Oh man. I do not feel well at all. And my back still hurts. I'm so old.

I was thinking about some good rules to abide by when you're drinking (while I was lying in my bed, feeling like I was going to die) and here's what I came up with:

1) Chugging is never a good idea, whether it be beer, wine, or water. Just don't do it.

2) Calling your parents after a night of drinking is an even worse idea, even if they had been doing the exact same thing. Better yet, it's probably a good idea to just leave your cell phone at home. And hide it. Because, for some reason, the more you drink, the smarter it seems to call everyone in your phone book and leave long, babbling messages that will be really embarrassing the next day.

3) Don't wear shoes you like to the bar. Someone will always spill something on them. Always.

4) Stealing is bad. You think you're being all slick, trying to shove that 5 foot sign in your purse? Well, you're not. The bouncer, the bartender, and the owner all saw you do it. So don't even try it.

5) Karaoke. No. You can't sing. Even if you can sing when you're sober, the alcohol will make you sound like a dying giraffe.

6) When picking songs on the jukebox, please do not play all U2 songs, or all country songs, or even all Dave Matthews songs (as much as I love him). People will smack the shit out of you, and rightfully so.

7) Watching infomercials when you come home is OK, if a little weird. Calling the numbers and ordering the Time Life collection of every song written in the 60's . . . not cool.

I'm sure there are many, many more, but my brain is not exactly functioning normally. Maybe I'll add more later. Any suggestions?