Monday, February 28, 2005

This entry brought to you by CAPS LOCK

Ok. I have a bone to pick with, I don't know who, but SOMEONE. I cannot BELIEVE how late some people show up for their appointments. This is the first doctor's office I've ever worked in so it's odd being on the other side of the counter. Like most people, when I go to the dentist/doctor I expect to have to wait. I've gotten pissed and sat in the waiting room, huffing and loudly turning the pages of a two-month-old Time magazine, but I swear I will never complain again.

You know why you're usually waiting? Because some stupid asshole showed up late to their appointment. I'm not talking five minutes late. I mean they show up 25 minutes (or more) late. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. It's rude, it's inconsiderate, and it makes me want to poke you in the eye when you waltz in on your cell phone and blurt out (without actually LOOKING at me), "we're HERE."

Today someone showed up AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES late. Not to go all Janice, but OH. MY. GOD. Who does that? She didn't even apologize! And then! When she had to wait 15 minutes for someone to call her back she sat in the waiting room and GLARED at me. Hello! Lady! You were the one who showed up AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES late! And by the way, thanks a lot. Since you came in AN HOUR AND A HALF late instead of just calling to reschedule, you messed up OUR schedule and we had to stay late. And it was snowing. A lot. And then? When you made your follow up appointment and I asked you if you wanted an appointment card as a reminder? You looked at me like I was crazy. Well, guess what. I forget a lot of things. I forget where I put my keys/glasses/cell phone. I forget birthdays. I forget phone numbers. I forget most people's names. I forget what I had for dinner last night. I forget to feed my fish for days at a time. But I have NEVER forgotten to show up for an appointment.

And, my god, if I had? I would have at least had the presence of mind to CALL ahead and make up an excuse for being so unforgivably late. Lie to me, I don't care. Say you're sorry. But don't pretend there's nothing wrong with it.

Also? I hate you.

The day wasn't a complete wash, though, because on the way home from work today I took a different route and I finally saw . . . Giant Jesus. And my life is complete. That landmark makes me SO HAPPY to be from Ohio. It really is the classiest thing I've ever seen.

dark clouds

Why does it always seem to be raining on Mondays? And not just raining, but cold. Dreary. Depressing. I guess it matches my mood. Or maybe I'm in this mood because of the weather. Yeah, that's what I'll blame it on.

If I was in Office Space, that annoying lady would probably tell me I have a case of the Mondays. And then I would bitch slap her.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Dear Cashier Lady at the Wendy's Drive-Thru,

Look, I realize it's one in the afternoon on a Sunday and I am all kinds of unwashed. I also realize I'm wearing Strawberry Shortcake pajama pants, stilleto boots, and no bra. I've seen the dark circles under my eyes, I know I reek of bar, I know I'm squinting at you (the sun is BRIGHT), and I'm REALLY SORRY that I forgot to give you a penny. But you know what? Even though right now I look like I stumbled out of an alley wearing clothes I found in a dumpster, I HAD FUN LAST NIGHT. Don't judge me. I slept on a third of a couch and then on the floor after a flood of Miller Lite for only THREE hours. I'd like to see what you look like after that.


PS: Same to you, Guy At the Second Window Who Gave Me My Food.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

F. B. I.

Do you think real FBI agents wear hats that say FBI on them? In an Applebees? During Happy Hour?

Yeah, I don't think so either.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

yum yum gimme some

It's a little after ten o'clock and I just ate dinner. I had a piece of toast, three Ritz crackers, and some ginger tea.

And it was DELICIOUS.

It's a cruel, cruel world

I've been home sick all day. At first I was worried that I had the flu because it seems like everyone else has had it, but I don't have a fever or anything. Just vicious, nasty stomach cramps. I've been popping Pepto-Bismal pills all day. Did you know they make Pepto-Bismal in caplet form now? They're not coated, though, so they keep getting stuck in my throat and then I think I'm going to choke to death and when they find me I will have vomited/pooed all over myself.

Sorry for that. You know what the worst thing is? I still have an appetite but every time I try to consume something, even something as mild as TEA, the stomach cramps come back. What is that? It's bullshit, that's what it is. The rest of the family had ravioli and garlic bread for dinner and I was simultaneously nauseous AND starving.

