what happens in Chicago stays in Chicago

Only not really, because I have a big, giant mouth. Scenes from this weekend:

Friday night, post-bar, pre-bed

Me: Heidi passed out.
Mary: I know.
Me: I'm not tired.
Mary: Me either.
Me: What time is it?
Mary: Only 4.
Me: What should we do?
Mary: Want to go to the beach?
Me: Ok!

Friday night, Lake Michigan

Mary: What's that noise?
Me: It sounds like a bullfrog.
Mary: Weird.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Mary: Um. Wait a second.
Me: It's OK! Bullfrogs can't hurt you!
Mary: I don't think that's a bullfrog.
Me: Oh my god.
Mary: Um. Yeah.
Me: Were those people having sex?
Mary: They totally were.
Me: Wow.
Mary: I know.

Saturday afternoon, Michigan Avenue

Me: Mary.
Mary: Yes?
Me: I'm kind of disappointed that we haven't seen Vince Vaughn yet.
Mary: Sorry, guys.
Heidi: I'm actually more excited to see Jen.
Me: You call her Jen?
Heidi: Yeah, we're pretty close.

Saturday afternoon, in line at Victoria's Secret

Me: What is this stuff?
Mary: I think it's massage oil.
Me (loudly): Oh! Too sexy! Too sexy!
Lady in front of us: Heehee.
Mary: You made a stranger giggle.
Me: Yeah, sometimes I forget that other people can hear me when I talk.

Saturday evening, dinner at Redmond's

Mary: So what do you guys want to do tonight?
Heidi: Ooh! Let's go on a bar crawl!
Me: Yes. Excellent idea.
Mary: How many bars should we go to?
Heidi: Seven.
Me: Wow, that is weirdly specific. I like it.
Mary: Me too.

Saturday night, Bar Three

Girl In Line For Bathroom Behind Me: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure.
GILFBBM: If you'd been sleeping with a guy for a few months . . .
Me: Okaaaaay
GILFBBM: And kind of dating?
Me: Yes?
GILFBBM: Would you be upset if he didn't know your last name?
Me: Pretty much.
GILFBBM: THANK YOU!
Me: No problem.

Saturday night, I have no idea

Me: What number are we on?
Mary: Five?
Heidi: Seven! Seven! Seven!
Me: How many Red Bull and Vodkas have you had, Heidi?
Heidi: Seven! Seven! Seven!
Mary: How many dwarfs are there?
Heidi: Seven! Seven! Seven!
Me: How many times are you gonna throw up later?
Heidi: Seven! Seven! Seven!

Sunday morning, Mary's apartment

Mary: Good morning.
Me: Morning.
Heidi: Where did you sleep last night?
Me: I woke up on the sofa in the living room.
Mary: The last I saw, you were sleeping on my floor.
Heidi: Did you sleep in your jeans?
Me: Yes.
Mary: Did you sleep in your jacket, too?
Me: I guess so since I'm still wearing it.

Sunday, pre-shower

Me: I'm going to wear some of my new underwear.
Mary: Which ones?
Me: These blue ones.
Heidi: Ooh, I like the circles.
Me: Yeah, it reminds me of the Olympics.
Heidi: Special Olympics, maybe.
Me: Thank you.
Mary: What's your event?
Me: Duh. Hurdles.

Sunday, every time we attempted to walk

All of us: Ow. My legs. They hurt. Ow.