survive this, bitch

Has anyone has been watching the new Survivor? Well, I know, obviously, that people have been watching it. It's Survivor. Survivor: Vanuatu. And really, there has only been one episode, so you haven't missed much.

The previews for the premiere were very misleading. I don't know why that still surprises me. The previews for ER every week are something along the lines of, "This week, on ER . . . someone you know WILL DIE and something you've never seen on TV before WILL HAPPEN. If you miss this, you deserve to have your eyes gouged out, you irresponsible TV-watcher. DON'T. MISS. A MOMENT," and that show is almost always disappointing in some way, like a helicopter FALLING FROM THE SKY and landing on a surgeon. Stupid.

Anyway, the previews for Survivor said not to miss the first ten minutes, which is kind of stupid because if you were going to watch part of a show, wouldn't you watch the beginning anyway?

So, thanks to the helpful preview, I was tuned to CBS right at 8 o'clock so I didn't miss anything. Turns out, I wouldn't have missed much. Basically, some natives of the island rowed out to the boat all the contestants were on and made them get in canoes. Then they rowed back to the island and made them stand in a line while the natives stabbed spears and yelled in their direction. It didn't really look scary, just kind of awkward like, "Oh, man, this guy has really bad breath, where do I look, where do I look?"

Then they made all the women go kneel on these mats off to the side, while the men sat on these benches and were served some sort of drink. The natives brought a live pig out and smashed it in the head (although we didn't see this) and then smeared the blood on the men's faces. This was all part of some "rite of passage" event. The next thing they had to do was retrieve a sacred rock from the top of a pole greased in pig fat. The FBI agent, who I'm going to call Mulder because I can't remember his name, got it on his first try, so I'm not sure how difficult it really was, but maybe that's how the FBI trains it's agents now. Mulder seemed pretty proud of himself.

The women were all kind of pissed off that they didn't get to participate, which I can understand, but I don't think I'd be that upset to miss out on the drink (one of the men said it tasted like mud) and face painting. They ended up winning the challenge anyway, so all was well. I have to say, the whole men-versus-women things is getting really tired. They're doing it on the Apprentice again, and now on Survivor. It just pisses me off that there are always comments like, "Here's to dominating the women" (The Apprentice, thanks, Wes, you a-hole) and "We're 9 big, strapping men, what are those teeny-eeny little women going to do to US?" And then, after the women win, "Wow, I guess we shouldn't count them out." Yeah, I guess not, you misogynistic bastards.

To be fair, not all the men were like that. The guy in the Bob Barker shirt (awesome) comes to mind.

I have to wonder what the natives think of these people. Are they thinking, wow, those Americans must be reeeeeeally bored if this is how they spend their free time. Or, survive out here 39 days? Try 39 years, Probst, and we don't have those fancy buffs. And we know how to make a fire without flint.

I don't know. I think I'd be like "get the hell off my island" but these people are probably nicer than I am.