So far today I have slept through the following movies/TV shows: Saved by the Bell, Sex and the City, Dawson's Creek, Ed, Speed, A League of Their Own, and Melrose Place. I plan to add Survivor, The Apprentice, and ER to that list very soon.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

poor Hootie

I'm pretty sure I just saw Darius Rucker in a Burger King commercial.

budget is a four letter word

I feel like I haven't posted anything in a while, at least anything relevant. Nothing is really going on in my life. Mostly work. And work. This weekend should be fun, though, because we're celebrating the Birth of Stiffie. Crazy times will be had by all.

So, I've been looking for an apartment. Not seriously looking or anything, because I can't really afford to move out yet, but I got one of those Apartment Guide magazines and have been having fantasies revolving around spacious living rooms, lots of counter space, and new, NEW!, appliances. I have found SOME prospects, I suppose, but this whole being an adult thing is not as fun as I thought it'd be. You mean I have to budget my money? I can't spend my whole paycheck on alcohol and shoes? That's crazy talk!

The other day, I got my oil changed and a new air filter and NO ONE had to tell me to do it. I noticed that I was (way) past due for an oil change so I WENT TO JIFFY LUBE BY MYSELF and got it done.

I'm getting a haircut on Friday and THANK GOD. Lately, I've just held my head upside down while I blowdry my hair and hoped for the best. It does NOT look good. I keep saying I'm going to let me* hair get longer, but I'll probably go in on Friday and tell them to cut off like 12 inches. You know, if there were 12 inches to cut off. There's not. Maybe 6, at the most.

Why am I still typing? This is the most pointless entry I've ever written. I apologize. Maybe sometime soon I'll have something interesting to write about. One day, you'll click over to this website and the subject line will be "PREGNANCY SCARE 2005" or "SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT APARTMENT COMPLETE" or maybe even "HOW I ENDED UP IN A MEXICAN JAIL WITH AMNESIA," but really if that happens I probably won't even remember I have this blog so don't really expect that last one.

*I was going to fix this typo ("me" should be "my") but I kind of like it how it is. It makes me sound like a pirate.

Monday, February 21, 2005

happy hour

Today my boss told me that when I answer the phone, I should act like I've had 10 beers.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wanted to ask me if he's been following me around, or something.

Also? Does he really want me to answer the phone like this:

"Thank you for calling . . . Dr . . . um, Dr. Whateverhisnameis the Orthodontologist Office giggle giggle [unintelligible] giggle name's Jennie help you fuck shit damn."

Sunday, February 20, 2005

I'm on Survivor

So, last night I had a dream that I was on Survivor, but it was this jacked-up version of Survivor that I still don't really understand. It was kind of like a job. I'd drive to the island (?) in the morning, meet the other contestants, and Jeff Probst would send us all off for the day. We also had e-mail and digital cameras on the island. The digital camera came in handy when someone got stabbed and Sawyer from Lost and I had to take pictures of the crime scene. Yeah, I don't know. I do remember that I kept trying to make some joke about Survivor turning into Lost that, in the dream, I thought was hilarious but now makes absolutely no sense. Go figure.

The best part was, I had Jeff Probst's secret e-mail address because we were apparently BFF, and he'd give me all these tips on how I could win the game. He also told me that contestants were picked based on their hair color which makes SO MUCH sense if you don't really think about it too hard.

And then I realized I need to stop watching so much TV.

Friday, February 18, 2005

What are these wedding bells you speak of?

The other day at work someone asked me if I was married. Anyone looking at my face would have probably thought she'd asked me something more like, "Did you eat babies for lunch today?"

When I recovered, I laughed and just said no, but really I was thinking, "I'm not OLD enough to get married," apparently forgetting that when my mom was my age, she was already married and had already had me. Or was at least pregnant with me. I can't remember and seriously? I'm not doing the math right now.

Honestly, marriage never even crosses my mind. I'm not dating, I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't particularly WANT to get married anytime soon. It's not something I've really planned for. I don't know what my dream wedding is. I don't know who I'd want to be my bridesmaids. I don't know what song I want played for the first dance. The more I think about all the weddings I've been to, the more I want to just elope and not worry about all the other shit. Or maybe have a really simple, cheap ceremony and throw one huge party afterward. I don't want to be stuck in a heavy, binding dress all day, I don't care how pretty it is.

