So, I was going through my old emails (some dating back to high school, yeesh), cleaning out the AOL filing cabinet (because that is obviously more important than working on my thesis) and as I came across old emails I read some of them. And some of the subject matter in my emails and emails from my friends led me to a question.

What's the time limit on crushes? How long can you "like" someone and still be considered sane? This reminds me of that part in There's Something About Mary where Ben Stiller says something along the lines of, "Crushes don't last 13 years." And if that's true, then how long do they last before you make yourself move on? And what if the crush goes away and then comes back? Do you include the time of the break, or does the time limit start over? Is this even making any sense? Personally, I had a crush on someone in high school that came and went all four years. That's like torture. There should be some kind of statute of limitations for this kind of thing.

This is why, for the good of all mankind, I've written a template letter that anyone can use. Just copy/paste it into an email, add the correct names and such, and you're golden. Hit send and push the person out of your mind forever. And if you feel stupid later, you can always just say you were drunk. Or that you typed in the wrong email address. Or pretend to have amnesia. It's really up to you. It is your letter, after all. It's all for you. I do it all for you, you know.

Template Letter for the Chronically Crushed

Dear [Fill in Blank]

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. But there's something I have to say. I've been holding it in for so long. I can't remember not feeling this way and it's driving me absolutely crazy.

[Fill in blank], I love you.

There. It's out. I love you. Rather, I'm in love with you. I know it sounds crazy, but I think we're great together. Sometimes the brightest part of my day is when I come home from [class/work/therapy] and see an IM or an email from you. It doesn't matter what it says. (Unless, of course, you're IMing me to tell me you love me too, in which case . . . call me, dumbass.)

I don't know what kind of response I want from this. Let's be honest, if you ever get this it will mean [hell has frozen over/i had a burst of courage/i had one too many tequila shots, blacked out, and sent you this letter, in which case, this doesn't count because I won't remember it]. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's just that you don't have the same feelings for me that I do for you. I don't want things to get weird, so maybe I'm afraid that if I tell you this, and you don't feel the same way, it'll create this awkwardness between us that we'll never be able to get past.

Or maybe I'm just a freaking chicken.

That's it, I suppose. The ball's in your court.

Sincerely/Love/Yours Truly/With Fondest Remembrance/Psychotically Yours,
[Your Name Here]

PS: Depending on your reaction to this letter, this may or may not be a deranged [man/woman/llama] who recently escaped from the nearest [jail/mental facility/zoo].

* * *

And there you have it. Use it well. I added the PS as a disclaimer in case the drunk/amnesia excuses and those don't work.

Hee, that was fun. I kind of want to send it to random people just to see what happens. But I won't. That would be wrong.

Not to mention just plain weird.