random stores (I picture him at Wal-mart) by himself on Christmas Eve? WTF? Also, it's kind of presumptuous for that kid to assume his mom is going to Heaven. Like, maybe he should be buying her some slutty, red heels if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. (I think that comment just got me a permanent spot on the Naughty List . . . FINALLY)

Another song I hate? That one about the Soldier's Silent Night or whatever? Where the old guy like recites a poem along to some slow, sad music. SHUT UP, old guy! This has less to do with the actual content of the song and more to do with my absolute hatred of people slow talking along to music and calling it a song.

Frosty the Snowman? I hate that cold, snowy bastard, too. He comes to life when you give him a hat? Does that not scare the shit out of anyone else? Judge me all you want, but he is like a SNOW ZOMBIE. The only way to kill him is to take off his hat or, you know, make the sun come out. That song makes me want to go on a rampage with a blowtorch, melting carefully constructed snowmen as I go before they can spontaneously reanimate themselves.

I also hate the little drummer boy. Who the hell plays the drums for a BABY? I bet Mary had just gotten Jesus to go to sleep and then this little asshole comes in with a drum and wakes him up. Do you think just because he's the son of God he doesn't need his sleep? Well, you are WRONG.

The song I loathe the most, though? The 12 Days of Christmas, which does, in fact, last twelve days. Every time I hear "five golden rings" all stretched out and loud and obnoxious I want to drive my car into a ditch. I will give special exception to the Muppet version, but that's only because I heart Beaker. WHO DOESN'T?

Um. OK, I know I sound like a total Grinch right now, but I can't help it. It's genetic. It's not that there aren't songs that fill my three-sizes-too-small heart with joy, they're just few and far between the songs that make me want to kill someone. If you see a murderous look in my eye, simply play one of the following songs:

• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
• The Hippo Song (duh)
• I don't know, whatever song that was in Sleepless in Seattle that Meg Ryan was singing in the car? I don't remember what it was, I just like singing "horses, horses, horses, horses" WOW
• The Mariah Carey tour de force, All I Want for Christmas Is You (it's true)
• O, Holy Night, but only sung by Cartman

and I will be lulled to a calm, deep sleep. See? I'm not a complete Grinch. Yet.

PS: My mom commented on my blog. Because my parents are cool like that. Sometimes I think of the kind of stuff I write on here knowing most of my family is going to read it and I wonder how much farther over the line I'd go if they didn't read it. We're probably better off not knowing.