I must be missing the wedding gene. You know, that part of a woman's biological make-up that makes them yearn to try on wedding gowns or know exactly what kind of flowers they want in their bouquet. It's not that I never want to get married. I've always assumed I'd eventually get married, but I'm not going to set deadlines for myself and be all, "if I'm not married by the time I'm 30 it means I'm not good enough and NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME BECAUSE I AM A DEFECTIVE SPINSTER." That is such bullshit. Spinster is an evil, ugly word, and I'm getting rid of it. It no longer exists in my world. This isn't Pride and Prejudice, people. It's not even Bridget Jones. I'll get married when I'm good and ready, thank you, even if I am 70 when it happens.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

two words

Pay. Day.

I got my first paycheck today, and when I deposited it I have never felt so blissed-out euphoric in my life.

Then I went to the gas station. As I was pumping a Hummer pulled up and the driver got out, and as he walked inside I gave him a look that I HOPED said, "I know your secret, little man," but what he probably interpreted as, "What a big, strong, hunk of man you are, hold on, let me give you my underwear."

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

we get it

Dear Guy with the Hummer and the license plate that says Mr. Hummr,

We get it. You have a tiny penis.


PS: I hate you.

And to completely change the subject, how awesome is it that they played I Never on Lost tonight?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

exposing myself

Today was a great day and I'm giving all the credit to the weather. It was sunny and warm with a slight breeze. Beautiful! It just put me in a good mood because the weather has been so craptastic lately.

Also, the phones weren't broken. And it wasn't my fault. Whew.

And my boss said they need to clone me and THEN gave me a high five, which makes me feel good because I feel like I do/say something stupid whenever he's around. I'm just glad I've passed the point where I feel frozen in fear whenever a patient asks me a question or the phone rings. I'm also feeling much more comfortable around the other people that work there, to the point where I can joke around with them. And thank god, because without sarcastic comments or stupid jokes, I probably wouldn't talk at all.

After the doctor made the comment about needing to clone me he said, "I guess you need to talk to George W. Bush about that," and before I could stop my big, liberal mouth I said, "Do I have to?"

It's OK, though, because they both laughed. It's not like I could have hidden my liberal tendencies for long anyway, because I have a W sticker with a big no sign through it on one of my car windows, and my John Kerry sign is still sitting on the ledge by the back windshield. Besides, one of the other workers there has a Bush/Cheney sticker, so I have to balance out the parking lot.

nutritious AND delicious

You know what I'm having for breakfast right now? A Starbucks vanilla Frappuccino. And wheat thins.

This office needs better snacks.

Also, I think there's something wrong with the phones and I think it might be my fault.

Monday, February 14, 2005

better late than never

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

So far, the highlight of my day was that my Entertainment Weekly came in the mail. The new highlight will be when I get into bed because, DAMN I am tired.

Saturday, February 12, 2005


This kid is my new best friend. You guys have probably already seen it since I found out about it on Best Week Ever last night. I've been pretty much watching it all morning and I'd be lying if I said I haven't been dancing along, too.

UPDATE: Between that awesome, dancing kid and rediscovering THIS, I haven't gotten anything done ALL DAY.

Friday, February 11, 2005

um, help?

Ok, somehow I have 50 (!!) Gmail invites to give away. 50! I don't even think I KNOW that many people.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

They should make a pill for this

Me to oncoming traffic when the arrow turned green and I got to turn left in front of all of them: So long, bitches!

Me to the cars I passed as I sped around them on the way to work: So long, bitches!

Me to the car I followed home ALL THE WAY DOWN YANKEE AND MAD RIVER: Karma is such a bitch and the speed limit is THIRTY FUCKING FIVE NOT FIFTEEN, so GET OUT OF MY WAY NOOOOOOOOOW!

Me to the cars waiting at a red light as I raced to turn right through a yellow light so I could get in front of them: So long, bitches!


I'm home on my lunch break and I've been sitting here wondering what they would do if I just didn't show up this afternoon.

You know, besides fire me.

I'm a little reluctant to go back in because we have a biter coming in this afternoon. Luckily, I'm still too stupid to work on actual patients so I should come home with all my fingers.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Can you get fired for being weird?

