Tuesday, March 22, 2005

word salad, mmm

Dear Guy at Subway,

I did not say white bread, I said wheat. I did not say roast beef, I said chicken. Most importantly, I said "a little bit of mayo" not "please squirt an inch-thick of mayo onto my sandwich because I want to have a heart attack later." Now I'm gonna have to wipe that shit off with a napkin while the people at the next table stare at me like I'm crazy.


PS: Please restock the chips. You're always out of Sun Chips and I do not approve.

Furthur proof that I am in need of some kind of pill, Example #1:

My dog goes nuts when you say certain words. For instance, the following words will send her into a frenzy: treat, french fry, bacon, food, hungry, laser, outside, walk, flashlight, and Bueller (yeah, we don't know either). There haven't been any new words added to this lexicon in a while so I decided to start calling her treats "falafels."

I think it's catching on.

Example # 2:

I was given the relatively simple task of calling a patient. When they answered, I forgot my name, I forgot the name of the place I work, I forgot the name of the patient, and I forgot why I was calling. I'm pretty sure the patient thinks my boss lets me work there because he feels sorry for me.

Example # 3:

My sister sometimes gets unnaturally mad at me, and instead of walking away I try to see just how mad I can make her. Last night, she threatened to do something to my stuff, so I told her if she did I was going to poop in her bed. Yeah, you heard me. Poop in her bed. Look, if I knew why these things flew out of my mouth I wouldn't need medication, ok?

Most people would either look grossed out and discontinue the conversation (boring people with no sense of humor) or crack up (like I did). My sister ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS which is ridiculous because I don't even like pooping in public restrooms, let alone someone else's bed.

Tonight, I asked her if she found the present I left her in her bed and she got REALLY angry. She shouted, "DID YOU POOP IN MY BED?" which OF COURSE made me start giggling. And she kept shouting it and I kept laughing harder and harder until my dad came up and asked her what the hell she was shouting about.

Imagine a 22-year-old "adult" try to explain to her father, while wearing Pebbles pajama pants and laughing so hard she's crying and is having difficulty breathing, that she threatened to poop in her sister's bed and you will realize why I need to be on some sort of medication.

Even now, as I write this, I'm picturing her yelling, "DID YOU POOP IN MY BED?" and I am LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Pass the pills, please.

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