Thursday, September 16, 2004

victoria is a man

I hate bras. I really do. I loathe them. I know they provide stability and support in an often cruel and chaotic world, but I don't care. If I'd been around (and wearing a bra) in the 70's, I would have been first in line to burn it.

Maybe I hate them because I can't get away with not wearing one, unless I'm wearing a very baggy sweatshirt. But with my luck, I'd probably be hit by a car or something and when they took me to the hospital the doctors would see that I wasn't wearing a bra.

Most likely I hate them because I've been wearing one since 4th grade. I was the first in my class to get one. You'd think this would make me mysterious, but no. I was teased relentlessly when changing for gym class, and boys would run up behind me and snap the back strap as hard as they could. That freaking hurts! Even when it is just a training bra. Training bra. What a horrible name. Training for what? A future of inconvenience and pain? Great.

That's 13 years of bra wearing. And there are many more years to come. Which means I'll be forced to go bra shopping for quite a while.

I hate bra shopping. Even at Victoria's Secret, where all the bras are pretty and frilly and so so silky. I hate bra shopping because it seems like there is no rhyme or reason to bra sizes. Bras, much like jeans, differ by brands. Is this necessary? Couldn't we just make every 36C the same size? Same with 34A and 44DD (yes, they make them that big, and bigger, I saw them in the store yesterday). That way I wouldn't have to try on 30 different bras every time I go bra shopping. I have to do this because I've never really found a bra I completely love, so I'm always looking for that elusive creature that I will love and treasure above all other inferior bras.

I hate trying on bras. It's a pain in the ass (chest?) because the bras all come on these weird hangers that twist the straps through all these nooks and crannies and you will never NEVER be able to hang them like that again so just throw them on the floor with all the other discarded bras and let the sales associate take care of it.

She'll understand. She'll recognize the look of panic and despair on your face as you walk out of the stall, empty-handed (again!) even though you went in with 10 bras of various shapes, sizes, and colors. She's been there.

I haven't even talked about sports bras yet. But I hate those, too. They provide the most support of all. If your bra is over a certain size, don't try running without a sports bra. You know who you are. You've tried running without one, with your arms crossed over your chest, but you look silly so stop. You'll hurt yourself. Just put on a sports bra! They're comfortable, right? Look at all that stretchy material.

They're not comfortable. Well, they can be, but not for long periods of time. They have a job to do, and that job is to squish and smash your boobs into submission. Nothing can be held in captivity for long without serious consequences.

Also? They give you uniboob, and that's not attractive EVER.

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