I don't have to be at work until 2 IN THE AFTERNOON today (feel free to send hate mail) but since I can no longer sleep past ten, I've been up for a while. The problem is, I keep forgetting I have to go to work later. I don't know why. Maybe it's because this week is just dragging and it already feels like it should be Friday, which is my DAY OFF (again, hate mail is welcome). I'm about to set every alarm clock in this place for different times, just so I have some kind of reminder that I do, in fact, have to leave the house today. I even wrote a little note to myself that is sitting right in front of the computer. It says "LEAVE FOR WORK AT 1:30 EXCLAMATION POINT TIMES THREE." How sad would it be if I had to call my boss at 4 and tell him I'm running late because I FORGOT I had to come in.

It's not that I'm dreading going in or anything. I'm not at all. I really like it there so far. Everyone I work with is really nice and down to earth, and they laugh at my jokes. EVEN the really sarcastic ones that make me sound kind of bitchy, which is good because I make those a lot. I've managed to not make any inappropriate comments, except for that time last Thursday that I didn't even mean to be inappropriate but people thought I did and I wanted to tell them that, really, I'm not that clever. Anyway, no one was offended so it was fine.

And, so far, I've managed to quell any impulses to make jokes to the patients that may scare them, which is good because most of them are young children. I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to say something like, "These are the instruments we're going to use but THESE are the ones we'll be torturing you with if you don't do what we say," like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I don't know why I think thoughts like this, but at least I've managed not to say any of them out loud.

Yet. If I do, you all will be the first to know.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

yes, she was drunk/high/both, are you happy now?

Ok, so I was really going to let this drop, but SO MANY people have found this blog by searching for something about Paula Abdul being drunk on The Daily Show.

Here's the rundown:

5 people searching for "paula abdul drunk"

3 people searching for "paula abdul daily show drunk"

1 searching for "daily show paula abdul drunk 2005"

2 for "paula abdul daily show slurred"

1 for "paula abdul drunk on daily show"

1 for "abdul drunk"

1 for "paula abdul drunk 2005"

1 for "was paula abdul drunk"

1, inexplicably, for "paula abdul's wrinkle cream"

and, my favorite, 1 searching for "what's wrong with paula abdul?"

Monday, February 07, 2005

no drowning zone

After reading this, I kind of want to go take a nice, hot, relaxing bath, but I'm afraid I'd fall asleep and drown and I DO NOT want to die naked.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I wish Pacey would kick Dawson's ass

Yesterday was my first official "Day Off" from work. I'm loving the whole No Work On Fridays thing. It feels so much better to sit around in my pajamas watching TV when I can say it's my Day Off, rather than feeling guilty for doing the same thing when I was unemployed. After being so busy the first four days of the week, I made sure to be anything BUT busy yesterday. Here's a rundown of what I did.

Got up at 10 because I can no longer sleep til noon. How sad.

Watched reruns of Dawson's Creek. Pacey wore a suit. I don't know what else happened.

Drank half a pot of coffee. This was probably too much.

Turned on a mix CD and sang and danced like a moron to Jay-Z, Eminem, Tina Turner, and Dirrrrty(!) Christina. Wondered again if my life was really a reality TV show that I didn't know about, like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, thought about how stupid I look when I dance, shrugged, and kept going.

Read blogs. All of them. Every single one on the Internet(s).

Checked my e-mail about five hundred times.

Listened to a voicemail Katie Jo left that consisted of entirely Napoleon Dynamite quotes. Sweet! I think she caught a delicious bass.

Ate lunch.

Watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If Buffy had ever turned into a vampire, would she have had to slay herself?

Played with the dog.

Caught up on Passions. E-mailed Beau and Stiffie about Teresa's (Telesa's!) tendency to steal embryos.

Showered. At 3:30.

Put on my Strawberry Shortcake pajama pants.

Watched Oprah because Tina Turner (!!!) was on.

Started reading Catcher in the Rye because I haven't read it since high school.

Watched Melrose Place.

Ate dinner at 8 and watched reruns of Friends.

Went to Nancy's in my pajamas because Whitney (!!!) is visiting from Chicago.

Came home, watched some Family Guy DVDs, and went to bed.

FUN TIMES. I'm kind of upset that I'm going to miss Dawson's Creek most days of the week and HOW SAD IS THAT? I don't even particularly LIKE that show because Joey is annoying as hell and I want to punch Dawson in his stupid, huge forehead EVERY SINGLE SECOND HE'S ON THE SCREEN.

Ok, maybe it's a good thing that I can't watch it very often.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Dear Senator Kerry,

Hey, John. I hope you're well. I've seen you on TV a couple of times the last few weeks. I noticed that you didn't throw up or scream obscenities during the inauguration or the State of the Union, like so many of us watching at home did. Bravo. I don't think anyone would have blamed you if you had sat there with headphones on, singing along to Bruce Springsteen and air drumming.

