Why I will never be President (aside from all the incriminating pictures)

Coworker: When are you leaving for Chicago?
Me: On Saturday.
Coworker: So what are you doing for New Years Eve?
Me: . . . I'm going to Chicago.
Coworker: I mean, where are you going?
Me: Chicago.
Coworker: SLOW PERSON, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN CHICAGO?
Me: Oh. I don't know yet.

Heidi: Help me find a candle.
Me: Don't get this one, it smells like dead babies.