I noticed that you've been sending me more e-mails lately. I think it's really nice that you're trying to help the kids and all, but here's the thing. I think we should stop seeing each other. I know, I know, now is the time you need my help, now more than ever, blah blah Republicans want to take away our babies and sell them to large corporations blah. I'd love to help you, I really would, but I'm afraid it would be too awkward. See, I put my heart and soul into the election. I was SURE you were going to win, especially after the debate(s) where Bush acted like a retarded monkey. I stayed up ALL NIGHT on election night, hoping and praying for states to turn blue. And with each state that turned red, I think I died a little inside. When my own state turned red, I threw a little tantrum, pounded my fists into a pillow, pouted for a couple of days, and cursed you AND Bush. I know it's not all your fault. But really, why did you act so ashamed of your extensive vocabulary? It's OK that you sound smart! You are smart! Didn't you realize how many of us were YEARNING to hear someone who didn't stumble all over their words? Sure, you were a little . . . verbose at times, but I'll take verbosity over someone who vomits word salad all over the place.

So, there you have it. I don't blame you. Anymore. But things will never be the way they were, you know, last October.

I'll always cherish the good times we had together. And there were good times! The canvassing, the anti-Bush rants, the Springfield rally, your little buddy John Edwards . . . all of these memories hold a special place in my heart. Every time I hear "Johnny B. Goode" I'll think of you and wipe away a little tear.

I hope we can still be friends. I'm not saying I want to hang out, but we can still say hi. A little wave might be appropriate. Maybe a high five, on special occasions.

Good luck in the future. Please don't run for President again, ok?

Yours truly,

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

lalala, I can't hear you

I just turned on the State of the Union in time to hear President Douche say he supports an amendment to "protect the sanctity of marriage."

And then I barfed.

today's grievances

Ok, it's bad enough that Lost and Alias aren't on, but am I supposed to sit and watch President Dubya stumble and slur his way through the English language for TWO WHOLE HOURS?

I'm sorry, but I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail and then LICK off the eye goo*.

Also, I was wearing the most uncomfortable bra all day today. I was seriously considering taking it off in the car on the way home, but I didn't. I think I might just burn it. If I don't, I might accidentally wear it again and have to spend the entire day trying not to scream and cry as the underwire digs deeper and deeper into my skin.

*I apologize for that disgusting, graphic image, but disgusting, graphic images are all the come to mind when I think of the leader of the free world and excuse me I just threw up in my mouth a little.

straight up now tell me

Did anyone else think Paula Abdul was a little drunk on The Daily Show last night? I thought maybe it was just me, but someone found my blog by searching for "daily show paula abdul drunk 2005" BEFORE I even posted this.

I know they tape the show earlier in the day, so she was either drunk reeeeeeeally early or she's on something. And judging by most of her clothing choices, I'm going with the drugs.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

It's called LUCK and I love it

I haven't posted in a few days, and I meant to post something yesterday but I was really tired because I WORKED ALL DAY and since I didn't GET OFF WORK tonight until 7 tonight and I had to eat dinner AFTER WORK and then unwind FROM WORK by watching Scrubs (which was HILARIOUS) I haven't had a chance until now.

So, yes, I got a job. I'm working at an orthodontist office and they're training me to become an orthodontic technician. I know what you're thinking. Um, does that have anything to do with being an English major? Yeah, that would be a NO, other than the fact that I can spell most things correctly and they know I pay close attention to details because HELLO have you ever tried to write a six page paper based on ONE sonnet? I had to do that sophomore year, and from what I remember (I blocked out most of it) I spent the majority of my time painstakingly looking up words in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Anyway, I've learned a lot so far and it's actually been a lot of fun. Plus, I get to wear tennis shoes to work. Tennis shoes! Yay! And I have three Fridays a month off! Whoohoo!

The only thing I've had to get over is the whole, "What do you mean I have to get out of bed and shower and do something tomorrow? I did all that today! And yesterday!" and that thought only ran through my head a couple of times today, and even then the feeling connected was more one of awe rather than dismay or horror.

I can't believe I'm going to publish this. It's like one ginormous run-on. And not to completely change the subject, but why does the song "Moon River" make me want to burst into tears?